How Things Are Done In The South!

Yep, looks like one of my family members got buck ass wild with the camera again….

Deer VS Truck

Got this from my friend in Malvern this morning.   The pictures pretty much tell the story, but here’s a brief explanation…

They were traveling in southern Arkansas, between Mena and DeQueen. Oncoming car clipped a deer and sent it straight up into the air. The deer came down head-first into Clayton’s brand new truck. The deer’s head went thru the front windshield, cutting the head (plus some) off, and landed in Jill’s lap. The body of the deer flipped up, smashed in the top of the truck, and landed in the bed. Clayton couldn’t see Jill from his side, because the top of the truck was smashed in so horribly. He got out of the truck, went around, and opened the door on her side…only to start flipping out, because she was literally drenched in blood. However, neither one of them was hurt. Her parents were following in a separate vehicle and didn’t see it happen…but drove up on it right afterward. I can’t imagine what they were thinking! I know this isn’t a unique experience, but I’ve never personally known anyone that it’s happened to or seen pictures. Crazy!

How To Pick A Wife

The first man married a woman from Mississippi and told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Oklahoma . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Arkansas . He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the
dishwasher.

Arkansas in July

YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN ARKANSAS IN JULY WHEN. . . .

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms
out of the ground.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

The best parking place is determined by shade
instead of distance.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You can make sun tea instantly.

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty
good branding iron.

The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a
little chilly.

You discover that in July it only takes 2
fingers to steer your car.

You discover that you can get sunburned through
your car window.

You actually burn your hand opening the car
door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step
outside at 7:30 a.m.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, ‘What if I
get  knocked out and end up lying on the
pavement and cook to death?’

The potatoes cook underground, so all you have
to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice
to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

Ah, what a place to call home.

God Bless (and help) Our State of Arkansas!!

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED FROM LIVING IN ARKANSAS

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in Arkansas.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Arkansas plus a couple no one’s seen before.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.

People actually grow and eat okra.

“Fixinto” is one word.

There is no such thing as “lunch.” There is only dinner and then there is supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you’re two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!

Backards and forwards means “I know everything about you.”

DJeet? Is actually a phrase meaning “Did you eat?”

You don’t have to wear a watch because it doesn¢t matter what time it is.

You work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.

You don’t PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

You measure distance in minutes.

You’ve ever had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.

“Fix” is a verb. Example: “I’m fixing to go to the store.”

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

You know what a “DAWG” is.

You carry jumper cables in your car . . . For your OWN car.

There are only four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

The first day of deer season is a national holiday.

100 degrees Fahrenheit “a little warm.”

We have four seasons: Almost Summer, summer, still summer and Christmas.

Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as “goin’ Wal-martin” or off to “Wally World.”

A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.

A carbonated soft drink isn’t a soda, cola or pop . . . it’s a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: “What kinda coke you want?”

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

We don’t need no stinking driver’s Ed . . . If our mama says we can drive, we can drive.

EVERYONE can’t be an Arkansan; you gotta be brave to live here!

Arkansas Twisters

Have I mentioned that I really HATE tornadoes? Here are some pics of the last one to almost hit my house. Gotta love the Arkansas Flatlands…

What’s My Age Again?

Ahh…. more proof that I have not yet grown up. It’s a good thing too, or this past week might have killed me.

When I was young, my dad took me to all kinds of amazing places, and I decided to share a few of my favorite spots with them along the way. Oh boy….. I ain’t as young as I used to be….

Yeah, it was one heck of a trip. We stopped on the way there, and hiked for 5 hours and covered 10 miles up on Petit Jean Mountain. We explored the Rock Cave House, and showed the kids cave paintings and pictures pecked into the stone that dated back to 8000 BC. We didn’t INTEND to hike 10 miles. We unknowingly got onto a trail made for boy scouts. My asthmatic ass made it through, but my thighs may never be the same.

