I finally got to say “I’m sorry”

June 4, 2007

It’s been twenty years. Twenty years since I last saw him… spoke to him… hurt him… and said goodbye. Twenty years of regret, of wanting to take back the pain I caused him. He didn’t deserve it. I was a foolish child. He had become a man.

I was only 15 when I met him. After school, I worked the drive through at McDonald’s in Greenville, SC., and he would come everyday, at 4pm, and order two cheeseburgers and a Dr. Pepper. It was the same order, every single time. He was so damned gorgeous, with his wavy mop of golden blond hair, deep blue eyes, and dazzling smile. You could feel the electricity in the air as soon as I opened the little window…feel the heat from it… and sometimes I even thought I could hear it crackle, just a little bit.

One day, I glanced out the window and saw him pulling up to the menu board, and I quickly said “that’ll be two cheeseburgers and a Dr. pepper, right?” He looked so dumbfounded. He finally stammered out a “uh… yeah…” and pulled up to the window slightly red, head tilted to the side, looking like “who the ???”. I met him with his order and a huge smile (reminiscent of the Cheshire Cat, I’m sure). That was the day he asked me out for the first time.

Two years later, we were engaged. He graduated high school and went into the Army as an Infantry Paratrooper for the 82nd Airborne. I went to a Christian Academy in Mississippi for my senior year. It would be a little more than a year before we saw each other again.

I’ll never forget how he looked the first time I saw him again. My God, he was so handsome… but then, he always was. He had changed though. He’d spent time in Honduras, where he broke his leg during a jump. He’d been places and seen so many things, and he was no longer the carefree boy I knew. He’d become a man, and I wasn’t ready for that yet. I was in awe of him, and afraid of him too. I was still a virgin, and had been in a Christian school for girls. I wasn’t ready for the man before me… the man who now touched me differently… kissed me with so much passion… unsettled me completely.

I told him the night before he was to catch his plane that I wanted to break up with him. I don’t even remember the lie I told him… too embarrassed to tell him the truth of it. The next morning, he kissed me just before he boarded the plane, and told me he would always love me. As I watched the plane pull away from the gate… I knew I had made a mistake. I wanted to run out onto the runway… to stop the plane…. to tell him I didn’t mean it…but it was too late.

The airport was an hour and a half from my home. I had decided I would call him as soon as he had time to get home, and beg him to forgive me. When I got home, however… those plans would change. My mother met me at the door. He had called his mother from the plane… she had called mine. My mother tore into me for breaking his heart. She said such hateful things… I couldn’t call him after that. She made me feel like I got what I deserved…. that I wasn’t worthy of him in the first place….and he was better off without me.

It never changed the fact that I always wanted to say “I’m sorry for ever hurting you”. He deserved better. He was a good man. I started trying to find him a few years later, to tell him so. By then, he was out of the service, I was in Arkansas, his family had moved, and I couldn’t find him. I have looked for him for 20 years now. I never stopped looking for him.

Last week, I found him. He is a police officer now, and I found his picture and biography on his P.D.’s website. I just sat there… reading and re-reading his bio over and over. It chronicled his life from the time he was in the army til now. All those years… all the regret… the only person I had purposely hurt in my entire life…there he was. I took out my photos of him… from when we were young… and placed them next to the current photo of him I had before me on the monitor. Yes, it was him. Older of course… the wavy mop of hair was no more… but to me… he looks the same. He has the deep, sparkling blue eyes… the same slightly crooked smile… so I sat… and stared… and remembered.

Last night, I wrote him a letter. Last night, I finally told him I was sorry. Last night, I was able to let go of my one great regret. Last night, I was finally able to make peace with myself, for something I’d done so long ago.

Finally….


Signs You’ve Had Too Much Coffee!

May 25, 2007

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You’ve worn the finish off your coffee table.

All your kids are named Joe.

Chuck Yeager thinks you need to calm down.

Instant coffee takes too long.

Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

People can test their batteries in your ears.

People get dizzy just watching you.

Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.

The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.

When someone asks ‘how are you’ you say, ‘good to the last drop’.

You buy milk by the barrel.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

You can’t even remember your second cup.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

You chew on other people’s fingernails.

You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.

You don’t get mad, you get steamed.

You don’t need a hammer to pound in nails.

You don’t sweat, you percolate.

You don’t tan, you roast.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.

You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You have a conniption over spilled milk.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

You help your dog chase its tail.

You introduce your spouse as your coffee mate.

You just completed another sweater and you don’t know how to knit.

You lick your coffeepot clean.

You name your cats Cream and Sugar.

You short out motion detectors.

You ski uphill.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.

You speed-walk in your sleep.

