Geography of the Sexes

Geography Of A Woman

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious  and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn’t make the same mistakes twice; takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet.  Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages…. she has an adventurous spirit and still has a thirst for knowledge, especially spiritual knowledge.

GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.

THE END

Mexican Words of the Day

1. *Cheese*   The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies:   Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

2. *Mushroom*  When all my family get in the car, there’s not mushroom

3. *Shoulder*   My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn’t  know how to read so I shoulder.

4. * Texas *   My fren always Texas me when I’m not home wondering where I’m at!

5. *Herpes*   Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. *July*     Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum*   I had 2 cars but my amigo rectum!

8. *Chicken*   I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*     We only have one enchilada left, but don’t worry wheelchair

10. *Chicken wing*    My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing

11. *Harassment*   My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her  “honey, harassment nothing to me.”

12. *Bishop*     My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

13. *Body wash*    I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

14. *Budweiser*   That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

Military Mischief

Army Humor

THANK GOD THEY CAN STILL MAINTAIN THEIR SENSE OF HUMOR OVER THERE!

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Army Humor

THANK GOD THEY CAN STILL MAINTAIN THEIR SENSE OF HUMOR OVER THERE!

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THINGS I HAVE LEARNED FROM LIVING IN ARKANSAS

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in Arkansas.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Arkansas plus a couple no one’s seen before.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.

People actually grow and eat okra.

“Fixinto” is one word.

There is no such thing as “lunch.” There is only dinner and then there is supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you’re two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!

Backards and forwards means “I know everything about you.”

DJeet? Is actually a phrase meaning “Did you eat?”

You don’t have to wear a watch because it doesn¢t matter what time it is.

You work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.

You don’t PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

You measure distance in minutes.

You’ve ever had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.

“Fix” is a verb. Example: “I’m fixing to go to the store.”

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

You know what a “DAWG” is.

You carry jumper cables in your car . . . For your OWN car.

There are only four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

The first day of deer season is a national holiday.

100 degrees Fahrenheit “a little warm.”

We have four seasons: Almost Summer, summer, still summer and Christmas.

Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as “goin’ Wal-martin” or off to “Wally World.”

A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.

A carbonated soft drink isn’t a soda, cola or pop . . . it’s a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: “What kinda coke you want?”

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

We don’t need no stinking driver’s Ed . . . If our mama says we can drive, we can drive.

EVERYONE can’t be an Arkansan; you gotta be brave to live here!

To: the Crazy-bat-shit-lady who picked up the free fridge

Seriously, I laughed til I hurt!

From the best of Craigslist…

Originally Posted: Fri, 30 Nov 22:06 EST

To the Crazy-bat-shit-lady who picked up the free fridge

---

Date: 2007-11-30, 10:06PM ESTDear Crazy-As-Bat-Shit-Lady:I am honored that you chose my ad for a mini fridge out of all the ads you could have chosen. It makes me feel good that my mini fridge will be supplying you with the ice cold beverages you’ve obviously become accustomed to.Next time you answer one of my ads, please note the following:

1. I am not Home Depot. If you travel thirty minutes to pick up a bulky 40-pound object, please come prepared with the necessary items you’ll need to secure it to your vehicle. Yes, I have rope. I have a lot of rope. I have many different colors and sizes of rope. No, you can not have my rope. The ad said I was giving away a fridge, not a fridge with rope. Nor was I offering a fridge with padding so that the pleather seats on your piece of crap 89 ford pinto with no hub caps car don’t get marked up.

2. What part of ‘ must pick up’ in the ad was confusing to you? Yes, I have a vehicle. No, I don’t want to haul your fridge all the way to East BumbleFuck on the coldest day of the year. No, I’m really really sure I don’t want to do that. No, really. I’m sure.

3. Please call me only once with ALL your questions. I left for the day, and had 5 messages on my answering machine, the last one was at 11:30 pm. Frankly lady, you were sounding a bit too crazy by the end of the day. It’s a fridge. A small metal box that keeps shit cold. I don’t have the fridge’s family tree. For all I know the fridge’s was conceived by a slutty young Maytag that graced some hillbilly’s side porch. I don’t know the exact age of the fridge. I bought it a few years ago, I used it for a couple of months, ok, I lied, I used it a whole year. The fact is, you’re not buying a race horse, you’re buying a used fridge.

4. No, I will not throw in a couple bucks of gas money to pick it up because your anal retentive eyes picked up the ittiest, bittiest hairline scratch with a microscope so it wasnt completly described. I’m not making judgements on you, but I’m pretty damn sure Donald Trump didn’t send you across the state to pick up a used fridge for Trump Towers. Though I’d wager the whole concept of the mini-fridge bar is a familar one to you.

5. Yes, you can unplug a fridge without any harm to the fridge. Believe me, the fridge is fine. The manufacturers have figured out a way to extend the life of a fridge that has been unplugged. Yes, I’m absolutely sure of that. No, you did not have to leave 2 messages about your concerns with the fridge being unplugged, and frankly it was a little embarrassing having the same conversation with you in my driveway where my neighbors could hear.

6. No, I don’t have the operating instructions. I can write them down for you though: Plug fridge in. Open door. Put crap inside. Take crap out when it’s cold. Eat or drink crap.

7. I am not a fridge pimp. I don’t have any more fridges at that price.No i dont have one in a diffrent color to match your other appliances, No, I don’t know where you can get another fridge just like this one for your friend. Yes, I know it’s in great condition, and I’m sure you’d like your other crazy-as-bat-shit-mini-fridge-finding-friends to have one just like it, but this is all I have. Here’s a thought, there’s this online classified ads website. Yeah, you may have heard of it, it’s called CRAIGSLIST. I dunno, maybe, just maybe, in this great land of ours, there’s another mini-fridge being advertised there.

8. Please remove my phone number from your address book. I think our relationship is over. Oh, and if you’ve added me to your AIM Buddy List, please delete me. Please. I beg you.

Yours truly,

the guy that gave you the fridge

• Location: jersey
• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 494903542

MY KINDA CHRISTMAS CAROLS!!!!

1.   Schizophrenia — Do You Hear What I Hear?

 

2.  Multiple Personality Disorder — We Three Queens Disoriented Are

 

3.  Amnesia — I Don’t Know if I’ll be Home for Christmas

 

4.  Narcissistic — Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

 

5.  Manic — Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and….

 

6.  Paranoid — Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

 

7.  Borderline Personality Disorder — Thought of Roasting on an Open Fire

 

8.  Full Personality Disorder — You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll Tell You Why

 

9.  Obsessive Compulsive Disorder — Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

 

10. Agoraphobia — I Heard the Bells of Christmas Day But Wouldn’t Leave My House

 

11. Senile Dementia — Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe

 

12. Oppositional Defiance Disorder — I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus… So I Burned the House Down

 

13. Attention Deficit Disorder — Silent Night, Holy oooh look at the froggy, can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

 

Twitter, Art, and Building Bridges

OK… so this is a first. I’m writing about a website. Well, a couple actually. This should be interesting.

So, I’m a Chris Pirillo fan. Yep, I’m a hard-core endorser of Pirillo’s Picks, and Chris Pirillo Live. Chris led me to check out www.Twitter.com, which, along with www.Twittermosaic.com, is what I’m writing about.

What is Twitter.com? You mean you don’t know? OMG! Where the hell have you been?

Twitter is: “A global community of friends and strangers answering one simple question: What are you doing?” You can answer on your phone, IM, or right here on the web!”

Yep, it’s that simple… what are you doing? right now? wherever you are …

It’s the craziest thing. It’s like “express blogging”. More than that, people will start following what you have to say. Now that REALLY blew me away. I’ve been on just a couple months, I’ve posted 1,800 lines of… “express blogs”, one-liners, comments, observations… you name it, I think I’ve probably touched on it. I’m up to 63 followers. People follow my meandering on the web, on their IM’s, on their phones. Of course, for the most part, I follow them back. The thing is, when someone adds me, I take a look at their profiles, and most of the time, they sound a lot like me… or at the very least, they sound like someone I would want to be freinds with. There are some very interesting individuals on there.

That would lead me to twittermosaic.com.

One day I get this new follower, named twitter_mosaics. I check out his bio and “twits”… seems interesting enough, so I add him. One day, he posts a link to a site called twittermosaic.com. I check it out, and am amazed to find the most amazing artistic renderings! Actual mosaics… not just plain mosaics, but beautiful artwork mosaics compiled of nothing but the icons of his twitter followers. I was really knocked over when I got to checking them out and found myself in one of the mosaics! (see Cactus followers)

This week, I was humbled and delighted to find myself in yet another of his fantastic renderings called “Blue Marble, Negative” ( See The Blue Marble, Negative)

It makes me feel like I’m part of history, in some way. Not only that, but as I scan through the icons, I find other Twitter friends there too. It’s almost like a snapshot in time. Twitter asks “what are you doing”, and www.twittermosaic.com answers with “these guys were twittering”. It’s a really, really cool thing to look at something that is outside, and larger, than yourself.

