Students/Professors… Lies and Evolution

October 6, 2007


Top 10 Lies Told By College Students

10. It doesn’t bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street.

9. I’d be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.


8. My work has a lot of practical importance.


7. I would never date an undergraduate.


6. Your latest article was so inspiring.


5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.


4. I just have one more book to read and then I’ll start writing.


3. The department is giving me so much support.


2. My job prospects look really good.


1. No really, I’ll be out of here in only two more years.




Success in academia is hypothesized to require specific phenotypes. In order to understand how such unusual traits arise, we used human clones to identify the molecular events that occur during the transition from a graduate student to professor. A pool of graduate student clones was subjected to several rounds of random mutagenesis followed by selection on minimal money media in the absence of dental insurance.Students surviving this selection were further screened for the ability to work long hours with vending machine snacks as a sole carbon source; clones satisfying these requirements were dubbed “post-docs”. In order to identify assistant professors from amongst the post-docs, this pool was further mutagenized, and screened for the ability to turn esoteric results into a 50 minute seminar.

Finally, these assistant professors were evaluated for their potential to become full professors in two ways: first, they were screened for overproduction and surface display of stress proteins such as Hsp70. Assistant professors that displayed such proteins (so-called “stressed-out” mutants) were then fused to the M13 coat protein, displayed on phages and passed over a friend and family members column, to identify those that were incapable of functional interactions. These were called full professors.

Although these mutants arose independently, they shared striking phenotypes. These included the propensity to talk incessantly about their own research, the inability to accurately judge the time required to complete bench work, and the belief that all their ideas constituted good thesis projects. The linkage of all these traits suggests that these phenotypes are coordinately regulated. Preliminary experiments have identified a putative global regulator. Studies are currently being conducted to determine if overexpression of this gene product in post-docs and grad students can speed up the grad student-full professor evolutionary process.


The present paper, titled “Direct Evolution of a Full Professor” is a fascinating document, well worth publication. However, the authors fail to note several topics sure to be of interest to the Journal’s readers. For example, it is a well-documented phenomenon that transition to industry can occur at any point along the evolutionary pathway. The authors fail to comment on the possible mechanisms behind such versatility. Plasmid-borne resistance genes encoding a tropism for rich media have been postulated to fulfill this function. In support of this hypothesis, it may be noted that previous researchers who attempted to isolate this plasmid quickly underwent transition and never published their findings.

Thank you to Jenifer Ramsey, grad student at HSU, for this one. In turn, she received from Sarah Gerkin, Darline Marine Center, University of Maine.
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