Geography of the Sexes

Geography Of A Woman

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious  and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn’t make the same mistakes twice; takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet.  Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages…. she has an adventurous spirit and still has a thirst for knowledge, especially spiritual knowledge.

GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.

THE END

Mexican Words of the Day

1. *Cheese*   The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies:   Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

2. *Mushroom*  When all my family get in the car, there’s not mushroom

3. *Shoulder*   My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn’t  know how to read so I shoulder.

4. * Texas *   My fren always Texas me when I’m not home wondering where I’m at!

5. *Herpes*   Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. *July*     Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum*   I had 2 cars but my amigo rectum!

8. *Chicken*   I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*     We only have one enchilada left, but don’t worry wheelchair

10. *Chicken wing*    My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing

11. *Harassment*   My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her  “honey, harassment nothing to me.”

12. *Bishop*     My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

13. *Body wash*    I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

14. *Budweiser*   That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

How Things Are Done In The South!

Yep, looks like one of my family members got buck ass wild with the camera again….

43 Things

I’m sure many of you have started a list at 43things.com. I was looking over my list this morning and got to thinking… “what are 43 things I could do everyday that would help to make me happy?”  This is what I came up with…

 

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk,

smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.

 

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Buy a lock

if you have to.

 

3. Buy a DVR/TIVO, tape your late night shows and get more sleep.

 

4. When you wake up in the morning complete the following

statement, “My purpose is to ______today.”

 

5. Live with the 3 E’s: Energy, Enthusiasm, Empathy.

 

6. Watch more movies, play more games and read more books

than you did in 2007.

 

7. Find out who you are, and do it on purpose.

 

8. Spend more time with people over the age of 70 and under

the age of 6.

 

9. Dream more while you are awake.

 

10. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

 

11. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli, almonds & walnuts.

 

12. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

 

13. Clear your clutter from your house, your car, your desk, and let new and flowing energy into your life.

 

14. Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

 

15. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class, but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

 

16. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.

 

17. Smile and laugh more. It will keep the energy vampires away.

 

18. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

 

19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

 

20. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

 

21. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

 

22. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.

 

23. Don’t compare your life to others’. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

 

24. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, and wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special!

 

25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

 

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: “In five years will this matter?”

 

27. Forgive everyone for everything.

 

28. What other people think of you is none of your business.

 

29. Time heals almost everything. Give time…. time.

 

30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

 

31. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick.

Your friends will. Stay in touch.

 

32. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.

 

33. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

 

34. The best is yet to come.

 

35. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

 

36. Do the right thing!

 

37. Call your family often.

 

38. Each night before you go to bed complete the following

statements: “I am thankful for __________. Today I

accomplished _________.”

 

39. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

 

40. Enjoy the ride. Remember that this is not Disney World and you certainly don’t want a fast pass. You only have one ride through life so make the most of

 

41.Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great. it and enjoy the ride.

 

 42. Don’t be afraid to get into hot water. It keeps you clean.

 

….and think about this…..

 

43. How old would you be if you didn’t have a mirror… If you didn’t know when you were born? Your ancestors didn’t and they knew no boundaries!

 

Twitter, Art, and Building Bridges

OK… so this is a first. I’m writing about a website. Well, a couple actually. This should be interesting.

So, I’m a Chris Pirillo fan. Yep, I’m a hard-core endorser of Pirillo’s Picks, and Chris Pirillo Live. Chris led me to check out www.Twitter.com, which, along with www.Twittermosaic.com, is what I’m writing about.

What is Twitter.com? You mean you don’t know? OMG! Where the hell have you been?

Twitter is: “A global community of friends and strangers answering one simple question: What are you doing?” You can answer on your phone, IM, or right here on the web!”

