Live with Intention.
Walk to the Edge.
Play with Abandon.
Choose No Regret.
Continue to Learn.
Appreciate Your Friends.
Do What You Love.
Live… As if this is All There Is……
The stereotypical Arkansas pastime of days gone by. This is what your grandparents did for fun (or at least that’s what the Northerners think).
Don’t try this at home!
Time Required: 60 minutes
1. Get extremely drunk or extremely bored. Moonshine whiskey makes for the best cow tipping experience, but extreme boredom (teenagers with nothing to do) will suffice.
2. Bring friends. Cow tipping is no fun without company!
3. Find a pasture with cows. Everyone knows that everyone in Arkansas has cows so that won’t be hard.
4. Go at night so that you won’t see the cow pies as you step in them…oh yeah, the cows will be asleep too.
5. Find an isolated cow and be sure it’s sleeping.
6. Approach the cow against the wind. If you’ve been stepping in cow pies all night, the cow will smell you for sure if you are upwind of her and will run from the stench.
7. Go for the tip! In a creeping motion, walk toward the cow, place both hands on one of its flanks, and push with a hard, but smooth stroke.
8. RUN far away. The cow will wake up and tell all her friends about your stunt and they will stampede. The farmer won’t be happy either (you don’t want a hiney full of buckshot do you?).
9. Go home to whittle or perhaps brew some more moonshine for your next cow tip!
1. Be sure the ‘cow’ you are trying to tip is not a bull. It is not wise to tip the bulls.
2. Cows evolved to sleep standing up in order to better evade predators, obviously, since they can be tipped so easily, it didn’t work.
3. Don’t try this at home! Cows have feelings too! Leave cow tipping alone to live in your grandparents memories.
Addled: Confused, disoriented, as in the case of Northern sociologists who try to make sense out of the South, “What’s wrong with that Yankee? He acts right addled.”
Afar: In a state of combustion. “Call the far department. That house is afar.”
Ahr: What we breathe, also a unit of time made up of 60 minutes. “They should’ve been here about an ahr ago.”
Ar: Possessive pronoun. “That’s AR dawg, not yours.”
Ary: Not any. “He hadn’t got ary cent.”
Awfullest: The worst. “That’s the awfullest lie you evr told me in your life.”
Bad-mouth: To disparage or derogate. “All these candidates have bad-mouthed each other so much I’ve about decided not to vote for any of ’em.”
Baws: Your employer. “The baws may not always be right, but he’s always the baws.”
Best: Another baffling Southernism that is usually couched in the negative. “You best not speak to Bob about his car. He just had to spend $300 on it.”
Braht: Dazzing. “Venus is a braht planet.”
Bud: Small feathered crature that flies. “A robin sure is a pretty bud.”
Cawse: Cause, usually preceded in the South by the adjective “lawst” (lost). “The War Between the States was a lawst cawse.”
Cayut: A furry animal much beloved by little girls but detested by adults when it engages in mating rituals in the middle of the night. “Be sure to put the cayut out-side before you go to bed.”
Chunk: To throw. “Chunk it there, Leroy. Ole Leroy sure can chunk ‘at ball, can’t he? Best pitcher we ever had.”
Clone: A type of scent women put on themselves. “what’s that clone you got on, honey?”
Contrary: Obstinate, perverse. “Jim’s a fine boy, but she won’t have nothin’ to do with him. She’s just contrary, is all Ah can figure.”
Daints: A more or less formal event in which members of the opposite sex hold each other and move rhythmically to the sound of music. “You wanna go to the daints with me Saturday night, Bobbie Sue?”
Danjuh: Imminent peril. What John Paul Jones meant when he said, “Give me a fast ship, for I intend to put her in harm’s way.”
Deah: A term of endearment, except in the sense Rhett Butler used it when he said to Scarlett O’Hara, “Frankly, my deah, Ah don’t give a damn.”
Didn’t go to: Did not intend to. “Don’t whip Billy for knockin’ his little sister down. He didn’t go to do it.”
Dollin: Another term of endearment. (darling) “Dollin, will you marry me?”
Dreckly: Soon. “He’ll be along dreckly.”
Effuts: Exertions. “Lee made great effuts to defeat Grant.”
Everthang: All-encompassing. “everthang’s all messed up.”
Everhoo: Another baffling Southernism – a reverse contraction of whoever.”Everhoo one of you kids wants to go to the movie better clean up their room.”
Fahn: Excellent. “That sure is a fahn-lookin’ woman.”
Farn: Anything that is not domestic. “Ah don’t drink no farn liquor, specially Rooshin vodka.”
Fetchin’: Attractive. “That’s a mighty fetchin’ woman. Think I’ll ask her to daints.”
Fixin’ to: About to. “I’m fixin’ to go to the store.”
Foolin’ around: Can mean not doing anything in particular or sex, usually of the extramarital variety. “Sue caught her husband foolin’ around, so she divorced him.”
Fummeer: A place other than one’s present location. “Where do we go fummeer?”
Gawn: Departed. “Bo’s not here. He’s gawn out with somebody else.”
Gone: Going to. “You boys just git out there and play football. We gone make mistakes, but they are, too.”
Got a good notion: A statement of intent. “Ah got a good notion to cut a switch and whale the dickens out of that boy.”
Grain of sense: An appraisal of intelligence, invariably expressed in negative terms. “That boy ain’t got a grain of sense.”
Gummut: A large institution operating out of Washington that consumes taxes at a fearful rate. “Bill’s got it made. He’s got a gummut job.”
Hahr: That which grows on your head and requires cutting periodically. “You need a hahrcut.”
Hod: Not soft, but meaning stubborn or willful when used to describe a Southern child’s head. “That boy’s so hod-headed it’s pitiful.”
Hot: A muscle that pumps blood through the body, but also regarded as the center of emotion. “That gull (girl) has just broke his hot.”
Hush yo’ mouth: An expression of pleased embarrassment, as when a Southern female is paid an extravagant compliment. “Honey, you’re ’bout the sweetest, best-lookin’ woman in Tennessee. Now hush yo’ mouth, Jim Bob.”
Ignert: Ignorant. “Ah’ve figgered out what’s wrong with Congress. Most of ’em are just plain ignert.”
Ill: Angry, testy. “What’s wrong with Molly today? She’s ill as a hornet.”
Innerduce: To make one person acquainted with another. “Lemme innerduce you to my cousin. She’s a little on the heavy side, but she’s got a great personality.”
Iont: I don’t. “Iont know if Ah can eat another bobbycue (barbecue) or not.”
Jack-leg: Self taught, especially in reference to automobile mechanics and clergy-men. “He’s just a jack-leg preacher, but he sure knows how to put out the hellfire and brimstone.”
Jewant: Do you want. “Jewant to go over to the Red Rooster and have a few beers?”
Ka-yun: A sealed cylinder containing food. “If that woman didn’t have a kay-un opener, her family would starve to death.”
Kerosene cat in hell with gasoline drawers on: A colorful Southern expression used as as evaluation of someone’s ability to accomplish something. “He ain’t got no more chance than a kerosene cat in hell with gasoline drawers on.”
Kin: Related to. An Elizabethan expression, one of many which survived in the South. “Are you kin to him?” “Yeah, He’s my brother.”
Klect: To receive money to which one is entitled. “Ah don’t think you’ll ever klect that bill.”
Laht: A source of illumination. “This room’s too doc (dark). We need more laht in here.”
Lar: One who tells untruths. “Not all fishermen are lars. It’s just that a lot of lars fish.”
Layin’ up: Resting or meditating. Or as Southern women usually put it, loafing. “Cecil didn’t go to work today ’cause of a chronic case of laziness. He’s been layin’ up in the house all day, drivin’ me crazy.”
Let alone: Much less. “He can’t even hold a job and support himself, let alone support a family.”
Let out: Dismissed. “What time does school let out?”
Lick and a promise: To do something in a hurried or perfunctory fashion. “We don’t have time to clean this house so it’s spotless. Just give it a lick and a promise.”
Mahty raht: Correct. “You mahty raht about that, Awficer. Guess Ah WAS speedin’ a little bit.”
Make out: Yes, it means that in the South too, but it also means finish your meal. “You chirren (Children) hadn’t had nearly enough to eat. Make out your supper.”
Mind to: To have the intention of doing something. “Ah got a mind to quit my job and just loaf for a while.”
Nawth: Any part of the country outside the South _Midwest, California or whatever.If it’s not South, it’s Nawth. “People from up Nawth sure do talk funny.”
Nekkid: To be unclothed. “Did you see her in that movie? She was nekkid as a jaybird.”
Nemmine: Never mind, but used in the sense of difference. “It don’t make no nemmine to me.”
Of a moanin: Of a morning, meaning in the morning. “My daddy always liked his coffee of a moanin.”
Ownliest: The only one. “That’s the ownliest one Ah’ve got left.”
Parts: Buccaneers who sailed under the dreaded skull and crossbones. “See that third baseman? He just signed a big contrack with the Pittsburg Parts.”
PEEcans: Northerners call them peCONNS for some obscure reason. “Honey, go out in the yard and pick up a passel of PEEcans. Ah’m gonna make us a pie.”
Pert: Perky, full of energy. “You look mighty pert today.”
Pick at: To pester and annoy. “Jimmy, Ah told you not to pick at your little sister.”
Purtiest: The most pretty. “ain’t she the purtiest thing you ever seen?”
Quar: An organized choral group, usually connected with a church or school. “Did you hear the news? The preacher left his wife and run off with the quar director.”
Raffle: A long-barrelled firearm. “Dan’l Boone was a good shot with a raffle.”
Rahtnaow: At once. “Linda Sue, Ah want you to tell that boy it’s time to go home and come in the house rahtnaow.”
Ranch: A tool used to lossen or tighten nuts and bolts. “Hand me that ranch, Homer.”
Raut: A method of getting from one place to another which Southerners pronounce to rhyme with “kraut”. Yankees, for reasons that remain shrouded in mystery, pronounce “route” to rhyme with “root”. Or worse still, “foot.”
