Geography Of A Woman
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like , has been through war, doesn’t make the same mistakes twice; takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages…. she has an adventurous spirit and still has a thirst for knowledge, especially spiritual knowledge.
GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 80, a man is like , ruled by nuts.
1. *Cheese* The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.
2. *Mushroom* When all my family get in the car, there’s not mushroom
3. *Shoulder* My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn’t know how to read so I shoulder.
4. * Texas * My fren always Texas me when I’m not home wondering where I’m at!
5. *Herpes* Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
6. *July* Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
7. *Rectum* I had 2 cars but my amigo rectum!
8. *Chicken* I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
9. *Wheelchair* We only have one enchilada left, but don’t worry wheelchair
10. *Chicken wing* My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing
11. *Harassment* My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her “honey, harassment nothing to me.”
12. *Bishop* My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
13. *Body wash* I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
14. *Budweiser* That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?
The only completely consistent people are the dead.
Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it’s a pretty good empty experience.
Anything is good if it’s made of chocolate.
I believe in getting into hot water… it keeps you clean.
Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won’t have a leg to stand on.
Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
Since it’s the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
The second mouse gets the cheese.
When every thing’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Sex is like air. Only becomes really important when you aren’t getting any.
Don’t aspire to become irreplaceable.If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
Remember, no one is listening until you fart.
Never forget that you are unique, like everybody else.
Never test the depth of water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares whatever you are dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
If at first you don’t succeed, avoid skydiving.
Give a man a fish and will eat for a day.teach him how to fish, and he will sit on a boat and drink beer all day.
If you tell the truth,you don’t have to remember anything.
Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreens.
Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgments.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry and we get smacked on our ass. From then on in life gets worse.
You’ve worn the finish off your coffee table.
All your kids are named Joe.
Chuck Yeager thinks you need to calm down.
Instant coffee takes too long.
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
People can test their batteries in your ears.
People get dizzy just watching you.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.
The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.
When someone asks ‘how are you’ you say, ‘good to the last drop’.
You buy milk by the barrel.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
You can’t even remember your second cup.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
You chew on other people’s fingernails.
You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
You don’t get mad, you get steamed.
You don’t need a hammer to pound in nails.
You don’t sweat, you percolate.
You don’t tan, you roast.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You have a conniption over spilled milk.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You introduce your spouse as your coffee mate.
You just completed another sweater and you don’t know how to knit.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
You name your cats Cream and Sugar.
You short out motion detectors.
You ski uphill.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
You speed-walk in your sleep.
You spend every vacation visiting Maxwell House.
You think being called a drip is a compliment.
You think CPR stands for Coffee Provides Resuscitation.
You’d be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
Your life’s goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet & Low.
Your taste buds are so numb; you could drink your lava lamp.
Your Thermos is on wheels.
You’re so wired, you pick up AM radio.
You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
• I learned that if the house you are living in tells you to “GO AWAY,” do it. Now.
• If you’re a virgin, stay that way.
• If a killer with a knife is chasing you around the house, do NOT go upstairs. Go out the front door, you idiot!
• For God’s sake, turn on the lights.
• Never split up.
• Never stoop over to see if the killer is dead. He’s not.
• Never get naked in front of a window.
• Avoid the following geographical locations: Amityville, Elm Street, Crystal Lake, Transylvania, many islands, lover’s lanes, most secluded mountain resorts and all small towns in the state of Maine.
• Never pick up hitchhikers.
• If a small town off the highway is deserted, it’s probably for a very good reason.
• If your speedometer suddenly starts turning backward, trade the car. Now.
• Never dig up strange-looking objects in the woods.
• Never bury pets or loved ones in old Native American burial grounds, because they aaaalways come back…. Muahahaha!
• As a general rule, don’t try to solve puzzles that open doorways to Hell.
• Find out what your parents were up to when they were younger. You never know if they burned up a serial killer, had a mysterious “other child,” are not your real parents, or opened up a doorway to Hell.
