I bet you didn’t know….

April 24, 2007

Did You Know…..?

Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented.
It was ruled “Gentlemen Only…Ladies Forbidden”…and
thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime
time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. (Lucy and
Ricky were only allowed twin beds. Remember?)

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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the
U.S.Treasury.

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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can
hear better.

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Coca-Cola was originally green.

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It is impossible to lick your elbow.

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The State with the highest percentage of people who
walk to work: Alaska

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The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now
get this…)

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The percentage of North America that is wilderness:
38%

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The average cost of raising a medium-size dog to the
age of eleven: $6,400

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The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in
any given hour: 61,000

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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their
hair.

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The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom
Sawyer.

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The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile
National Monuments.

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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a
great king from history:

Spades – King David

Hearts – Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander, the Great

Diamonds – Julius Caesar

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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
(Awesome)

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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has
both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air the person
died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the
horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died
of natural causes.

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Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence
on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of
the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature
wasn’t added until 5 years later.

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Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace

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Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most
popular boat name requested?

A. Obsession

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Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you
have to go until you would find the letter “A”?

A. One thousand

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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield
wipers, and laser printers all have in common?

A. All were invented by women.

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Q. What is the only food that doesn’t spoil?

A. Honey

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Q. Which day are there usually more collect calls than
any other day of the year?

A. Father’s Day

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In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed
frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the
mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on.
Hence the phrase……… “goodnight, sleep tight.”

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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years
ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s
father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead
he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their
calendar was lunar based, this period was called the
honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts..
So in old England , when customers got unruly, the
bartender would yell at them “Mind your pints and
quarts, and settle down.”

It’s where we get the phrase “mind your P’s and Q’s”

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Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a
whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their
ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the
whistle to get some service. “Wet your whistle” is the
phrase inspired by this practice.

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In the 1400’s a law was set forth in England that a
man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no
thicker than his thumb. Hence we have “the rule of
thumb”

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~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

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At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick
their elbow!

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YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when…

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in
years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your
family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next
to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends
and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell
phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in
the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at
the bottom of the screen..

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which
you didn’t even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years
of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn
around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before
getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. 🙂

12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are
going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this
list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there
wasn’t a #9 on this list.

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My Friends “To Do List” for When I Die

January 31, 2007

OK… so most of you know this already, but it never hurts to reiterate, since we were probably drunk when we had the original conversation…

When I die, do NOT bury me, CREAMATE me. I’d prefer a huge funeral pyre blazing on a make-shift wooden raft right around mdnight in the middle of a picturesque lake located in a beautiful valley and surrounded by rugged mountains, and thanks for asking. Yeah, yeah, yeah….. I know… how often did I ever get exactly what I wanted out of life, and why the hell would I possibly expect it to be any different after I’m dead?

Do NOT put me on some somber display and mourn my death. Don’t cry, or try to be quiet with murmurs and whispers in what some call “respect”. If you love me, and know me at all, then you know I’d hate that. Instead, build a bonfire by the afore mentioned lake, party like you’re 21 again, plaster my picture on one of the kegs or coolers, and celebrate my departure. Be happy for me, ’cause i’ll FINALLY be far away from Wynne, with no chance of ever having to return. I’m pretty sure Amanda can supply you with the appropriate photo. She displayed it on her mom’s fridge for YEARS. Try to do it on some private property somewhere, with permission of the owner, of course, so the cops can’t bother you.

For the music, grab my cd case and crank up the volume. Sarah and Steve know my favorites. Hell, Sarah still has my absolute favorite cd, and Steve has copies of my top 50 tunes. LOL! But for the very last song… the epitaph… the eulogy… the final farewell… I want you guys to raise your glasses, flick your bics, smoke a fatty if ya wanna, and play “I’m moving on” by Rascal Flats. It fit me the first day I heard it, it fits me to this day, and it will still fit me when I’m gone. And yes, kimmie, I’d be thrilled for you to lace a hog-leg with my ashes and smoke me up, so I could be with you “forever and ever”. It might just be the sweetest, smoothest smokin’ thing you ever toked on!

Don’t think for a second you have to talk about “the niceties” of my life, or the rougher times I made it through. Instead, tell the stories of the stupidist things you ever remember me doing. Talk about my dumbass ideas, hair-brained schemes, off-beat ideas, and the goofy quirks I had. I once read “you are only as strong as the tables you dance on, the drinks you mix, and the friends you roll with”, so party hard, drink hard, hugg each other hard, and remember that i loved you, and would do anything for you. I’ll be with you always, and you’ll know when I’m there. I’ll be the thought that makes you laugh out loud in the middle of silence . When you trip over your own two feet, or lose sometthing you just sat down in front of you… that would be me fucking with you. When your watching porn and need to suddenly turn down the volume or go to a black screen because someones suddenly walking in unannounced, I’ll be the reason you can’t find the remote, the volume suddenly blairs and the power button is stuck. When you just can’t believe something that stupid happened… I caused it. I’ll also be the tune you find yourself humming, the $20 you didn’t know you had, and the dumb-luck that saved your ass.

So… don’t miss me when i’m gone, ’cause I won’t be!


I Was Wondering…

January 18, 2007

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would the still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?

If I break the laws of Physics do I go to jail?

Will you die if you get scared half to death twice?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, than who is the fool who said, “Quit while you’re ahead”?

Sooner or later doesn’t EVERYONE stop smoking?

Why can’t we make newspapers that don’t smudge?

Why doesn’t onomatopoeia sound like what it is?

If you choke a Smurf what color would it turn?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have a s in it?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation or a murder?

Why does the psychic hotline ask for your credit card number? Shouldn’t they already know it?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone is going to clean them?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

What’s another word for thesaurus?

If you throw your pet cat out the window of your car does it bec0me cat litter?

Why is it called a TV “set” when you only get one?

How did a fool and his money get together?

Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address you turn the radio down?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called a shipment but when you transport something by ship it is called cargo?

If you have an open mind is there a chance your brain might fall out?

If the entire world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Why in a country with freedom of speech are there phone bills?

Why is it that when you tell a person that there are 400 billion stars in the sky and he’ll believe you, tell him a bench is wet and he has to touch it? ,

How do I set my laser printer on stun gun?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Who really took the bite out of the Apple logo?

Why when you say a color a lot does it start to sound really strange?

How many licks does it really take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

If 75% of all accidents occur within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

If the cops arrest a mime do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Isn’t the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?


If it is zero degrees outside today and it is supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

What does Geronimo yell when he jumps out of a plane?


A Few Favorite Quotes

January 18, 2007

Nothing lasts forever… so live it up, drink it down, laugh it off, and avoid the bullshit. But never, EVER, regret, because at one point, everything you did, was exactly what you wanted.

Life is too short. Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness. Laugh when you can, apologize when you should, and let go of what you can’t change.

Love deeply, forgive quickly, take chances, and never regret. Life’s to short to be unhappy.

Always forgive, never forget, learn from your mistakes, but never regret.