Yep, it’s that simple… what are you doing? right now? wherever you are …

It’s the craziest thing. It’s like “express blogging”. More than that, people will start following what you have to say. Now that REALLY blew me away. I’ve been on just a couple months, I’ve posted 1,800 lines of… “express blogs”, one-liners, comments, observations… you name it, I think I’ve probably touched on it. I’m up to 63 followers. People follow my meandering on the web, on their IM’s, on their phones. Of course, for the most part, I follow them back. The thing is, when someone adds me, I take a look at their profiles, and most of the time, they sound a lot like me… or at the very least, they sound like someone I would want to be freinds with. There are some very interesting individuals on there.

That would lead me to twittermosaic.com.

One day I get this new follower, named twitter_mosaics. I check out his bio and “twits”… seems interesting enough, so I add him. One day, he posts a link to a site called twittermosaic.com. I check it out, and am amazed to find the most amazing artistic renderings! Actual mosaics… not just plain mosaics, but beautiful artwork mosaics compiled of nothing but the icons of his twitter followers. I was really knocked over when I got to checking them out and found myself in one of the mosaics! (see Cactus followers)

This week, I was humbled and delighted to find myself in yet another of his fantastic renderings called “Blue Marble, Negative” ( See The Blue Marble, Negative)

It makes me feel like I’m part of history, in some way. Not only that, but as I scan through the icons, I find other Twitter friends there too. It’s almost like a snapshot in time. Twitter asks “what are you doing”, and www.twittermosaic.com answers with “these guys were twittering”. It’s a really, really cool thing to look at something that is outside, and larger, than yourself.

As for building bridges….

ok, so I mentioned “followers” and “following” in return. While I’m certainly not going to “name name’s” here, I have to say that I’m making some really good freinds on Twitter. Sure, they started out as “interesting folks”, but some of them are so much more than that. I’m making friends with people all over the globe. From housewives, to CEO’s…. we are all just people. Somehow, we find in each other that “one thing” that connects us. That’s all it takes… and the next thing you know, you find one more thing… then another, and another… and soon enough you aren’t just Twittering to the masses… you are sending direct messages… or you are looking forward to checking Twitter periodically just to see what your “freinds” had to say that day. Just like the things I write, some people make observations, some ask questions, some just say what they did for lunch, or what their dinner plans are. Some people make statements, some people make wishes, and some people make no sense whatsoever at times. The bottom line is, that eventually, you feel like you are part of something. You are part of that “global community” Twitter told you about on the welcome page. It’s a nice feeling.

I’m already making plans to see a new friend in person during my next trip to California. She ’s a really cool lady, and then I found out she makes her own glass beads, which has been an interest of mine as well. I’m going to check out her studio, and take a lesson or two from her while there. Just another bridge I built… from Arkansas to California…. and I built it on Twitter.com.

So check it out. … and if you want to check me out, you’ll find me there as twila_zoned. Throw me a “Twit” sometime!

http://twitter.com/twila_zoned

More stuff to ponder…

The only completely consistent people are the dead.

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it’s a pretty good empty experience.

Anything is good if it’s made of chocolate.

I believe in getting into hot water… it keeps you clean.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won’t have a leg to stand on.

Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

Since it’s the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

The second mouse gets the cheese.

When every thing’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Sex is like air. Only becomes really important when you aren’t getting any.

Don’t aspire to become irreplaceable.If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

Remember, no one is listening until you fart.

Never forget that you are unique, like everybody else.

Never test the depth of water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares whatever you are dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

If at first you don’t succeed, avoid skydiving.

Give a man a fish and will eat for a day.teach him how to fish, and he will sit on a boat and drink beer all day.

If you tell the truth,you don’t have to remember anything.

Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreens.

Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgments.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry and we get smacked on our ass. From then on in life gets worse.

Signs You’ve Had Too Much Coffee!

You’ve worn the finish off your coffee table.

All your kids are named Joe.

Chuck Yeager thinks you need to calm down.

Instant coffee takes too long.

Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

People can test their batteries in your ears.

People get dizzy just watching you.

Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.

The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.

When someone asks ‘how are you’ you say, ‘good to the last drop’.