• Ask yourself seriously, “Do I really want to float?”
• If there is a knock on the door in the middle of the night, but no one appears at the peephole, do NOT open the door and step outside to see who’s there.
• Never turn your back to a door. Ever.
• Never assume it’s your naked boyfriend/girlfriend under the sheet.
• Never mess with DNA. For any reason.
• No sex in graveyards.
• Keep your car filled with gas, tuned up, and for God’s sake keep your keys with you!
• On Halloween, there is no such thing as “coincidence.”
• Never stay overnight in the old house at the end of town that’s supposed to be haunted. Let them think you’re chicken. Even if the prize is one million dollars. It’s not worth it.
• Pig’s blood does not make for a good practical joke.
• The guy conducting an “insomnia study” in the spookiest old mansion in town that no one will approach after dark is not telling you the truth.
• Watch out for the guy with an accent purchasing the abbey next door who works the night shift.
• If you’re alone in the house and something calls out your name, leave immediately through the nearest exit. If there is no exit, make one.
• When you’ve shot the monster six times to no effect, don’t bother throwing the gun at it. It will do you no good.
• Do not answer distress calls from deserted planets that never see daylight.
• Don’t touch the TV that calls your name.
• When the power goes out, do not go into the basement armed only with a candle to see if the fuse is out.
• Reasons to consider moving out of that great house that was such a bargain: bleeding walls, disembodied voices, too many flies, a room in the basement painted red that wasn’t on the blueprints, phone service that seems to come and go, windows that look like eyes, finding out horrible murders were committed in the house, secret passages behind the bookcases, all your neighbors loooove to cook. clean and do housework.
• In fact, when these things start happening, just set fire to the house. It always ends that way anyway and you’ll save time.
• There is no good reason why anyone’s eyes should glow red.
• The crank caller breathing heavily into the phone is already in your house.
• Children speaking in deep, scary voices should be listened to.
• There IS a boogeyman.
• If a kid says, “I see dead people,” believe him.
• If you just ripped your phone out of the wall and it rings anyway, DON’T ANSWER IT!
• Clothing to avoid: capes, high heels, ancient amulets you don’t understand.
• Never break quarantine.
• People wearing hockey masks, ski masks or any Halloween costume that covers the face should be avoided.
• The crazy old guy everybody laughs at knows what he’s talking about.
• Leprechauns really don’t want to grant you three wishes.
• Elevators going up and down by themselves have something wrong with them that a maintenance man can’t fix.
• Do not attempt to kill your spouse for her inheritance/life insurance/to marry your secretary. You will not get the results you seek.
• Reasons you are probably toast: you’re a mayor, sheriff, high school principal or some other person of authority who doesn’t believe in the monster; a lawyer, politician, CEO of a polluting corporation or similar sleazeball; a cop, doctor or similar adult trying to help the kids; you are obsessed with sex and/or drugs; your boobs are bigger than your brain; your name does not appear among the first three in the credits.
• Never open the locked door.
• Don’t go in the water.
• Pay attention to dogs, cats, horses and other more intelligent creatures. If they’re nervous, scram.
• When using a matter transporter, triple-check the pod for flies.
• Don’t mess with the gypsies.
• Never repeat any names while staring into the bathroom mirror.
• Skip the shortcut.
• Never take anything from a clown in a sewer.
• If the price of that really neat knickknack includes “a favor,” you don’t want it.
• You won’t be right back.
• Don’t pick on the miserable geek or the ugly, unpopular girl. You’ll get yours.
• The aliens are not friendly.
• No, it’s not your imagination.
•They ARE out to get you and it IS as bad as it seems!
Just to give some more insight into us Southern girls:
North vs. South
Up North: Chapstick in their back pocket and a $20 bill in their front pocket.
Down South: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, powder, mascara (waterproof), concealer, and a fifth of bourbon. Wallet not necessary – that’s what dates are for.
Up north: College football stadiums hold 20,000.
