I have NO understanding

I am a good, honest, loyal, faithful person, to my freinds, and in my relationships. I have spent my life wanting to see smiles, and hear laughter from all those around me, and trying to make sure they had plenty of both.  I deserve better than this.

I met Steve online, two years ago. Yes, we’ve been together in real life too. He lives in Wisconsin and I live in Arkansas, but we were together, and were planning our lives together. I was to move there next May after I graduated college, because at 40, I wouldn’t put it off, and couldn’t afford out of state tuition, and Wisconsin was where we all (my son included) wanted to be.

I got up yesterday to offlines from him declaring his love and how much he missed me, only to see him online at yahoo with a status message declaring his love for “Tammy”, and how “good” she loved him in return.

Today he kept writing to me, telling me “the only reason in my stupid head we aren’t married is your not next to me………….”

and so…what? that gave him a reason to cheat? or fall in love, or whatever…and to announce it publicly without so much as a word to me?

He kept telling me he was wrong, and he was sorry, yet at the same time it was MY FAULT because i wasn’t there with him, yet it was always I who went THERE. He never once came here. I always put in all the effort.

I wasn’t looking for love when I met him. It just happened. Formed from an online friendship into something almost tangible. He broke down barriers of trust that I didn’t think could EVER be broken… and I trusted him completely. Everything I did, even from a 1,000 miles away, had him, and our future in mind. Even my 16 yr old son is crazy about him, and was so looking forward to us being a family. I don’t even know what to tell him now.

I deserve better than this. I deserve to be loved, completely, honestly, and faithfully. I deserve to be adored, because I adore those who love me…  freinds, family, and otherwise.

I will NOT let this break me. I am stronger than this. I am more than THIS.

Someday, someone is gonna love me the way I deserve, and I am going to love them even stronger, harder, better than they ever DREAMED they could be loved.

Just you hide and WATCH!


15 Responses to I have NO understanding

  1. Cindy says:

    I’m so sorry about this, Twila. I recently went through a bad relationship with some SOB that played me the whole time. I’m definitely here for you. *hugs*

  2. Rachel says:

    All of us have been lied to. I know how much that hurts. My husband left my son and I back in 2001 for another woman. There is no easy way to heal. Just keep your head up and know there are better men out there. You can do much better than Steve.

  3. Soren says:

    I have not known you very long, but it is long enough to be absolutely confident that everything that you say about yourself is true, and that you are more than deserving of nothing short of the best.

    I also know that if you continue to be the amazing person I have had the pleasure of knowing… it will happen.

    I really hope this unfortunate chapter of your life passes quickly, having been there (kind of) myself, it is no fun. But, as they say… this too shall pass 🙂

  4. LillyAnn says:

    You go girl! Check my Plurk posts to you when you have a chance 😉


  5. [ c h a o t i x ] says:

    Guy like that make me sick. I’m truly am sorry this happen to such an amazing person.
    but I know that your a strong person , and I hope that you do find some that will treat you the way that you deserve to be treated.


  6. T.M.M. says:


    I just adore YOU guys! Thanks so much for being my freinds!

    *Huggz n Luvin’s*

  7. Heidi Cool says:

    I’m so sorry to hear that. You absolutely deserve better and I’m sure you’ll find it. He must have had some good qualities to win your heart in the first place, but apparently is far too self-centered to have kept a good thing. To make such comments about Tammy so publicly is just selfish and cruel. To then try to foist the blame on you, when you did all the traveling and made the effort simply shows his complete lack of self-awareness.

    You will do better. Best wishes to you and your son.

  8. T.M.M. says:

    Thanks Heidi! and yes, he does have some amazing qualities. I guess the distance was just more than he could handle. It hurts, but I do wish him love and happiness.

  9. Ken Stewart says:

    Twila, people often define themselves by their adversities. However, it makes it no easier to deal with them, as you are now experiencing first hand. You are feeling the hurt for you and for your son, a testament to your capacity for love.

    There is no greater wound in life than betrayal, deceit, and the shattering of trust.

    There is a myriad of wonderful and simultaneously cheesy things to say. I will spare you, but you have my address if you need to chat. Take care.


  10. d3bruts1d says:

    Once again, I’m sorry that this happened to you. We just met a few days ago via Plurk, and while there are a lot of cool people there, you really stand out. I can’t believe he’d be such an ass and do all of this.

    We’re all here for ya! ❤

  11. Justene says:

    My girl…my baby…what can I say that we haven’t already discussed…I am here…100%. It is never cut and dried…I love you and stand with you through thick and thin….always.

  12. T.M.M. says:

    Thanks everyone…. you are my strength. How could I not stand, with so many wonderful shoulders to lean on? You are ALL special blessings…

  13. Cindy says:

    Don’t hesitate to talk to me, Twila. *hugs*

  14. You know my thoughts on this. Stay strong soul sister. BLOOD TEAR.

  15. Twila,
    I’m so sorry. That sucks! You deserve so much better than that. And don’t let him try and play the pity card. There are no excuses for hurting you that way without so much as a word.

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