You buy milk by the barrel.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

You can’t even remember your second cup.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

You chew on other people’s fingernails.

You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.

You don’t get mad, you get steamed.

You don’t need a hammer to pound in nails.

You don’t sweat, you percolate.

You don’t tan, you roast.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.

You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You have a conniption over spilled milk.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

You help your dog chase its tail.

You introduce your spouse as your coffee mate.

You just completed another sweater and you don’t know how to knit.

You lick your coffeepot clean.

You name your cats Cream and Sugar.

You short out motion detectors.

You ski uphill.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.

You speed-walk in your sleep.

You spend every vacation visiting Maxwell House.

You think being called a drip is a compliment.

You think CPR stands for Coffee Provides Resuscitation.

You’d be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

Your life’s goal is to amount to a hill of beans.

Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet & Low.

Your taste buds are so numb; you could drink your lava lamp.

Your Thermos is on wheels.

You’re so wired, you pick up AM radio.

You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

What’s My Age Again?

Ahh…. more proof that I have not yet grown up. It’s a good thing too, or this past week might have killed me.

When I was young, my dad took me to all kinds of amazing places, and I decided to share a few of my favorite spots with them along the way. Oh boy….. I ain’t as young as I used to be….

Yeah, it was one heck of a trip. We stopped on the way there, and hiked for 5 hours and covered 10 miles up on Petit Jean Mountain. We explored the Rock Cave House, and showed the kids cave paintings and pictures pecked into the stone that dated back to 8000 BC. We didn’t INTEND to hike 10 miles. We unknowingly got onto a trail made for boy scouts. My asthmatic ass made it through, but my thighs may never be the same.

On Sunday, we took mom out to eat, then took her to the botanical gardens in OKC so we could work off what we ate. Then I went to Grandpas and got out the John Deere so I could mow (more like bush-hog) his yard. I got done about 10pm, so I was mowing my headlight, and when I finished we got to swappin “snake stories” in the house. ( I am DEATHLY afraid of snakes). This was prompted by the escapade I had just endured while takin’ care of the mowing biz. I had to mow up a steep incline, where all I could do was pull the tractor forward and back to mow. During a back-up, I thought I saw a snake, and I came up off the seat to see “what the hell!?…” Well, on this tractor, when you get off the seat, it shuts off, as a safety feature. Oh helllllllll nooooooo… When it started boggin’, I threw my ass back down on that seat something HARD, and threw the tractor into high and romped the gas, causing it to pop a wheelie on the way up the hill, which meant having to throw myself OVER the front of the tractor while keeping enough weight on the seat to keep it from dying again.

The kids thought I was playing “tractor rodeo” and simply showing out. While I think it’s great that the kids have that much faith in my tractor driving abilities, it was sooooooo not the case at that moment. It was fear and snake loathing at its finest that prompted my rodeo-oics.

Anyhow, no sooner did we walk out of grandpa’s, did we find a baby rattler right behind the truck. Luckily, we had apparently driven over it and squished in in half. Still, I went from a 39 yr old to a 3 yr old in about .000001 seconds. Sometimes, I am SUCH a girlie girl. God, I hate that.

On the way home we hiked a few more miles up at Devil’s Den, where we did some cave explorations, danced under the Twin Falls, played in Cold Creek, and cooled off in The Devils IceBox. My friend had a panic attack in down in the bowels of the cave over the bats, and while it took us 40 minutes to get down where we were, it took about 8 minutes to get out, with her in the lead. Later, we ran into fresh bear tracks, and pretty much jogged the rest of the way out of the woods.

Oh yeah…. and the snake on the hill? It was nothing but a small green stick. Don’t tell the kids though, I never did….

