Geography of the Sexes

September 23, 2009

Geography Of A Woman


Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!


Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.


Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.


Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.


Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious  and all conquering past.


Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn’t make the same mistakes twice; takes care of business.


Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.


After 70, she becomes Tibet.  Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages…. she has an adventurous spirit and still has a thirst for knowledge, especially spiritual knowledge.


GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN


Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.


THE END


Mexican Words of the Day

September 23, 2009

1. *Cheese*   The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies:   Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

2. *Mushroom*  When all my family get in the car, there’s not mushroom

3. *Shoulder*   My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn’t  know how to read so I shoulder.

4. * Texas *   My fren always Texas me when I’m not home wondering where I’m at!

5. *Herpes*   Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. *July*     Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum*   I had 2 cars but my amigo rectum!

8. *Chicken*   I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*     We only have one enchilada left, but don’t worry wheelchair

10. *Chicken wing*    My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing

11. *Harassment*   My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her  “honey, harassment nothing to me.”

12. *Bishop*     My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

13. *Body wash*    I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

14. *Budweiser*   That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?


Military Mischief

August 22, 2009

Army Humor

THANK GOD THEY CAN STILL MAINTAIN THEIR SENSE OF HUMOR OVER THERE!

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Army Humor

THANK GOD THEY CAN STILL MAINTAIN THEIR SENSE OF HUMOR OVER THERE!

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How Things Are Done In The South!

May 7, 2009

Yep, looks like one of my family members got buck ass wild with the camera again….


25 On the Lighter Side

February 13, 2009

This is NOT another meme (esp since I said the last one would BE the last one), however, looking back over it now I realize it’s heavy on the serious side. So these 25 things about me will show the not-so-serious side.

1.  When I was very young I studied tap dancing, baton, and piano, but was never more than average at any of them.

2.  I wanted to be the first female Blue Angel (Navy Pilot), the first female NASCAR driver, and a few other female “firsts” but got beat out ever time, damnit!

3.  I’m the worst klutz on the planet. I broke my ankle just walking across a concrete floor, established the premise that I do NOT chew gum and walk at the same time.

4.  I slipped off the edge of an extremely high waterfall coming out of a cavern. I thought I was fubar, but turned out it was like going down a giant slip-n-slide. Played there the rest of the day.

5.  I should be dead. I should have  been hit head on in the middle of that bridge by the 18 wheeler that came out of the fog 10 foot in front of me. I knew I was about to die, and I closed my eyes, gripped the wheel, and wondered how badly it would hurt. When the hit never came, and I opened my eyes and was somehow “moved”… car and all… out of the way… cuh-ray-zee.

6.  With enough coffee and chocolate I could rule the world.

7.  I believe in performing random acts of kindness just because I can. I like to catch people off guard and make them smile.

8.  I’m a cat person, but have a mini puppy at the moment. Odd…

9.  I’ve been dying my hair since the age of 18. Why? You remember Lilly Munster, or the mom at the end of Poltergeist? Yeah, these silver shocks of hair coming from the temples. UUGH!

10.  I’m a hockey fanatic, but only for live games.

11.  When I was 7, all I wanted for XMAS was a 3 story Barbie townhouse. What I got was a telescope and a microscope. Real ones, not toys. I’ve never been without a telescope since.

12.  I camp out in the darkest fields on the darkest night to watch every visible meteor shower. The sky appears like black velvet with a million glistening diamonds strewn up it, and I make a hundred wishes on a hundred shooting stars….

13.  I am a good swimmer, but afraid of the water if I enter it “unexpectedly” which is why I don’t ski. With my over-active imagination, Michael Myers or Jason Vorhees are lurking beneath the surface, ready to grab me and pull me under.

14.  Aside from the normal pets (dogs n cats) I’ve had a ferret, a skunk, and a vietnamese pot-bellied pig for pets.

15.  I create stained glass pieces, mosaics, and other nifty crafty things.

16.  I’m great at antique restoration and interior remodeling.

17.  I can work with lumber and power tools as well as any damned man. Same goes for most car repairs. My daddy taught me well.

18.  My daddy also taught me how to shoot almost every type of firearm better than most men I know.

19.  I love love LOVE the mountains. Climbing, hiking, river rafting, cave exploring… I love the beauty of nature… and the peace it brings when you leave the house/job/hassles behind for just a while.

20.  My “to do before I turn 30” list included para-sailing and repelling. I still haven’t had the chance to do either one, but still hope to someday.

21.  I’ve been a rock collector since I was about 5 and my daddy gave me a hammer and had me bust open my first rock… so plain on the outside, such beauty inside. Even have my own rock tumbler/polisher.

22.  I am an avid hunter of prehistoric fossils , arrowheads and other native American artifacts. Where I live was once covered by an ancient ocean millions of years ago, and plenty of evidence left behind.

23.  Some of my “friends in high places” head up a few of the states paranormal research agencies, and yes, I’m also a ghost hunter.

24.  I would give almost anything to be able to fully explore the likes of Pompeii, Herculaneum, a lost temple in Peru, or ancient ruins anywhere…

25.  I will always see the world through rose colored glasses. The glass will always be half full, and the possibilities endless. I will probably always see people for more than they are… knowing that if they could look in a mirror and see themselves the way I see them, they would have as much faith in themselves as I have in them.


25 Things about me (and the last meme I will EVER do}

February 13, 2009

Now, very seldom do I do these memes, however, because I was tagged by a few people I truly adore, I decided to do this one last time. And it WILL be the last!

When I read through the 25 things my friends had written, I was amazed to learn so much about them. They didn’t add “fillers or “fluff”, and seemed to me they really shared parts of themselves, and I must say, I was pleased to learn so much about them that I didn’t have a clue about. So, with that, I will try to be as equally forthcoming.

**Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.

1. My given name at birth was Jean-Marie Josephine, but I was adopted and my name was changed to Twila Marie.

2. I was adopted by my birth aunt/uncle, and the result is not a family tree, but a crazy ass vine. My birth mother became my cousin, my grandfather became my uncle, and my uncle became my dad.

3. When I was a baby, I had pneumonia so bad I almost died, and it weakened my lungs, I have asthma and I’ve had a lung to collapse “just ‘cause”, and yet I smoke. (but really DO want to quit).

4. I attended Catholic school even though I’ve never been catholic, and have attended private Baptist and Non-Denom Christian Academies.

5. I have been going to college off and on since 1987 (times off for marriage, a kid, divorce, work, life in gen) and still don’t have a degree. I’ve changed my major three times, and even though I’m a senior at ASU and like what I’m going for, it’s still NOT what I want to do.

6. What DO I want to do? What I’ve always wanted to do… archeology. It’s my passion. When my mother was alive she wouldn’t hear of it. I should have changed it the day after she died. I thought about it, but felt the guilt reaching from the grave.

7. When I was 13 (1980) my sis was married to an ex NASA man (Apollo 11) and he was a leader in computer tech back then, resulting in my first pc, the Tandy TRS 80. This started my love of tech.

8. When I was 16 I went to live with sis in SC and audited summer classes at the college where the bro-in-law taught. There he taught me robotics, and I had one named “HERO” that I was responsible for programming and demonstrating at events. Tech geek status engrained forever.

9. I met the first person I ever truly loved then, and ended up breaking his heart, and I’ve never forgiven myself for it.

10. I was paid back for hurting him by falling in love again, and losing him. I came back to Ark to visit my parents for Christmas, and he died while I was gone. Heart murmur. I never went back to SC after that.

11. When I was 19 we found out dad had lung cancer. Promising I would not let him go to a nursing home, I dropped out of college (the 1st time) to care for him. The doc gave him 3-6 months, he lived over a year.

12. When my father could no longer bear the pain of the cancer (it had paralyzed one side of his body), he took out a snub-nosed 38 and shot himself in the forehead. I was in the next room with my mother when he did it. I was 20 yrs old.

13. My mother made it through the funeral, but collapsed that same night while walking through the kitchen. She simply…shut down… and never came back to me. I spent the next year taking care of her, still keeping my promise to my dad. She died 13 months after my father did… of a broken heart.

14. I always wanted a marriage like my parents had. True love. I never once saw them have an argument. When I was 18 I told my mother this, and she just laughed and laughed, and said “well of course we had disagreements, and even a few arguments…we just never had them in front of YOU”.

15. Between the deaths of my father and mother, I married the man who would become my son’s father. Everyone kept telling me it was the thing to do. He would HELP me. As soon as he HELPED me spend my inheritance, he was gone.

16. I married my 2nd husband after living with him for 3 years. Within a week of marriage he hit me for the first time, and told me that since I was now his wife, I had no right to my own opinions because everything I did reflected on him, so he was God.

17. It didn’t take but a few beatings for me to say “I want a divorce”. His answer was shoving a sawed off shotgun into my chest and telling me “You will never leave me, and I will never leave you! I will kill you first, and then myself, and you’ll be buried next to me, and spend all of eternity in Hell with me, but you will NEVER be rid of me”

18. My son’s grandfather was chief of police at the time. The next beating and a call to him ensured I WOULD be rid of him, and I was.