On Sunday, we took mom out to eat, then took her to the botanical gardens in OKC so we could work off what we ate. Then I went to Grandpas and got out the John Deere so I could mow (more like bush-hog) his yard. I got done about 10pm, so I was mowing my headlight, and when I finished we got to swappin “snake stories” in the house. ( I am DEATHLY afraid of snakes). This was prompted by the escapade I had just endured while takin’ care of the mowing biz. I had to mow up a steep incline, where all I could do was pull the tractor forward and back to mow. During a back-up, I thought I saw a snake, and I came up off the seat to see “what the hell!?…” Well, on this tractor, when you get off the seat, it shuts off, as a safety feature. Oh helllllllll nooooooo… When it started boggin’, I threw my ass back down on that seat something HARD, and threw the tractor into high and romped the gas, causing it to pop a wheelie on the way up the hill, which meant having to throw myself OVER the front of the tractor while keeping enough weight on the seat to keep it from dying again.

The kids thought I was playing “tractor rodeo” and simply showing out. While I think it’s great that the kids have that much faith in my tractor driving abilities, it was sooooooo not the case at that moment. It was fear and snake loathing at its finest that prompted my rodeo-oics.

Anyhow, no sooner did we walk out of grandpa’s, did we find a baby rattler right behind the truck. Luckily, we had apparently driven over it and squished in in half. Still, I went from a 39 yr old to a 3 yr old in about .000001 seconds. Sometimes, I am SUCH a girlie girl. God, I hate that.

On the way home we hiked a few more miles up at Devil’s Den, where we did some cave explorations, danced under the Twin Falls, played in Cold Creek, and cooled off in The Devils IceBox. My friend had a panic attack in down in the bowels of the cave over the bats, and while it took us 40 minutes to get down where we were, it took about 8 minutes to get out, with her in the lead. Later, we ran into fresh bear tracks, and pretty much jogged the rest of the way out of the woods.

Oh yeah…. and the snake on the hill? It was nothing but a small green stick. Don’t tell the kids though, I never did….

ABOUT SOUTHERN WOMEN…

SOUTHERN WOMEN

Southern women appreciate their natural assets:
Clean skin.
A winning smile.
That unforgettable Southern drawl.

Southern women know their manners:
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Why , no, Billy!”

Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions :
“Y’all come back!”
“Well, bless your heart.”
“Drop by when you can.”
“How’s your Momma?”

Southern women know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity

Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
The beach
The beach

Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August:
Colorful hi-heel sandals
Strapless sun dresses
Iced sweet tea with mint

Southern women know everybody’s first name:
Honey
Darlin’
Shugah

Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind
The Notebook

Southern women know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football

Southern women know their country breakfasts:
Red-eye gravy
Grits
Eggs
Country ham
Mouth-watering home made biscuits with momma’s homemade jelly

Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Chawl’stn,
S’vanah
Foat Wuth
N’awlins
Addlanna

Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform.
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler, of course!

Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the four deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food
Wearing too much makeup in the summer

Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah!

Now…… Shugah, spread this to some girls who were raised in the
South or wish they had been!

If you’re a Northern transplant:
Bless your little heart–fake it. We know you got here as fast
as you could!!!

INTERESTING (DUMB, STUPID, & CRAZY) ARKANSAS LAWS

THE LAW – NO MATTER WHAT YOU WANT TO DO THERE WILL HAVE BEEN A TIME AND PLACE WHEN IT WAS LEGAL AND ANOTHER TIME AND PLACE WHERE IT WAS ILLEGAL. THE FOLLOWING ARE SOME OF THE STRANGE LAWS IN ARKANSAS. BE CAREFUL. SOME ARE STILL IN FORCE!

If anyone knows of any other “interesting” state/local laws, please add to the list.

DID YOU KNOW:

IT’S ILLEGAL TO MISPRONOUNCE THE NAME OF THE STATE OF ARKANSAS IN THIS STATE. THAT’S RIGHT FOLKS, STATE LAW STATES UT MUST BE PRONOUNCED AR-KIN-SAW (ARKANSAS STATE CODE: 1-4-105).

ANYONE CAUGHT CAUSING “UNSEEMLY LAUGHTER” BY WEARING A FALSE MOUSTACHE IN CHURCH WILL BE ARRESTED.

A VOTER IS ONLY ALLOWED FIVE MINUTES TO MARK HIS BALLOT.

ALLIGATORS MAY NOT BE KEPT IN BATHTUBS.

ORAL SEX IS CONSIDERED TO BE SODOMY.

