Geography of the Sexes

Geography Of A Woman

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious  and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn’t make the same mistakes twice; takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet.  Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages…. she has an adventurous spirit and still has a thirst for knowledge, especially spiritual knowledge.

GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.

THE END

Mexican Words of the Day

1. *Cheese*   The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies:   Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

2. *Mushroom*  When all my family get in the car, there’s not mushroom

3. *Shoulder*   My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn’t  know how to read so I shoulder.

4. * Texas *   My fren always Texas me when I’m not home wondering where I’m at!

5. *Herpes*   Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. *July*     Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum*   I had 2 cars but my amigo rectum!

8. *Chicken*   I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*     We only have one enchilada left, but don’t worry wheelchair

10. *Chicken wing*    My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing

11. *Harassment*   My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her  “honey, harassment nothing to me.”

12. *Bishop*     My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

13. *Body wash*    I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

14. *Budweiser*   That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

Military Mischief

Army Humor

THANK GOD THEY CAN STILL MAINTAIN THEIR SENSE OF HUMOR OVER THERE!

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Army Humor

THANK GOD THEY CAN STILL MAINTAIN THEIR SENSE OF HUMOR OVER THERE!

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How Things Are Done In The South!

Yep, looks like one of my family members got buck ass wild with the camera again….

15 Hilarious Church Signs

You’ve seen them – the signs in front of churches, with a witticism or a pun that made you groan. Here is a list of 15 hilarious Church Signs.

source

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED FROM LIVING IN ARKANSAS

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in Arkansas.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Arkansas plus a couple no one’s seen before.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.

People actually grow and eat okra.

“Fixinto” is one word.

There is no such thing as “lunch.” There is only dinner and then there is supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you’re two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!

Backards and forwards means “I know everything about you.”

DJeet? Is actually a phrase meaning “Did you eat?”

You don’t have to wear a watch because it doesn¢t matter what time it is.

You work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.

You don’t PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

You measure distance in minutes.

You’ve ever had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.

“Fix” is a verb. Example: “I’m fixing to go to the store.”

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

You know what a “DAWG” is.

You carry jumper cables in your car . . . For your OWN car.

There are only four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

The first day of deer season is a national holiday.

100 degrees Fahrenheit “a little warm.”

We have four seasons: Almost Summer, summer, still summer and Christmas.

Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as “goin’ Wal-martin” or off to “Wally World.”

A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.

A carbonated soft drink isn’t a soda, cola or pop . . . it’s a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: “What kinda coke you want?”

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

We don’t need no stinking driver’s Ed . . . If our mama says we can drive, we can drive.

EVERYONE can’t be an Arkansan; you gotta be brave to live here!

Amazingy Simple Home Remedies

 

1.  If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage will be almost instantly  removed.

 

2.  Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

 

3.  You can avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting  the toilet seat just by using the sink.

 

4.  For high blood  pressure  sufferers: simply cut  yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use an egg timer.

 

5.  A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

 

6.  If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.

 

7.  Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a  hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.

 

8.  Sometimes, we just need to remember a few of the simple rules of life…

 

“In life, you only tools you need are WD-40 and Duct Tape.  If it doesn’t move, but should, use WD-40. If it should not move, and does, use the duct tape.”

 

9.  Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

 

10.       Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

 

 

Thought For The Day:

 

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES…. THEY ARE NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING… BUT THEY STILL BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS

 

Recipe for Making Love

HOW TO MAKE LOVE

Ingredients:

 
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana

Directions:

1. Look into laughing eyes.

2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.

 
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.

4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well
creamed. For best results, continue to knead milk containers.

5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts,
leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).

6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat
steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

Notes:

 
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and
after use.

2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.

3. If cake rises, leave town.

4. For best results pass recipe on to friends

 

 

Today’s “To Do” List…

 

Live with Intention.

Walk to the Edge.

Listen Hard.

Practice Wellness.

Play with Abandon.

Laugh.

Choose No Regret.

Continue to Learn.

Appreciate Your Friends.

Do What You Love.

Live… As if this is All There Is……

Twitter, Art, and Building Bridges

OK… so this is a first. I’m writing about a website. Well, a couple actually. This should be interesting.

So, I’m a Chris Pirillo fan. Yep, I’m a hard-core endorser of Pirillo’s Picks, and Chris Pirillo Live. Chris led me to check out www.Twitter.com, which, along with www.Twittermosaic.com, is what I’m writing about.

What is Twitter.com? You mean you don’t know? OMG! Where the hell have you been?

Twitter is: “A global community of friends and strangers answering one simple question: What are you doing?” You can answer on your phone, IM, or right here on the web!”

Yep, it’s that simple… what are you doing? right now? wherever you are …

It’s the craziest thing. It’s like “express blogging”. More than that, people will start following what you have to say. Now that REALLY blew me away. I’ve been on just a couple months, I’ve posted 1,800 lines of… “express blogs”, one-liners, comments, observations… you name it, I think I’ve probably touched on it. I’m up to 63 followers. People follow my meandering on the web, on their IM’s, on their phones. Of course, for the most part, I follow them back. The thing is, when someone adds me, I take a look at their profiles, and most of the time, they sound a lot like me… or at the very least, they sound like someone I would want to be freinds with. There are some very interesting individuals on there.

That would lead me to twittermosaic.com.

One day I get this new follower, named twitter_mosaics. I check out his bio and “twits”… seems interesting enough, so I add him. One day, he posts a link to a site called twittermosaic.com. I check it out, and am amazed to find the most amazing artistic renderings! Actual mosaics… not just plain mosaics, but beautiful artwork mosaics compiled of nothing but the icons of his twitter followers. I was really knocked over when I got to checking them out and found myself in one of the mosaics! (see Cactus followers)

This week, I was humbled and delighted to find myself in yet another of his fantastic renderings called “Blue Marble, Negative” ( See The Blue Marble, Negative)

It makes me feel like I’m part of history, in some way. Not only that, but as I scan through the icons, I find other Twitter friends there too. It’s almost like a snapshot in time. Twitter asks “what are you doing”, and www.twittermosaic.com answers with “these guys were twittering”. It’s a really, really cool thing to look at something that is outside, and larger, than yourself.

As for building bridges….

ok, so I mentioned “followers” and “following” in return. While I’m certainly not going to “name name’s” here, I have to say that I’m making some really good freinds on Twitter. Sure, they started out as “interesting folks”, but some of them are so much more than that. I’m making friends with people all over the globe. From housewives, to CEO’s…. we are all just people. Somehow, we find in each other that “one thing” that connects us. That’s all it takes… and the next thing you know, you find one more thing… then another, and another… and soon enough you aren’t just Twittering to the masses… you are sending direct messages… or you are looking forward to checking Twitter periodically just to see what your “freinds” had to say that day. Just like the things I write, some people make observations, some ask questions, some just say what they did for lunch, or what their dinner plans are. Some people make statements, some people make wishes, and some people make no sense whatsoever at times. The bottom line is, that eventually, you feel like you are part of something. You are part of that “global community” Twitter told you about on the welcome page. It’s a nice feeling.

I’m already making plans to see a new friend in person during my next trip to California. She ’s a really cool lady, and then I found out she makes her own glass beads, which has been an interest of mine as well. I’m going to check out her studio, and take a lesson or two from her while there. Just another bridge I built… from Arkansas to California…. and I built it on Twitter.com.

So check it out. … and if you want to check me out, you’ll find me there as twila_zoned. Throw me a “Twit” sometime!

http://twitter.com/twila_zoned