Things I’ve learned from watching horror movies

 

• I learned that if the house you are living in tells you to “GO AWAY,” do it. Now.
• If you’re a virgin, stay that way.
• If a killer with a knife is chasing you around the house, do NOT go upstairs. Go out the front door, you idiot!
• For God’s sake, turn on the lights.
• Never split up.
• Never stoop over to see if the killer is dead. He’s not.
• Never get naked in front of a window.
• Avoid the following geographical locations: Amityville, Elm Street, Crystal Lake, Transylvania, many islands, lover’s lanes, most secluded mountain resorts and all small towns in the state of Maine.
• Never pick up hitchhikers.
• If a small town off the highway is deserted, it’s probably for a very good reason.
• If your speedometer suddenly starts turning backward, trade the car. Now.
• Never dig up strange-looking objects in the woods.
• Never bury pets or loved ones in old Native American burial grounds, because they aaaalways come back…. Muahahaha!
• As a general rule, don’t try to solve puzzles that open doorways to Hell.
• Find out what your parents were up to when they were younger. You never know if they burned up a serial killer, had a mysterious “other child,” are not your real parents, or opened up a doorway to Hell.
• Ask yourself seriously, “Do I really want to float?”
• If there is a knock on the door in the middle of the night, but no one appears at the peephole, do NOT open the door and step outside to see who’s there.
• Never turn your back to a door. Ever.
• Never assume it’s your naked boyfriend/girlfriend under the sheet.
• Never mess with DNA. For any reason.
• No sex in graveyards.
• Keep your car filled with gas, tuned up, and for God’s sake keep your keys with you!
• On Halloween, there is no such thing as “coincidence.”
• Never stay overnight in the old house at the end of town that’s supposed to be haunted. Let them think you’re chicken. Even if the prize is one million dollars. It’s not worth it.
• Pig’s blood does not make for a good practical joke.
• The guy conducting an “insomnia study” in the spookiest old mansion in town that no one will approach after dark is not telling you the truth.
• Watch out for the guy with an accent purchasing the abbey next door who works the night shift.
• If you’re alone in the house and something calls out your name, leave immediately through the nearest exit. If there is no exit, make one.
• When you’ve shot the monster six times to no effect, don’t bother throwing the gun at it. It will do you no good.
• Do not answer distress calls from deserted planets that never see daylight.
• Don’t touch the TV that calls your name.
• When the power goes out, do not go into the basement armed only with a candle to see if the fuse is out.
• Reasons to consider moving out of that great house that was such a bargain: bleeding walls, disembodied voices, too many flies, a room in the basement painted red that wasn’t on the blueprints, phone service that seems to come and go, windows that look like eyes, finding out horrible murders were committed in the house, secret passages behind the bookcases, all your neighbors loooove to cook. clean and do housework.
• In fact, when these things start happening, just set fire to the house. It always ends that way anyway and you’ll save time.
• There is no good reason why anyone’s eyes should glow red.
• The crank caller breathing heavily into the phone is already in your house.
• Children speaking in deep, scary voices should be listened to.
• There IS a boogeyman.
• If a kid says, “I see dead people,” believe him.
• If you just ripped your phone out of the wall and it rings anyway, DON’T ANSWER IT!
• Clothing to avoid: capes, high heels, ancient amulets you don’t understand.
• Never break quarantine.
• People wearing hockey masks, ski masks or any Halloween costume that covers the face should be avoided.
• The crazy old guy everybody laughs at knows what he’s talking about.
• Leprechauns really don’t want to grant you three wishes.
• Elevators going up and down by themselves have something wrong with them that a maintenance man can’t fix.
• Do not attempt to kill your spouse for her inheritance/life insurance/to marry your secretary. You will not get the results you seek.
• Reasons you are probably toast: you’re a mayor, sheriff, high school principal or some other person of authority who doesn’t believe in the monster; a lawyer, politician, CEO of a polluting corporation or similar sleazeball; a cop, doctor or similar adult trying to help the kids; you are obsessed with sex and/or drugs; your boobs are bigger than your brain; your name does not appear among the first three in the credits.
• Never open the locked door.
• Don’t go in the water.
• Pay attention to dogs, cats, horses and other more intelligent creatures. If they’re nervous, scram.
• When using a matter transporter, triple-check the pod for flies.
• Don’t mess with the gypsies.
• Never repeat any names while staring into the bathroom mirror.
• Skip the shortcut.
• Never take anything from a clown in a sewer.
• If the price of that really neat knickknack includes “a favor,” you don’t want it.
• You won’t be right back.
• Don’t pick on the miserable geek or the ugly, unpopular girl. You’ll get yours.
• The aliens are not friendly.
• No, it’s not your imagination.

