WARNING: Caffeine level not currently therapeutic. Approach at your own risk!
The stereotypical Arkansas pastime of days gone by. This is what your grandparents did for fun (or at least that’s what the Northerners think).
Don’t try this at home!
Time Required: 60 minutes
1. Get extremely drunk or extremely bored. Moonshine whiskey makes for the best cow tipping experience, but extreme boredom (teenagers with nothing to do) will suffice.
2. Bring friends. Cow tipping is no fun without company!
3. Find a pasture with cows. Everyone knows that everyone in Arkansas has cows so that won’t be hard.
4. Go at night so that you won’t see the cow pies as you step in them…oh yeah, the cows will be asleep too.
5. Find an isolated cow and be sure it’s sleeping.
6. Approach the cow against the wind. If you’ve been stepping in cow pies all night, the cow will smell you for sure if you are upwind of her and will run from the stench.
7. Go for the tip! In a creeping motion, walk toward the cow, place both hands on one of its flanks, and push with a hard, but smooth stroke.
8. RUN far away. The cow will wake up and tell all her friends about your stunt and they will stampede. The farmer won’t be happy either (you don’t want a hiney full of buckshot do you?).
9. Go home to whittle or perhaps brew some more moonshine for your next cow tip!
1. Be sure the ‘cow’ you are trying to tip is not a bull. It is not wise to tip the bulls.
2. Cows evolved to sleep standing up in order to better evade predators, obviously, since they can be tipped so easily, it didn’t work.
3. Don’t try this at home! Cows have feelings too! Leave cow tipping alone to live in your grandparents memories.
Geography Of A Woman
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like , has been through war, doesn’t make the same mistakes twice; takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages…. she has an adventurous spirit and still has a thirst for knowledge, especially spiritual knowledge.
GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 80, a man is like , ruled by nuts.
1. *Cheese* The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.
2. *Mushroom* When all my family get in the car, there’s not mushroom
3. *Shoulder* My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn’t know how to read so I shoulder.
4. * Texas * My fren always Texas me when I’m not home wondering where I’m at!
5. *Herpes* Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
6. *July* Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
7. *Rectum* I had 2 cars but my amigo rectum!
8. *Chicken* I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
9. *Wheelchair* We only have one enchilada left, but don’t worry wheelchair
10. *Chicken wing* My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing
11. *Harassment* My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her “honey, harassment nothing to me.”
12. *Bishop* My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
13. *Body wash* I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
14. *Budweiser* That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?
THANK GOD THEY CAN STILL MAINTAIN THEIR OVER THERE!
Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in Arkansas.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Arkansas plus a couple no one’s seen before.
If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
Onced and Twiced are words.
It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.
People actually grow and eat okra.
“Fixinto” is one word.
There is no such thing as “lunch.” There is only dinner and then there is supper.
Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you’re two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!
Backards and forwards means “I know everything about you.”
DJeet? Is actually a phrase meaning “Did you eat?”
You don’t have to wear a watch because it doesn¢t matter what time it is.
You work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.
You don’t PUSH buttons, you MASH them.
You measure distance in minutes.
You’ve ever had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.
“Fix” is a verb. Example: “I’m fixing to go to the store.”
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
You know what a “DAWG” is.
You carry jumper cables in your car . . . For your OWN car.
There are only four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.
The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.
The first day of deer season is a national holiday.
100 degrees Fahrenheit “a little warm.”
We have four seasons: Almost Summer, summer, still summer and Christmas.
Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as “goin’ Wal-martin” or off to “Wally World.”
A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.
A carbonated soft drink isn’t a soda, cola or pop . . . it’s a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: “What kinda coke you want?”
Fried catfish is the other white meat.
We don’t need no stinking driver’s Ed . . . If our mama says we can drive, we can drive.
EVERYONE can’t be an Arkansan; you gotta be brave to live here!