As for building bridges….

ok, so I mentioned “followers” and “following” in return. While I’m certainly not going to “name name’s” here, I have to say that I’m making some really good freinds on Twitter. Sure, they started out as “interesting folks”, but some of them are so much more than that. I’m making friends with people all over the globe. From housewives, to CEO’s…. we are all just people. Somehow, we find in each other that “one thing” that connects us. That’s all it takes… and the next thing you know, you find one more thing… then another, and another… and soon enough you aren’t just Twittering to the masses… you are sending direct messages… or you are looking forward to checking Twitter periodically just to see what your “freinds” had to say that day. Just like the things I write, some people make observations, some ask questions, some just say what they did for lunch, or what their dinner plans are. Some people make statements, some people make wishes, and some people make no sense whatsoever at times. The bottom line is, that eventually, you feel like you are part of something. You are part of that “global community” Twitter told you about on the welcome page. It’s a nice feeling.

I’m already making plans to see a new friend in person during my next trip to California. She ’s a really cool lady, and then I found out she makes her own glass beads, which has been an interest of mine as well. I’m going to check out her studio, and take a lesson or two from her while there. Just another bridge I built… from Arkansas to California…. and I built it on Twitter.com.

So check it out. … and if you want to check me out, you’ll find me there as twila_zoned. Throw me a “Twit” sometime!

http://twitter.com/twila_zoned

More stuff to ponder…

The only completely consistent people are the dead.

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it’s a pretty good empty experience.

Anything is good if it’s made of chocolate.

I believe in getting into hot water… it keeps you clean.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won’t have a leg to stand on.

Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

Since it’s the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

The second mouse gets the cheese.

When every thing’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Sex is like air. Only becomes really important when you aren’t getting any.

Don’t aspire to become irreplaceable.If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

Remember, no one is listening until you fart.

Never forget that you are unique, like everybody else.

Never test the depth of water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares whatever you are dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

If at first you don’t succeed, avoid skydiving.

Give a man a fish and will eat for a day.teach him how to fish, and he will sit on a boat and drink beer all day.

If you tell the truth,you don’t have to remember anything.

Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreens.

Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgments.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry and we get smacked on our ass. From then on in life gets worse.

Signs You’ve Had Too Much Coffee!

You’ve worn the finish off your coffee table.

All your kids are named Joe.

Chuck Yeager thinks you need to calm down.

Instant coffee takes too long.

Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

People can test their batteries in your ears.

People get dizzy just watching you.

Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.

The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.

When someone asks ‘how are you’ you say, ‘good to the last drop’.

You buy milk by the barrel.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

You can’t even remember your second cup.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

You chew on other people’s fingernails.

You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.

You don’t get mad, you get steamed.

You don’t need a hammer to pound in nails.

You don’t sweat, you percolate.

You don’t tan, you roast.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.

You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You have a conniption over spilled milk.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

You help your dog chase its tail.

You introduce your spouse as your coffee mate.

You just completed another sweater and you don’t know how to knit.

You lick your coffeepot clean.

You name your cats Cream and Sugar.

You short out motion detectors.

You ski uphill.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.

You speed-walk in your sleep.

You spend every vacation visiting Maxwell House.

You think being called a drip is a compliment.

You think CPR stands for Coffee Provides Resuscitation.

You’d be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

Your life’s goal is to amount to a hill of beans.

Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet & Low.

Your taste buds are so numb; you could drink your lava lamp.

Your Thermos is on wheels.

You’re so wired, you pick up AM radio.