•They ARE out to get you and it IS as bad as it seems!

101 Uses For Canned Air

1. USE ALONG WITH MILK TO CREATE A FAKE CAPPUCCINO.
2. ADDED INCENTIVE DURING “ROACH RACES.”
3. INSTANT METHANE REMOVAL FROM OFFICE OR CUBICLE.
4. CAN BE USED TO RE-CREATE THAT “GREAT NORTHEASTERN WIND A BLOWIN” WHEN CALLING CLIENTS.
5. A QUICK AND SOMETIMES EFFICIENT WAY TO GIVE YOURSELF THAT “HARRIED” LOOK AT THE OFFICE – TO BE AVOIDED BY TOUPEE WEARERS.
6. HAVING A BAD HAIR DAY? THEN SLAP SOME WATER ON YOUR HEAD, SMOOTH YOUR HAIR AND DRY IT WITHOUT HAVING TO BEND OVER TO GET TO THE HAND DRYER.
7. QUICK BURN RELIEF: USE SPARINGLY, OR YOU’LL END UP WITH FREEZER BURN, TOO.
8. DOG TRAINING – IT’S BETTER THAN WHISTLING.
9. CAT REMOVAL – A QUICK PSSSSSSSSSSSST IS GUARANTEED TO SCARE EVEN THE TOUGHEST ALLEY CAT.
10. CLEANING THE LINT BUILDUP OUT OF YOUR NAVEL ON REALLY SLOW DAYS. AND WHY IS THE LINT ALWAYS BLUE?
11. AIM AT THE TOP OF THE CUBICLE CABINET TOWARD THE PERSON ON THE OTHER SIDE TO MOVE DUST AND OTHER MISCELLANEOUS DEBRIS TO WHERE IT RIGHTLY BELONGS.
12. USE THE COOLING NATURE OF CANNED AIR TO HEAT UP YOUR OFFICE IN THE COLD WINTER MONTHS. JUST SPRAY THE THERMOSTAT WITH A HEALTHY SHOT OF CANNED AIR, AND WAIT FOR THE HEAT TO KICK IN!
13. WHILE CAN IS BEHIND YOUR BACK, FOLLOW SOMEONE INTO THE ELEVATOR AND A GOOD, LONG BLAST, THEN LOOK AROUND EXCITEDLY EXCLAIMING THAT YOU’RE TOO YOUNG TO DIE THIS WAY.
14. GIVE A WHISTLE THE ENERGY IT NEEDS TO CONVINCE YOUR BOSS THE EVACUATION ALARM SOUNDED.
15. CONSERVE TREES BY BLOWING THE SEEDS AND EXCREMENT FROM THE BOTTOM OF BIRD CAGES, THUS SAVING THE PAPER FOR FURTHER USAGE.
16. CLEAN THE CRUMBS FROM A BUCKET SEAT.
17. DON’T HANDLE THEM DIRECTLY – BLOW THE DUST OFF THOSE MOUSE BALLS!
18. EAR WAX REMOVAL. PLACE THREE DROPS OF WARM SALT WATER IN THE EAR CANAL. ALLOW TO SET FOR ONE MINUTE. HOLD AIR-STRAW TWO INCHES FROM EAR CANAL, BLOW… SEE IF YOU CAN HIT SOMEONE WITH THE FLYING WAX.
19. BLOWING LIQUID THROUGH A STRAW. WITH THE USE OF COMPRESSED AIR, THE LIQUID CAN BE BLOWN FURTHER. WITH THE USE OF 1/2″ DIAMETER PLASTIC TUBING, AND A MIDNIGHT TUBE-RUNNING OFFICE VISIT, IT CAN BE BLOWN ON UNSUSPECTING CO-WORKERS FROM BEHIND CLOSED DOORS.