AT ARKANSAS STATE UNIVERSITY TWO PEOPLE CANNOT HOLD HANDS WHILE STANDING IN A DOORWAY UNLESS THEY BELONG TO A UNION.

IN ARKANSAS IT IS ILLEGAL TO BUY OR SELL BLUE LIGHT BULBS.

SCHOOLTEACHERS WHO BOB THEIR HAIR MAY FORFEIT THEIR PAY RAISES.

AN ARKANSAS LEGISLATOR NOT LONG AGO PROPOSED THAT THE STATE PROVIDE GROWTH HORMONES TO DWARFS.

IF AN ELEPHANT IS LEFT TIED TO A PARKING METER, THE PARKING FEE HAS TO BE PAID JUST AS IT WOULD FOR A VEHICLE. (wtf?)

IN ARKANSAS, THERE IS A 5LB. PER DAY LIMIT ON THE AMOUNT OF ROADKILL YOU MAY TAKE HOME. (I AM ASSUMING, OF COURSE, THAT IT IS 5LBS. PER PERSON PER DAY, BUT I DON’T PLAN ON INVESTIGATING)

UNTIL 1994 IT WAS LEGAL IN ARKANSAS TO GRAB A WOMANS BREAST ON A PUBLIC STREET EVEN IF YOU DID NOT KNOW HER.

IT IS CONSIDERED AN OFFENSE TO SHOWER NAKED.

A MAN CAN ALSO GET 10 YEARS IN ARKANSAS FOR PLACING “HIS SPOUSE IN A BROTHEL.”

IN UPPER OSBORNE, ARKANSAS, IT’S A MISDEMEANOR TO DETONATE A NUCLEAR DEVICE WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN CONSENT OF MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL.

IN MOBILE, PIGEONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM EATING THE PEBBLES ON COMPOSITE ROOFS.

IN FAYETTEVILLE, IT IS ILLEGAL TO KILL “ANY LIVING CREATURE.” INCLUDING INSECTS. HOWEVER KILLING INANIMATE OBJECTS IS PERFECTLY OKAY. (AR CODE 5-62-101)

IN LITTLE ROCK:

A MAN CAN BEAT HIS WIFE IN LITTLE ROCK ON THE COURTHOUSE LAWN PROVIDED HE DOES IT WITH A STICK NO BIGGER THAN 3 INCHES ACROSS AND NOT MORE THAN ONCE A MONTH. (YEAH, IF THEY HAVE A DEATH WISH)

THE LITTLE ROCK PARLIAMENT PASSED A LAW FORBIDDING THE ARKANSAS RIVER TO RISE HIGHER THAN THE LEVEL OF THE MAIN STREET BRIDGE. (I GUESS WE’RE SUPPOSED TO ARREST THE RIVER FOR DISOBEYING?)

IF YOUR DOG BARKS AFTER 6 PM YOU CAN BE FINED, AND THE DOG CAN BE IMPOUNDED.

FLIRTATION BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN ON THE STREETS OF LITTLE ROCK MAY RESULT IN A 30-DAY JAIL TERM

IT IS UNLAWFUL TO WALK ONE’S COW DOWN MAIN STREET AFTER 1:00 PM ON SUNDAY

NO PERSON SHALL SOUND THE HORN ON A VEHICLE AT ANY PLACE WHERE COLD DRINKS OR SANDWICHES ARE SERVED AFTER 9:00 P.M. (-LITTLE ROCK CITY CODE SEC. 18-54)

The Mechanic and Me

Tales From the Countryside (CH 4)

I was a daddy’s girl, and I grew up southern style. By that, I don’t mean I was a “tom boy”, nor was I a debutante. I blended the two into what I believe to be a perfect balance of eclectic, eccentric, outdoorsy, intelligent, multi-talented femininity.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re saying to yourself, “WTF is she talking about???????” (And here is where i tell you….)