You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

Things I’ve learned from watching horror movies

 

• I learned that if the house you are living in tells you to “GO AWAY,” do it. Now.
• If you’re a virgin, stay that way.
• If a killer with a knife is chasing you around the house, do NOT go upstairs. Go out the front door, you idiot!
• For God’s sake, turn on the lights.
• Never split up.
• Never stoop over to see if the killer is dead. He’s not.
• Never get naked in front of a window.
• Avoid the following geographical locations: Amityville, Elm Street, Crystal Lake, Transylvania, many islands, lover’s lanes, most secluded mountain resorts and all small towns in the state of Maine.
• Never pick up hitchhikers.
• If a small town off the highway is deserted, it’s probably for a very good reason.
• If your speedometer suddenly starts turning backward, trade the car. Now.
• Never dig up strange-looking objects in the woods.
• Never bury pets or loved ones in old Native American burial grounds, because they aaaalways come back…. Muahahaha!
• As a general rule, don’t try to solve puzzles that open doorways to Hell.
• Find out what your parents were up to when they were younger. You never know if they burned up a serial killer, had a mysterious “other child,” are not your real parents, or opened up a doorway to Hell.
• Ask yourself seriously, “Do I really want to float?”
• If there is a knock on the door in the middle of the night, but no one appears at the peephole, do NOT open the door and step outside to see who’s there.
• Never turn your back to a door. Ever.
• Never assume it’s your naked boyfriend/girlfriend under the sheet.
• Never mess with DNA. For any reason.
• No sex in graveyards.
• Keep your car filled with gas, tuned up, and for God’s sake keep your keys with you!
• On Halloween, there is no such thing as “coincidence.”
• Never stay overnight in the old house at the end of town that’s supposed to be haunted. Let them think you’re chicken. Even if the prize is one million dollars. It’s not worth it.
• Pig’s blood does not make for a good practical joke.
• The guy conducting an “insomnia study” in the spookiest old mansion in town that no one will approach after dark is not telling you the truth.
• Watch out for the guy with an accent purchasing the abbey next door who works the night shift.
• If you’re alone in the house and something calls out your name, leave immediately through the nearest exit. If there is no exit, make one.
• When you’ve shot the monster six times to no effect, don’t bother throwing the gun at it. It will do you no good.
• Do not answer distress calls from deserted planets that never see daylight.
• Don’t touch the TV that calls your name.
• When the power goes out, do not go into the basement armed only with a candle to see if the fuse is out.
• Reasons to consider moving out of that great house that was such a bargain: bleeding walls, disembodied voices, too many flies, a room in the basement painted red that wasn’t on the blueprints, phone service that seems to come and go, windows that look like eyes, finding out horrible murders were committed in the house, secret passages behind the bookcases, all your neighbors loooove to cook. clean and do housework.
• In fact, when these things start happening, just set fire to the house. It always ends that way anyway and you’ll save time.
• There is no good reason why anyone’s eyes should glow red.
• The crank caller breathing heavily into the phone is already in your house.
• Children speaking in deep, scary voices should be listened to.
• There IS a boogeyman.
• If a kid says, “I see dead people,” believe him.
• If you just ripped your phone out of the wall and it rings anyway, DON’T ANSWER IT!
• Clothing to avoid: capes, high heels, ancient amulets you don’t understand.
• Never break quarantine.
• People wearing hockey masks, ski masks or any Halloween costume that covers the face should be avoided.
• The crazy old guy everybody laughs at knows what he’s talking about.
• Leprechauns really don’t want to grant you three wishes.
• Elevators going up and down by themselves have something wrong with them that a maintenance man can’t fix.
• Do not attempt to kill your spouse for her inheritance/life insurance/to marry your secretary. You will not get the results you seek.
• Reasons you are probably toast: you’re a mayor, sheriff, high school principal or some other person of authority who doesn’t believe in the monster; a lawyer, politician, CEO of a polluting corporation or similar sleazeball; a cop, doctor or similar adult trying to help the kids; you are obsessed with sex and/or drugs; your boobs are bigger than your brain; your name does not appear among the first three in the credits.
• Never open the locked door.
• Don’t go in the water.
• Pay attention to dogs, cats, horses and other more intelligent creatures. If they’re nervous, scram.
• When using a matter transporter, triple-check the pod for flies.
• Don’t mess with the gypsies.
• Never repeat any names while staring into the bathroom mirror.
• Skip the shortcut.
• Never take anything from a clown in a sewer.
• If the price of that really neat knickknack includes “a favor,” you don’t want it.
• You won’t be right back.
• Don’t pick on the miserable geek or the ugly, unpopular girl. You’ll get yours.
• The aliens are not friendly.
• No, it’s not your imagination.

•They ARE out to get you and it IS as bad as it seems!