20. REV UP THAT GRILL: STAND BACK ABOUT TWO FEET AND REV UP YOUR CHARCOAL GRILL FIRE WITH A FEW BLOWS!
21. BLOWING UP SKIRTS À LA MARILYN MONROE.
22. WART REMOVAL: INVERT CAN, SPRAY TO FREEZE WART.
23. FREEZE GUM THAT IS STUCK IN THE CARPET OR UPHOLSTERY AND THEN REMOVE WITH A PUTTY KNIFE.
24. REMOVING CATS FROM KEYBOARDS.
25. REMOVING ANNOYING NON-IT COWORKERS (THEY USUALLY THINK IT’S SOME SORT OF HARMFUL CHEMICAL).
26. REMOVING TOILET WATER FROM A CELL PHONE DROPPED THERE BY MY 16-YEAR-OLD.
27. PAPERWEIGHT – PARTICULARLY USEFUL WHILE USING ANOTHER CAN TO DUST DESK.
28. ON SLOW DAYS, DRAW A SHUFFLEBOARD DIAGRAM ON A TABLETOP; USE CANNED AIR TO SHOOT BOTTLE CAPS TO SCORE.
29. CANNED AIR IS PERFECT FOR CLEANING THE CUT WHISKERS OUT OF YOUR ELECTRIC RAZOR.
30. CLEANING RESIDUE FROM COFFEE GRINDER.
31. BLOWING EXCESS CHEESE OUT OF YOUR MAC ‘N CHEESE.
32. INFLATING UNDERSTUFFED RAVIOLI TO CREATE THE ILLUSION OF OVERSTUFFED.
33. PUT A FROTH OF FOAM ON YOUR COFFEE, AND IT’S CHEAPER THAN STARBUCKS.
34. TURN THE CAN UPSIDE DOWN AND QUICKLY COOL YOUR FAVORITE FLAVOR OF JELL-O AFTER BOILING IT IN THE MICROWAVE. PARTICULARLY EFFECTIVE FOR GREEN JELL-O.
35. ALSO GREAT FOR THAT HALF-BOTTLE OF MOUNTAIN DEW ON THE CORNER OF THE DESK WHEN YOU JUST WON’T DRINK IT WARM.
36. FILL CAN WITH MILDLY PRESSURIZED, PURIFIED AIR (NOTHING BUT 78% N2, 21% O2, 0.94% AR2, 0.03% CO2 AND A 0.03% MIX OF OTHER NATURAL ELEMENTAL GASES). THIS RESULTS IN A COLORLESS AND ODORLESS MIXTURE. THEN, WHENEVER YOU TIRE OF THE SMELL AND POISONS OF POLLUTION, JUST SPRAY THE PURE AIR IN YOUR FACE AND BREATHE DEEP!
37. INDOOR MODEL ROCKETRY: TAKE ONE OF THOSE HANDY LITTLE FILM CANISTERS NORMALLY USED FOR HOLDING CASE SCREWS – TAPE ROCKET STYLE FINS TO THE CANISTER. IMPORTANT: THE FAT END OF THE FINS MUST BE AT THE OPEN END OF THE CANISTER. WHILE HOLDING THE CANISTER OPEN END UP INVERT THE CANNED AIR AND SPRAY INTO THE CANISTER FOR SEVERAL SECONDS CREATING A 1/8 INCH DEEP POOL OF PROPELLANT. IMMEDIATELY PLACE THE CAP ON THE CANISTER AND PLACE CAP DOWN ON ANY LEVEL SURFACE. IN A MATTER OF MOMENTS THE “INDOOR ROCKET” IS LAUNCHED AT EXTREMELY HIGH SPEED INTO THE AIR / CEILING TILES / BOSS’S OFFICE.
38. SUPPORT THE WIND POWER INDUSTRY BY KEEPING THE TURBINES GOING WHENEVER THE WIND DROPS.