My father was bridge foreman for the railroad (Mo-Pac) for 32 years. He would be gone for two weeks at a time, and only home every other weekend. My father was right up there with God as far I as I was concerned, and when he was home, he belonged to ME. He taught me everything he knew. Probably not because he always wanted to, but more likely it was because he couldn’t get rid of me for an instant. I think he figured as long as he taught me something new, and sent me to practice whatever it was he imparted to me, he could breathe for a minute. It never took long however, because I never wanted anything more than to see my father smile, and I learned quickly, from pouring concrete to construction. One of my earliest recollections is of the only fight I ever knew my parents to have. I remember like it was yesterday, sitting in the kitchen on a stool when i was 8 years old, and my father lacing up hiking boots on my feet. He was on one bended knee, and he had a coil of rope on the floor next to him. My mom walks in, stops dead in her tracks and says “Clovis, just what the hell do you think you are DOING!!?!?!?” My father turned to my mother with the most confused look on his face and says “what?” My mother says… “Clovis, you are NOT taking that child up on the ROOF with you!!!”, and my dad says “But Val, I have a rope! I’m gonna tie her to me while I replace the shingles, so she won’t fall off, and she can hand me the nails!”

Yeah. I thought she was gonna choke him to death with that rope. When she picked it up, I swear…. it kinda looked like a hangman’s noose there for a second. Really. It did….

Anyhow… the point of that retrospective is this. Thanks to my daddy, I also know a wee bit about cars. Not a whole lot, mind you, but enough to get by. I can rebuild a Holly 4-barrel quadrajet, drop in a 350 or a 327 4 bolt main,
replace my own brakes, and change a starter, flywheel, or alternator. So, when I have a damn car with OBD, I know how the hell to read it. OK?

For those of you who DON”T have a CLUE what an OBD stands for “On Board Diagnostic”.
OBD serves as an early warning system that alerts you to the potential need for vehicle repair through the “Check Engine” light on the dashboard of your vehicle. It flashes codes that tell you what ’s wrong with your ride. You can read them, look them up, and diagnose your own damned car, without having to rely solely on what some “mechanic” tells you.

Now then… Chapter 4 really begins with me, and my OBD the night I got back from night of terror in Tulsa. Yep, I got home, and checked it. The only code it’s flashing is a 41. i go inside, look it up on the internet, and there it is. It’s the EGR valve, and guess what that means? I was right. It’s electronic, and will make my car run like it’s constipated when it’s f****d up. I crawl under the car at midnight with a flashlight in hand and start tracing. yep. It’s F*****D!

Soooooo….. the next AM I call my grandpa and the mechanic, and tell them what the problem is. But noooooooo…… “that’s not it” they say. GRRRRRRRRR!!!!! They will NOT listen to me. I “don’t really need it” they say.

Soooooooo…. I have spent the last 4 days waiting in this God-forsaken 7th circle of hell. (Oklahoma is no longer OK to ME!!!!!) In the interim, the “mechanic” has checked the pressure on my fuel pump, replaced the fuel filter, totally removed the catalytic converter, and a few other various waste of time things.
He tells me yesterday, “must be that EGR valve”.

YA THINK?!?!?!?!?!?!?
HOLY SHIT!

By now, my grandpa has sunk so much into that car, it’s all pretty much new under the non-existent perverbial hood. He just doesn’t wanna spend the $250 it’s gonna take to get it fixed. I’m thinking at this point that Old Man Murphy won.

But Wait~~~~~~

The trumpet sounded last night (by way of the telephone) and I was informed I would be getting the money western union from people at home who love me and want my ass BACK there. I bolt to the shop, tell the mechanic I am picking up the part in the AM, have the car ready to install it. He tells me he’ll have it done by the afternoon, and I can go home on Sunday.

Sooooooo… this AM I get up early, go to the shop, and tell him I’m headed to OKC for the part, and he says “cool”. I get back, and guess what??????? The mother fucker (excuse da language, but really… WTF?? has closed the shop up tight, left early, with my car locked up INSIDE, and no one has heard from him since. Did I mention, he lives BEHIND the shop, and sure as hell wasn’t there either?

The S.O.B. RAN and HID!!!!!!!

That’s ok. I got something for the mechanic. You just hide and watch…

Don’t fuck with a southern woman who has been held hostage in hell for two weeks, and wants nothing in the world but to get home to her son.

Oh yeah….the “mechanic” and me… uh-huh…

Guess no one ever told him that hell hath no fury like a single southern mother scorned.

Murphy may be tough, Karma may be a bitch, and my Dogma may be dead, but they ain’t got SHIT on me!!!!

To be continued…

And where the hell is a disgruntled Smiley carrying a baseball bat????