19. I was left with no money (wasn’t allowed to work) and no car, and all the bills with a child to care for. I turned to meth, and it paid the bills.

20. Until my cousin got busted for drugs, and he set me up to save himself. I went to prison for 2 ½ years, losing my child, my parents home…everything.

21. When I got out of prison, I had nothing but the $100 check they give you when you leave. I didn’t even have clothes, and had to wear my prison uniform into my local bank to cash the check. That was 10 years ago.

22. I got out, got a job, got my son back, worked days and went to college nights. I met a man in my church I thought was the answer to my prayers. After living with him OVER A YEAR, I found out he was a registered sex offender in another state. So yeah, that ended about 4 years ago.

23. I still want what my parents had, but I don’t believe it exists in this world anymore, and even if it did, I doubt I would ever again believe in a man enough to find out,

24. I’m still single, still raising my son, still working, and still going to college when I can. I barely make ends meet, but I’m doing it on my own terms, and I can live with that.

25. I still believe in goodness, kindness, compassion, honesty, laughter, and doing whatever I can to help others, and to make them smile and laugh. It is a driving force, really… because I know how much life can hurt… and I know how much a simple kindness can take so much of the pain away.

**To pass this on, && go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app, then click post.)


Someone wrote a song about ME? Hot Damn!

November 22, 2008

Apparently Anthony Smith set my bio to music, so you know I just HAD to share…


Changing Lanes on the Road Called “Life”

October 24, 2008
Did a traumatic experience transform your life for the better?

Have you suffered from the pain of an illness, divorce, loss of a job or loved one — but came out of the experience stronger, wiser, and more in touch with your purpose and passion in life?

Did you feel as though your life was at rock bottom but now you have risen from the ashes a much stronger person from that experience?

For me, it was prison. I live in a small rural town , and after having  my ex husband arrested for beating on me, I found myself uneducated, and unemployed   I turned to dealing meth to feed my child and pay my bills. It was extremely lucrative,  and for two years I “wanted for nothing”. I tried several times to quit dealing… to get a “real job”, but I couldn’t survive on the little income that gave me. Eventually, I was arrested, and served two years in prison. I lost my son, my home… everything. When I got out, I had NOTHING, even having to wear my prison clothes home, and to the bank to cash the $100 check they give you upon release. It changed my life. I remember laying in that cold, hard bunk thinking it would have been better to live with a blanket on a sandbar than to be there. I got out, took the first job I could get, applied to college, and set a different path.

It took me two years to get my son back, and I’m a senior in college now. I have a wall full of academic awards and news articles… among them… my arrest and conviction clippings.  I’ve talked to churches,  a criminology class, and to other groups about  where I had been, and how far I’ve come, and how people CAN change. I’m stronger, more confident, and have more faith than I ever thought imaginable.

My passion? Helping people be MORE than they (or others) think they can be.  People CAN change their lives. There IS a way out, and allow ANYONE to make them feel they are less than incredible.  They just have to believe, and sometimes that starts with someone else believing in THEM. I remind them that while no one ever said it would be easy, I can tell them, it is worth it.


How To Pick A Wife

July 26, 2008

The first man married a woman from Mississippi and told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Oklahoma . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Arkansas . He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the
dishwasher.


THINGS I HAVE LEARNED FROM LIVING IN ARKANSAS

May 13, 2008

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in Arkansas.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Arkansas plus a couple no one’s seen before.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.

People actually grow and eat okra.

“Fixinto” is one word.


There is no such thing as “lunch.” There is only dinner and then there is supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you’re two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!

Backards and forwards means “I know everything about you.”

DJeet? Is actually a phrase meaning “Did you eat?”

You don’t have to wear a watch because it doesn¢t matter what time it is.

You work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.

You don’t PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

You measure distance in minutes.

You’ve ever had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.

“Fix” is a verb. Example: “I’m fixing to go to the store.”

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

You know what a “DAWG” is.

You carry jumper cables in your car . . . For your OWN car.


There are only four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

The first day of deer season is a national holiday.

100 degrees Fahrenheit “a little warm.”

We have four seasons: Almost Summer, summer, still summer and Christmas.

Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as “goin’ Wal-martin” or off to “Wally World.”


A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.

A carbonated soft drink isn’t a soda, cola or pop . . . it’s a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: “What kinda coke you want?”

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

We don’t need no stinking driver’s Ed . . . If our mama says we can drive, we can drive.

EVERYONE can’t be an Arkansan; you gotta be brave to live here!