39. SPRAY LIBERALLY TO COOL THE AIR WHEN GLOBAL WARMING HEATS IT.
40. SPRAY LIBERALLY TO WARM THE AIR WHEN GLOBAL WARMING PRODUCES UNUSUALLY COLD WEATHER.
41. BLOWING BUBBLES; SIMPLY INSERT INTO THE LITTLE BOTTLE AND ZILLIONS OF BUBBLE APPEAR FROM NOWHERE.
42. EMERGENCY CAN OF AIR FOR FISH TANK, WHEN THE FISH TANK PUMP BREAKS DOWN.
43. HELP BLOW MILK OUT OF YOU NOSE.
44. SHOOT PAPER WADS OUT OF STRAW.
45. PLAY AIR HOCKEY AT MCDONALDS WITH TRIANGLE STRAW.
46. TURN PAGES IN YOUR SMART COMPUTING MAGAZINE.
47. CREATING DUST DEVILS – INSERT INTO BAG OF POWDERED SUGAR AND LET IT RIP.
48. EMERGENCY OUTBOARD MOTOR.
49. DEFEATHERING NOISY PARAKEETS.
50. CHOCOLATE MILK STIRRER.
51. BLOW IT IN THE FACE OF YOUR DOG TO CREATE THE ILLUSION OF HANGING HEAD OUT OF WINDOW WHILE DRIVING.
52. BLOW IN YOUR CAT’S FACE SO SHE CAN PRETEND SHE IS BEING CHASED BY THE DOG IN THE CAR.
53. FORCING SAND FURTHER INTO SENSITIVE MACHINERY TO INCREASE WEAR FACTOR.
54. COOLING DOWN THE ARM PITS, ESPECIALLY WHEN HOT AND WET.
55. SINCE THE CANNED AIR DOESN’T CONTAIN AIR, BUT SOME HEAVIER THAN AIR GAS — IT CAN BE USED TO MAKE “HEAVY BALLOONS” THAT FALL TO THE GROUND LIKE BRICKS. SURE TO AMAZE YOUR COWORKERS!
56. IRRITATE NEXT DOOR’S PIT BULL.
57. SEE JUST HOW BIG YOU CAN INFLATE A BULL FROG BEFORE IT POPS.
58. TURN THE PAGES ON A CALENDAR ONCE A MONTH.
59. WIN EVERY TIME PLAYING BALLOON-KEEP-UP.
60. THERE ARE A LOT OF MACHINES IN THE LAB AND THE WHITE NOISE TENDS TO LULL TIRED TECHNICIANS TO SLEEP. A SQUIRT OF CANNED AIR TO THE EAR WAKES ‘EM RIGHT UP!
61. HUMANE FLY SWATTER.
62. A VERY SHORT SHOT OF AIR WILL FORCE INK INTO A REFILLED CARTRIDGE. INSERT IN FILL HOLE, COVER WITH PAPER TOWEL AND GIVE A BURST. INK WILL FLOW FROM THE JET NOZZLE OF THE CARTRIDGE. TOO MUCH AIR WILL MAKE A MESS!
63. USE TO BLOW OUT WINDSHIELD WIPER HOSE.
64. TAPE CAN TO MODEL BOAT, THEN TAPE DOWN NOZZLE AND PUT IN WATER.
65. USE A LOT OF CASES OF AIR TO BLOW OFF LEAVES FROM YARD.
66. BLOW OUT RAIN GUTTERS.
67. BLOW BUBBLES IN BATH WATER.
68. IRRITATE WASPS.
69. HELP GET KITES OFF THE GROUND.
70. BLOW SAND INTO YOUR BROTHER’S SHORTS.
71. INSERT INTO FRONT OF PANTS AND COOL DOWN.
72. AS A FISHING AID: USE THE CANNED AIR TO SAIL THE LINE OUT.