Down south: High school football stadiums hold 20,000
Up North: Snow and Ice.
Down South: Sunny, highs mid-60s, lows in the teens.
Up North: Expect their daughter to understand Sylvia Plath.
Down South: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.
Up North: Male and female alike: woolly sweater or sweatshirt, jeans.
Down South: Male – pressed khakis, oxford shirt, cap with frat logo, Justin Ropers. Female – ankle-length skirt, coordinated cardigan, flat riding boots, oxford.
Up North: Take prospects on sailing trips before they join the law firm.
Down South: Take prospects on fishing trips so they don’t leave for the NFL their senior year.
Up North: Statues of Founding Fathers.
Down South: Statues of Founding Fathers and Heisman Trophy winners.
Up North: Also a physics major.
Down South: Also Miss USA.
Up North: Mario Cuomo
Down South: “Bear” Bryant
Up North: 5 days before the game you can walk into the ticket office on campus and still purchase tickets.
Down South: 5 months before the game you can walk into the ticket office on campus and still be placed on the waiting list for tickets.
FRIDAY CLASSES AFTER A THURSDAY NIGHT GAME
Up North: Students and Teachers are not sure if they are going because they have class on Friday.
Down South: Teachers cancel class on Friday because they don’t want to see the few hungover students that might actually make it to class on Friday.
Up North: An hour or two before game time the university opens the campus for game parking.
Down South: RV’s sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend’s festivities. The real faithful begin arriving on Tuesday.
Up North: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
Down South: every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting Game Day “Live” to get on camera and wave to the idiots from up North who wonder why game day is never broadcast from their campus.
Up North: Raw meat on the grill, beer with a lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
Down South: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by Hootie & the Blowfish, who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off your bottle of bourbon.
GETTING TO THE STADIUM
Up North: You have to ask, “Where’s the stadium?” When you find it you walk right in with no line.
Down South: When you’re near it, you’ll hear it. On game day, it becomes the state’s third largest city.
Up North: Drinks served in a paper cup filled to the top with soda.
Down South: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team’s mascot — filled less than halfway to ensure enough room for bourbon.
WHEN THE NATIONAL ANTHEM IS PLAYED
Up North: Stands are less than half full.
Down South: 100,000+ fans sing along in perfect 3-part harmony.
THE SMELL IN THE AIR AFTER THE FIRST SCORE
Up North: Nothing changes.
Down South: Fireworks with a twist of bourbon.
Up North: “Nice play.”
Down South: “Dammit you slow sumbitch — tackle him and break his legs!!!”
Up North: “My, this is a violent sport.”
Down South: “Dammit you slow sumbitch — tackle him and break his legs!!!”
AFTER THE GAME
Up North: the stadium is empty before the game ends.
Down South: Another rack of ribs on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, planning begins for next year’s party.
25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up” and “break up.”
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”
10. You’re the one calling the police because t&@# kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good shit.”
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friends are pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking “Oh no, what the hell happened?”
26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn’t apply to you and can’t find one to save your sorry old ass. Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends ’cause you know they’ll enjoy it & do the same!
So I asked a few folks to gimmee the best…er…worst…pick-up lines they ever heard (or used), and here are the results. Feel free to add on!
“Baby, I bet you’re just like a Snickers… you could really satisfy!”
“If you were a car door I would slam you all night long.”
“Can I please be your slave tonight?”
“So, what are the chances that we can engage in anything more than just conversation?”
“Baby, I would do more things to you than MacGyver in a “Do-It-Yourself Shop”.”
“I don’t know what you think of me, but I hope it’s X-rated.”
“You’re clothes would sure look good on my floor!”
“You remind me of a championship bass–I don’t know whether to mount you or eat you! ”
“Hi, I’m writing a term paper on the finer things in life. Can I interview you?”
“They say everyone has a star and yours must shine the brightest!”
“Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by you again?”
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I’d like to be holding you tonight”
“Do you have sex with strangers? Then allow me to introduce myself!”