You spend every vacation visiting Maxwell House.

You think being called a drip is a compliment.

You think CPR stands for Coffee Provides Resuscitation.

You’d be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

Your life’s goal is to amount to a hill of beans.

Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet & Low.

Your taste buds are so numb; you could drink your lava lamp.

Your Thermos is on wheels.

You’re so wired, you pick up AM radio.

You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.


What’s My Age Again?

May 16, 2007

Hike This!Ahh…. more proof that I have not yet grown up. It’s a good thing too, or this past week might have killed me.

When I was young, my dad took me to all kinds of amazing places, and I decided to share a few of my favorite spots with them along the way. Oh boy….. I ain’t as young as I used to be….

Yeah, it was one heck of a trip. We stopped on the way there, and hiked for 5 hours and covered 10 miles up on Petit Jean Mountain. We explored the Rock Cave House, and showed the kids cave paintings and pictures pecked into the stone that dated back to 8000 BC. We didn’t INTEND to hike 10 miles. We unknowingly got onto a trail made for boy scouts. My asthmatic ass made it through, but my thighs may never be the same.

On Sunday, we took mom out to eat, then took her to the botanical gardens in OKC so we could work off what we ate. Then I went to Grandpas and got out the John Deere so I could mow (more like bush-hog) his yard. I got done about 10pm, so I was mowing my headlight, and when I finished we got to swappin “snake stories” in the house. ( I am DEATHLY afraid of snakes). This was prompted by the escapade I had just endured while takin’ care of the mowing biz. I had to mow up a steep incline, where all I could do was pull the tractor forward and back to mow. During a back-up, I thought I saw a snake, and I came up off the seat to see “what the hell!?…” Well, on this tractor, when you get off the seat, it shuts off, as a safety feature. Oh helllllllll nooooooo… When it started boggin’, I threw my ass back down on that seat something HARD, and threw the tractor into high and romped the gas, causing it to pop a wheelie on the way up the hill, which meant having to throw myself OVER the front of the tractor while keeping enough weight on the seat to keep it from dying again.

The kids thought I was playing “tractor rodeo” and simply showing out. While I think it’s great that the kids have that much faith in my tractor driving abilities, it was sooooooo not the case at that moment. It was fear and snake loathing at its finest that prompted my rodeo-oics.

Anyhow, no sooner did we walk out of grandpa’s, did we find a baby rattler right behind the truck. Luckily, we had apparently driven over it and squished in in half. Still, I went from a 39 yr old to a 3 yr old in about .000001 seconds. Sometimes, I am SUCH a girlie girl. God, I hate that.

On the way home we hiked a few more miles up at Devil’s Den, where we did some cave explorations, danced under the Twin Falls, played in Cold Creek, and cooled off in The Devils IceBox. My friend had a panic attack in down in the bowels of the cave over the bats, and while it took us 40 minutes to get down where we were, it took about 8 minutes to get out, with her in the lead. Later, we ran into fresh bear tracks, and pretty much jogged the rest of the way out of the woods.

Oh yeah…. and the snake on the hill? It was nothing but a small green stick. Don’t tell the kids though, I never did….


ABOUT SOUTHERN WOMEN…

April 22, 2007

SOUTHERN WOMEN

Southern women appreciate their natural assets:
Clean skin.
A winning smile.
That unforgettable Southern drawl.

Southern women know their manners:
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Why , no, Billy!”

Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions :
“Y’all come back!”
“Well, bless your heart.”
“Drop by when you can.”
“How’s your Momma?”

Southern women know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity

Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
The beach
The beach

Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August:
Colorful hi-heel sandals
Strapless sun dresses
Iced sweet tea with mint

Southern women know everybody’s first name:
Honey
Darlin’
Shugah

Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind
The Notebook

Southern women know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football

Southern women know their country breakfasts:
Red-eye gravy
Grits
Eggs
Country ham
Mouth-watering home made biscuits with momma’s homemade jelly

Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Chawl’stn,
S’vanah
Foat Wuth
N’awlins
Addlanna

Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform.
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler, of course!

Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the four deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food
Wearing too much makeup in the summer

Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah!

Now…… Shugah, spread this to some girls who were raised in the
South or wish they had been!

If you’re a Northern transplant:
Bless your little heart–fake it. We know you got here as fast
as you could!!!


25 Signs That You Have Grown Up

April 16, 2007

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up” and “break up.”

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”

10. You’re the one calling the police because t&@# kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good shit.”

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friends are pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking “Oh no, what the hell happened?”

Bonus:

26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn’t apply to you and can’t find one to save your sorry old ass. Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends ’cause you know they’ll enjoy it & do the same!