Restrunt: A place to eat. “New Yorker’s got a lot of good restrunts.”
Retard: No longer employed. “He’s retard now.”
Sass: Another Elizabethan term derived from the word saucy, meaning to speak in an impertinent manner. “Don’t sass me, young lady. You’re not too old to get a whippin’.”
Shainteer: Indicates the absence of a female. “Is the lady of the house in?” “Nope. Shainteer.”
Shudenoughta: Should not. “You shudenoughta have another drink.”
Spell: An indetermined length of time. “Let’s sit here and rest a spell.”
Stain: The opposite of leaving. “Ah hate this party, and Ah’m not stain much longer.”
Supper: The evening meal Southererners are having while Yankees are having dinner. “What’s for supper, honey?
Take on: To behave in a highly emotional manner. “Don’t take on like that, Brenda Sue. He’s not the only man in Lee County.”
Tal: What you dry off with after you take a share. “Would you bring me a tal, sweetheart?”
Tawt: To instruct. “Don’t pull that cat’s tail. Ah tawt you better’n that.”
Thank: Think. “Ah thank Ah’ll go to a movie tonight.”
That ole dawg won’t hunt no more: That will not work. “You want to borrow $20 when you still owe me fifty? That ole dawg won’t hunt no more.”
Tore up: Distraught, very upset. “His wife just left him, and he’s all tore up about it.”
Uhmewzin: Funny, comical. “Few things are more uhmewzin than a Yankee tryin’ to affect a Southern accent, since they invariably address one person as ‘y’all when any Southern six-year-old knows ‘y’all is always plural because it means ‘all of you.'”
Unbeknownst: Lacking knowledge of. “Unbeknownst to them, he had marked the cards.”
Usta: Used to. “Ah usta live in Savanah.”
Vaymuch: Not a whole lot, when expressed in the negative. “Ah don’t like this ham vaymuch.”
Wahn: What Jesus turned the water into, unless you’re Babdist who is persuaded it was only grape juice. “Could Ah have another glass of that wahn?”
Wars: Slender strands of coated copper that carry power over long distances. “They’re puttin’ telephone wars underground now.”
Wawk: A method of non-polluting travel by foot. “Why don’t we take an old-fashioned wawk?”
Wear out: An expression used to describe a highly-effective method of behavior modification in children. “When Ah get ahold of that boy, Ah’m gonna wear him out.”
Wender: A glass-covered opening in a wawl. “Open that wender, It’s too hot in here.”
Yat: A common greeting in the Irish Channel section of New Orleans. Instead of saying “hey” in lieu of “hello” the way most Southerners do, they say, “Where yat?”
Yew: Not a tree, but a personal pronoun. “Yew wanna shoot some pool?”
Y’heah?: A redundant expression tacked onto the end of sentences by Southerners. “Y’all come back soon, y’heah?”
Yontny: Do you want any. “Yontny more cornbread?”
Yungins: Also spelled younguns, meaning young ones. “Ah want all you yungins in bed in five minutes.”
Zit: Is it. “Zit already midnight, sugar? Tahm sure flies when you’re having fun.”
Taken from “More How To Speak Southern” written by Steve Mitchell
Geography Of A Woman
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like , has been through war, doesn’t make the same mistakes twice; takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages…. she has an adventurous spirit and still has a thirst for knowledge, especially spiritual knowledge.
GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 80, a man is like , ruled by nuts.
1. *Cheese* The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.
2. *Mushroom* When all my family get in the car, there’s not mushroom
3. *Shoulder* My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn’t know how to read so I shoulder.
4. * Texas * My fren always Texas me when I’m not home wondering where I’m at!
5. *Herpes* Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
6. *July* Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
7. *Rectum* I had 2 cars but my amigo rectum!
8. *Chicken* I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
9. *Wheelchair* We only have one enchilada left, but don’t worry wheelchair
10. *Chicken wing* My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing
11. *Harassment* My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her “honey, harassment nothing to me.”
12. *Bishop* My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
13. *Body wash* I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
14. *Budweiser* That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?
THANK GOD THEY CAN STILL MAINTAIN THEIR OVER THERE!
Yep, looks like one of my family members got buck ass wild with the camera again….
1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask “Got enough air in there?”
2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you’re embarrassed when they open themselves.
4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5) MEOW occasionally.
6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: “You’re one of THEM” – and back away slowly
7) SAY -DING at each floor.
8) SAY “I wonder what all these do?” And push all the red buttons.
9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: “I have new socks on.”
11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: “Is that your beeper?”
12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: “This is my personal space.”
14) WHEN there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn’t you.
15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17) HOLD the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say “Hi Greg, How’s your day been?”
18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: “That’s mine!”
19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20) PRETEND you’re a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
21) SWAT at flies that don’t exist.
22) CALL out “Group hug” then enforce it.
You’ve seen them – the signs in front of churches, with a witticism or a pun that made you groan. Here is a list of 15 hilarious Church Signs.