“I’m feeling off today, would you mind turning me on?”
“All those curves and me with no brakes”
“Excuse me…do you have a band aid? I scraped my knees when I fell for you”
“If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I’d be walking in my garden all the time.”
“What do you say we go behind a rock and get a little boulder?”
“Your body must be VISA, because you’re everywhere I want to be.”
“Are you a parking ticket? You got “fine fine fine” written all over you!”
“They say sex is a killer. Want to die happy?”
“Picture this…..you, me a bubble bath and a bottle of champagne”
“Would you meet me in the courtyard at midnight? I’d like to see which is more beautiful, you or the moonlight.”
“I’m a recruiter. Why not come over to my place and be all you can be?”
“You’re so hot you make fire sweat!”
“You may not like me now….but you’re drinking BEER”
“If beauty was crime, you’d be in for life….”
“Wanna go halves on a baby?”
“Hey there, how would you like to wear those clothes to work tomorrow?”
“I love every muscle in your body …..especially mine”
“I couldn’t help but notice I was staring at you….”
“You like Pop Tarts?
Because that’s what we’re having for breakfast tomorrow.”
“Damn girl, you could knock the stuffin’ off an egg McMuffin.”
“HI I AM THE ONE THAT HAS BEEN STALKING YOU FOR THE LAST YEAR AND TRIED TO KILL
YOU 10 TIMES SO GO OUT WITH ME OR DIE.”
“Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you. ”
and even more stupid shit we’ve heard or said…
Excuse me, but I think I dropped something!!! MY JAW!!
If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you.
Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!
Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
Baicarumba…are those real?
Be unique and different, just say yes.
Can I flirt with you?
Damn girl, you have more curves than a race track.
Do you know karate? Cos damn it honey, your body is really kickin.
Excuse me. I’m from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I’m going to have to ask you to assume the position.
Gee, that’s a nice set of legs, what time do they open?
How do you like your eggs in the morning? Scrambled or fertilized?
Just call me milk, I’ll do your body good.
Your body’s name must be Visa, because it’s everywhere I want to be.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.”
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked
Always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
That is what friendship means. Sharing the prejudice of experience.
Give me one friend, just one, who meets The needs of all my varying moods.
My true friends have always given me that supreme proof of devotion, a spontaneous aversion for the man I loved.
Most people enjoy the inferiority of their best friends.
What is a friend? I will tell you it is someone with whom you dare to be yourself.
A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway.
“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.”
“If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we’re apart.. i’ll always be with you.”
“Friends are God’s way of apologizing to us for our families.”
“A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.”
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
“True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.”
“true friendship isn’t about being there when it’s convenient; it’s about being there when it’s not.”
I always felt that the great high privilege, relief and comfort of friendship was that one had to explain nothing.
“Best friends are the ones who can be the farthest away but there the fastest when you call.”
The only thing that lasts longer than a friend’s love is the stupidity that keeps us from knowing any better.
I always felt that the great high privilege, relief and comfort of friendship was that one had to explain nothing.
It is difficult to say who do you the most mischief: enemies with the worst intentions or friends with the best.
Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.
Treat your friends as you do your pictures, and place them in their best light.
A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down.
“No distance of place or lapse of time can lessen the friendship of those who are thoroughly persuaded of each other’s worth.”
No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow.
Sometimes i want to shout to the whole world how lucky i am to have you as my friend but sometimes i want to hush…afraid that somebody might take you away from me.
“Some people go to priests; others to poetry; I to my friends.”
“If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live without you.”
The friendship between a man and a woman which does not lead to marriage or desire for marriage may be a life long experience of the greatest value to themselves and to all their circle of acquaintance and of activity; but for this type of friendship both a rare man and a rare woman are needed. Perhaps it should be added that either the man or the woman thus deeply bound in lifelong friendship who seeks marriage must find a still rarer man or woman to wed, to make such a three cornered comradeship a permanent success.