73. KEEPING THE CAT OFF OF THE SOFA.
74. CHILL A PITCHER OF TEA, PUT CAN INTO TEA AND PULL TRIGGER.
75. IF YOU HAVE NOTHING BUT A WARM CAN OF SODA AND THE ICE TRAY IS EMPTY, YOU CAN FREEZE THE WATER IN THE BOTTOM OF A PAPER CUP…INVERT THE CAN AND SPRAY INSIDE THE CUP.
76. FREEZING BODY PARTS OF UNWELCOME VISITORS IN YOUR OFFICE – INVERT THE CAN, AIM AT BODY PART AND SQUEEZE WHILE INFORMING THE USER THAT YOU DON’T TAKE WALK-IN REQUESTS. IF REPEATED WITH SUFFICIENT FREQUENCY AND CONSISTENCY THIS SHOULD ELICIT A PAVLOVIAN RESPONSE AND CREATE AN AVERSION TO NOT FOLLOWING THE CORRECTION PROCEDURE FOR SUBMITTING A HELP TICKET.
77. COOLING SOLDER.
78. REMOVING CHEWED OFF FINGERNAILS FROM KEYBOARD.
79. CLEANING PIERCINGS.
80. MAKING OBNOXIOUS ARMPIT NOISES – INSERT STRAW IN ARMPIT, SQUEEZE ARM TO SIDE OF BODY AND PRESS TRIGGER.
81. EXPELLING ANTS FROM YOUR WORK AREA.
82. COOLING YOUR COFFEE IN A CAFFEINE EMERGENCY.
83. REMOVING IRRITANTS FROM BRA WITHOUT HAVING TO DISROBE.
84. EJECTING THE FLUFF FROM BETWEEN TOES WHILE AVOIDING ACTUAL CONTACT.
85. COOLING SKIN WITHIN A CAST.
86. AS AN AIR-BRUSH PROPELLANT.
87. PLAYING THE ENGLISH GAME OF “BLOW FOOTBALL” – TRADITIONALLY PLAYED BY BLOWING THROUGH STRAWS, BUT EXPEDITIOUS USE OF CANNED AIR MAKES FOR LONGER AND MORE CHALLENGING GAMES WITH REDUCED RISK OF ASPHYXIATION.
88. RIDDING INFREQUENTLY USED POWER SUPPLIES OF BROWN RECLUSE SPIDERS (THIS HAPPENED…).
89. COOLING YOUR FEET OFF WITHOUT HAVING TO REMOVE SOCKS OR SHOES – INSERT STRAW IN SOCK AND SQUEEZE TRIGGER. BE WARNED THAT THIS HAS THE ADDED BONUS OF LIBERALLY DISTRIBUTING BODY ODOR IF YOU SUFFER FROM THIS PROBLEM (THIS ALSO APPLIES TO 5).
90. ADDING FOAM TO HOT CHOCOLATE.
91. LOCATING PRECISELY WHICH TOOTH IT IS THAT HAS BECOME COLD SENSITIVE.
92. PAINTING WITH HOT AND COLD.
93. BLASTING THE CRUD OUT OF MICE.
94. THE INCREDIBLE GROWING PUTTY BALL.
95. FIRING SMALL MISSILES.
96. SURPRISING A NAPPING CAT.
97. CONFUSING TELEMARKETERS – NOT AS EFFECTIVE AS AN AIR HORN, BUT STILL QUITE ALARMING.
98. DRYING SKATE BEARINGS.
99. CLEARING SINUSES (DON’T TRY THIS).
100. INFLATING BALLOONS.
101. QUICK-DRYING PLAYDOH® SCULPTURES OF MINIATURE DONKEYS MADE AT DESK ON SLOW DAYS.