The stereotypical Arkansas pastime of days gone by. This is what your grandparents did for fun (or at least that’s what the Northerners think).
Don’t try this at home!
Time Required: 60 minutes
1. Get extremely drunk or extremely bored. Moonshine whiskey makes for the best cow tipping experience, but extreme boredom (teenagers with nothing to do) will suffice.
2. Bring friends. Cow tipping is no fun without company!
3. Find a pasture with cows. Everyone knows that everyone in Arkansas has cows so that won’t be hard.
4. Go at night so that you won’t see the cow pies as you step in them…oh yeah, the cows will be asleep too.
5. Find an isolated cow and be sure it’s sleeping.
6. Approach the cow against the wind. If you’ve been stepping in cow pies all night, the cow will smell you for sure if you are upwind of her and will run from the stench.
7. Go for the tip! In a creeping motion, walk toward the cow, place both hands on one of its flanks, and push with a hard, but smooth stroke.
8. RUN far away. The cow will wake up and tell all her friends about your stunt and they will stampede. The farmer won’t be happy either (you don’t want a hiney full of buckshot do you?).
9. Go home to whittle or perhaps brew some more moonshine for your next cow tip!
1. Be sure the ‘cow’ you are trying to tip is not a bull. It is not wise to tip the bulls.
2. Cows evolved to sleep standing up in order to better evade predators, obviously, since they can be tipped so easily, it didn’t work.
3. Don’t try this at home! Cows have feelings too! Leave cow tipping alone to live in your grandparents memories.
Geography Of A Woman
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like , has been through war, doesn’t make the same mistakes twice; takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages…. she has an adventurous spirit and still has a thirst for knowledge, especially spiritual knowledge.
GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 80, a man is like , ruled by nuts.
1. *Cheese* The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.
2. *Mushroom* When all my family get in the car, there’s not mushroom
3. *Shoulder* My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn’t know how to read so I shoulder.
4. * Texas * My fren always Texas me when I’m not home wondering where I’m at!
5. *Herpes* Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
6. *July* Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
7. *Rectum* I had 2 cars but my amigo rectum!
8. *Chicken* I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
9. *Wheelchair* We only have one enchilada left, but don’t worry wheelchair
10. *Chicken wing* My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing
11. *Harassment* My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her “honey, harassment nothing to me.”
12. *Bishop* My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
13. *Body wash* I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
14. *Budweiser* That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?
Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in Arkansas.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Arkansas plus a couple no one’s seen before.
If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
Onced and Twiced are words.
It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.
People actually grow and eat okra.
“Fixinto” is one word.
There is no such thing as “lunch.” There is only dinner and then there is supper.
Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you’re two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!
Backards and forwards means “I know everything about you.”
DJeet? Is actually a phrase meaning “Did you eat?”
You don’t have to wear a watch because it doesn¢t matter what time it is.
You work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.
You don’t PUSH buttons, you MASH them.
You measure distance in minutes.
You’ve ever had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.
“Fix” is a verb. Example: “I’m fixing to go to the store.”
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
You know what a “DAWG” is.
You carry jumper cables in your car . . . For your OWN car.
There are only four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.
The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.
The first day of deer season is a national holiday.
100 degrees Fahrenheit “a little warm.”
We have four seasons: Almost Summer, summer, still summer and Christmas.
Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as “goin’ Wal-martin” or off to “Wally World.”
A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.
A carbonated soft drink isn’t a soda, cola or pop . . . it’s a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: “What kinda coke you want?”
Fried catfish is the other white meat.
We don’t need no stinking driver’s Ed . . . If our mama says we can drive, we can drive.
EVERYONE can’t be an Arkansan; you gotta be brave to live here!
Yes, some of you won’t like this, but i gotta tell you… I DO! I know exactly the kinds of kids (and their moms) this person is talking about . They are evil little hellion children who’s parents let them get away with any and everything at the expense of innocent bystanders. If a a few more people would do a few more things like this, maybe some parents would get a better rein on their kids!!!
“Now, I’m sure many of you have encountered little shits in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little cunts that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it. Okay, here’s the best part. A biter got me today when I was grocery stopping. He broke the fucking skin, too. This was when the gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny sprickle of blood on the little shit’s teeth as he was grinning at me like the little cunt he is. I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming “SHIT! SHIT!.” Now, my good friend, Tom we’ll call him, was there too, and he instantly picked up on it. He started shouting “FUCK! MAYBE HE DIDN’T GET IT! FUCK!”. By now, the kid is scared shitless and starts crying, and instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting pissy at us for yelling at her kid. Here’s the kicker, I look her straight in the eye and say, “Mam, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me and I’m… I’m FUCKING HIV POSITIVE.” And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entire store. The brat knows he just fucked up big time because his mom isn’t defending his ass. She just stares at me wide eyed. I walk away from them, buy my shit from the wide eyed cashier, all the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And, just s we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like the cunt she is. I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob.”
Here are the comments that had been left at the time I read it….
(1 hours ago)
(1 hours ago)
(1 hours ago)
That’s cruel. I know the little biters are annoying as fuck, but that’s just plain cruel.
(1 hours ago)
Holy shit. That’s one way to teach a lesson.
(1 hours ago)
Thats not cruel, i have a 5 month old and she is a little brat, she should be taught a lesson. I love her and she must be a good mannerd kid, otherwise nobody will like her, now thats worse
(53 minutes ago)
(49 minutes ago)
karma cakes anyone?
(36 minutes ago)
Good lord, I should try that out sometime
(30 minutes ago)
what da fuck…ur worse then da litlle cunt tht bit u hahahah
(22 minutes ago)
first question, do you have it. if not that is some funny ass shit and i would have loved to be there. if so, wow that kids life is messed up all because mom ddi not teach him how to be good!
(19 minutes ago)
lol confused? so the kid actually bit you? never heard of this before? but well done 😉
(1 second ago)
OMG! I think I know that kid! I’d call what you did sheer genious! Seriously! I think you may be my new hero!
I was reading something last evening in which someone had made the comment “Carpe Diem”. Personally, I’m not a morning person. I don’t wake up ’til sometime around noon, regardless of whether or not my body is up and moving before then. It doesn’t matter how early i go to bed the night before, or how many hours of sleep I get. I am a nocturnal being. Always have been, always will be. Sure, I go through the motions, because I don’t have much of a choice. If I could have my way, however, mornings wouldn’t start until 2pm, “noon” would be somewhere between 7-9 pm, and midnight would be around 5am. Most everything I enjoy doing, I prefer doing AFTER the sun has gone down.
When I was young, I made my parents crazy when my laughter over some 3am tv show woke them up, knowing I had to be at school a few hours later. Now that I’m older, I hate mornings even more, and wish I could have an caffeinated IV drip that would start working about an hour before time for me to get up. (Especially beneficial on those horrid days when I have early classes and they begin with algebra, calculus, etc….)
Oh wait!…. I had to drop college algebra… due to the fact that my brain simply can’t wrap itself around quadratic expressions at 8 o’clock in the morning.
And as for the IV drip… I have to have a cup of coffee before I go to BED…. so how the hell would THAT make a difference?
I’m still a horrible insomniac. My brain never shuts off, no matter how physically tired I am. Maybe that’s why I’m a CIT major…. always processing…. but who knows….
For those of you who prefer Starlight to sunlight, who would rather look up at a Sea of Black Velvet covered in Diamonds instead of blue “nothing” and cotton balls…. I say too you: