Military Mischief

August 22, 2009

Army Humor

THANK GOD THEY CAN STILL MAINTAIN THEIR SENSE OF HUMOR OVER THERE!

~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~

Army Humor

THANK GOD THEY CAN STILL MAINTAIN THEIR SENSE OF HUMOR OVER THERE!

~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~

Advertisements

Twitter, Art, and Building Bridges

July 8, 2007

Are You a Twitter Ninja?

OK… so this is a first. I’m writing about a website. Well, a couple actually. This should be interesting.

So, I’m a Chris Pirillo fan. Yep, I’m a hard-core endorser of Pirillo’s Picks, and Chris Pirillo Live. Chris led me to check out www.Twitter.com, which, along with www.Twittermosaic.com, is what I’m writing about.

What is Twitter.com? You mean you don’t know? OMG! Where the hell have you been?

Twitter is: “A global community of friends and strangers answering one simple question: What are you doing?” You can answer on your phone, IM, or right here on the web!”

Yep, it’s that simple… what are you doing? right now? wherever you are …

It’s the craziest thing. It’s like “express blogging”. More than that, people will start following what you have to say. Now that REALLY blew me away. I’ve been on just a couple months, I’ve posted 1,800 lines of… “express blogs”, one-liners, comments, observations… you name it, I think I’ve probably touched on it. I’m up to 63 followers. People follow my meandering on the web, on their IM’s, on their phones. Of course, for the most part, I follow them back. The thing is, when someone adds me, I take a look at their profiles, and most of the time, they sound a lot like me… or at the very least, they sound like someone I would want to be freinds with. There are some very interesting individuals on there.

That would lead me to twittermosaic.com.

One day I get this new follower, named twitter_mosaics. I check out his bio and “twits”… seems interesting enough, so I add him. One day, he posts a link to a site called twittermosaic.com. I check it out, and am amazed to find the most amazing artistic renderings! Actual mosaics… not just plain mosaics, but beautiful artwork mosaics compiled of nothing but the icons of his twitter followers. I was really knocked over when I got to checking them out and found myself in one of the mosaics! (see Cactus followers)

This week, I was humbled and delighted to find myself in yet another of his fantastic renderings called “Blue Marble, Negative” ( See The Blue Marble, Negative)

It makes me feel like I’m part of history, in some way. Not only that, but as I scan through the icons, I find other Twitter friends there too. It’s almost like a snapshot in time. Twitter asks “what are you doing”, and http://www.twittermosaic.com answers with “these guys were twittering”. It’s a really, really cool thing to look at something that is outside, and larger, than yourself.

As for building bridges….

ok, so I mentioned “followers” and “following” in return. While I’m certainly not going to “name name’s” here, I have to say that I’m making some really good freinds on Twitter. Sure, they started out as “interesting folks”, but some of them are so much more than that. I’m making friends with people all over the globe. From housewives, to CEO’s…. we are all just people. Somehow, we find in each other that “one thing” that connects us. That’s all it takes… and the next thing you know, you find one more thing… then another, and another… and soon enough you aren’t just Twittering to the masses… you are sending direct messages… or you are looking forward to checking Twitter periodically just to see what your “freinds” had to say that day. Just like the things I write, some people make observations, some ask questions, some just say what they did for lunch, or what their dinner plans are. Some people make statements, some people make wishes, and some people make no sense whatsoever at times. The bottom line is, that eventually, you feel like you are part of something. You are part of that “global community” Twitter told you about on the welcome page. It’s a nice feeling.

I’m already making plans to see a new friend in person during my next trip to California. She ‘s a really cool lady, and then I found out she makes her own glass beads, which has been an interest of mine as well. I’m going to check out her studio, and take a lesson or two from her while there. Just another bridge I built… from Arkansas to California…. and I built it on Twitter.com.

So check it out. … and if you want to check me out, you’ll find me there as twila_zoned. Throw me a “Twit” sometime!

http://twitter.com/twila_zoned


More stuff to ponder…

July 4, 2007

The Truth Will Set You Free

The only completely consistent people are the dead.

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it’s a pretty good empty experience.

Anything is good if it’s made of chocolate.

I believe in getting into hot water… it keeps you clean.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won’t have a leg to stand on.

Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

Since it’s the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

The second mouse gets the cheese.

When every thing’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Sex is like air. Only becomes really important when you aren’t getting any.

Don’t aspire to become irreplaceable.If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

Remember, no one is listening until you fart.

Never forget that you are unique, like everybody else.

Never test the depth of water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares whatever you are dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

If at first you don’t succeed, avoid skydiving.

Give a man a fish and will eat for a day.teach him how to fish, and he will sit on a boat and drink beer all day.

If you tell the truth,you don’t have to remember anything.

Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreens.

Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgments.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry and we get smacked on our ass. From then on in life gets worse.


What’s My Age Again?

May 16, 2007

Hike This!Ahh…. more proof that I have not yet grown up. It’s a good thing too, or this past week might have killed me.

When I was young, my dad took me to all kinds of amazing places, and I decided to share a few of my favorite spots with them along the way. Oh boy….. I ain’t as young as I used to be….

Yeah, it was one heck of a trip. We stopped on the way there, and hiked for 5 hours and covered 10 miles up on Petit Jean Mountain. We explored the Rock Cave House, and showed the kids cave paintings and pictures pecked into the stone that dated back to 8000 BC. We didn’t INTEND to hike 10 miles. We unknowingly got onto a trail made for boy scouts. My asthmatic ass made it through, but my thighs may never be the same.

On Sunday, we took mom out to eat, then took her to the botanical gardens in OKC so we could work off what we ate. Then I went to Grandpas and got out the John Deere so I could mow (more like bush-hog) his yard. I got done about 10pm, so I was mowing my headlight, and when I finished we got to swappin “snake stories” in the house. ( I am DEATHLY afraid of snakes). This was prompted by the escapade I had just endured while takin’ care of the mowing biz. I had to mow up a steep incline, where all I could do was pull the tractor forward and back to mow. During a back-up, I thought I saw a snake, and I came up off the seat to see “what the hell!?…” Well, on this tractor, when you get off the seat, it shuts off, as a safety feature. Oh helllllllll nooooooo… When it started boggin’, I threw my ass back down on that seat something HARD, and threw the tractor into high and romped the gas, causing it to pop a wheelie on the way up the hill, which meant having to throw myself OVER the front of the tractor while keeping enough weight on the seat to keep it from dying again.

The kids thought I was playing “tractor rodeo” and simply showing out. While I think it’s great that the kids have that much faith in my tractor driving abilities, it was sooooooo not the case at that moment. It was fear and snake loathing at its finest that prompted my rodeo-oics.

Anyhow, no sooner did we walk out of grandpa’s, did we find a baby rattler right behind the truck. Luckily, we had apparently driven over it and squished in in half. Still, I went from a 39 yr old to a 3 yr old in about .000001 seconds. Sometimes, I am SUCH a girlie girl. God, I hate that.

On the way home we hiked a few more miles up at Devil’s Den, where we did some cave explorations, danced under the Twin Falls, played in Cold Creek, and cooled off in The Devils IceBox. My friend had a panic attack in down in the bowels of the cave over the bats, and while it took us 40 minutes to get down where we were, it took about 8 minutes to get out, with her in the lead. Later, we ran into fresh bear tracks, and pretty much jogged the rest of the way out of the woods.

Oh yeah…. and the snake on the hill? It was nothing but a small green stick. Don’t tell the kids though, I never did….


101 Uses For Canned Air

April 25, 2007

1. USE ALONG WITH MILK TO CREATE A FAKE CAPPUCCINO.
2. ADDED INCENTIVE DURING “ROACH RACES.”
3. INSTANT METHANE REMOVAL FROM OFFICE OR CUBICLE.
4. CAN BE USED TO RE-CREATE THAT “GREAT NORTHEASTERN WIND A BLOWIN” WHEN CALLING CLIENTS.
5. A QUICK AND SOMETIMES EFFICIENT WAY TO GIVE YOURSELF THAT “HARRIED” LOOK AT THE OFFICE – TO BE AVOIDED BY TOUPEE WEARERS.
6. HAVING A BAD HAIR DAY? THEN SLAP SOME WATER ON YOUR HEAD, SMOOTH YOUR HAIR AND DRY IT WITHOUT HAVING TO BEND OVER TO GET TO THE HAND DRYER.
7. QUICK BURN RELIEF: USE SPARINGLY, OR YOU’LL END UP WITH FREEZER BURN, TOO.
8. DOG TRAINING – IT’S BETTER THAN WHISTLING.
9. CAT REMOVAL – A QUICK PSSSSSSSSSSSST IS GUARANTEED TO SCARE EVEN THE TOUGHEST ALLEY CAT.
10. CLEANING THE LINT BUILDUP OUT OF YOUR NAVEL ON REALLY SLOW DAYS. AND WHY IS THE LINT ALWAYS BLUE?
11. AIM AT THE TOP OF THE CUBICLE CABINET TOWARD THE PERSON ON THE OTHER SIDE TO MOVE DUST AND OTHER MISCELLANEOUS DEBRIS TO WHERE IT RIGHTLY BELONGS.
12. USE THE COOLING NATURE OF CANNED AIR TO HEAT UP YOUR OFFICE IN THE COLD WINTER MONTHS. JUST SPRAY THE THERMOSTAT WITH A HEALTHY SHOT OF CANNED AIR, AND WAIT FOR THE HEAT TO KICK IN!
13. WHILE CAN IS BEHIND YOUR BACK, FOLLOW SOMEONE INTO THE ELEVATOR AND A GOOD, LONG BLAST, THEN LOOK AROUND EXCITEDLY EXCLAIMING THAT YOU’RE TOO YOUNG TO DIE THIS WAY.
14. GIVE A WHISTLE THE ENERGY IT NEEDS TO CONVINCE YOUR BOSS THE EVACUATION ALARM SOUNDED.
15. CONSERVE TREES BY BLOWING THE SEEDS AND EXCREMENT FROM THE BOTTOM OF BIRD CAGES, THUS SAVING THE PAPER FOR FURTHER USAGE.
16. CLEAN THE CRUMBS FROM A BUCKET SEAT.
17. DON’T HANDLE THEM DIRECTLY – BLOW THE DUST OFF THOSE MOUSE BALLS!
18. EAR WAX REMOVAL. PLACE THREE DROPS OF WARM SALT WATER IN THE EAR CANAL. ALLOW TO SET FOR ONE MINUTE. HOLD AIR-STRAW TWO INCHES FROM EAR CANAL, BLOW… SEE IF YOU CAN HIT SOMEONE WITH THE FLYING WAX.
19. BLOWING LIQUID THROUGH A STRAW. WITH THE USE OF COMPRESSED AIR, THE LIQUID CAN BE BLOWN FURTHER. WITH THE USE OF 1/2″ DIAMETER PLASTIC TUBING, AND A MIDNIGHT TUBE-RUNNING OFFICE VISIT, IT CAN BE BLOWN ON UNSUSPECTING CO-WORKERS FROM BEHIND CLOSED DOORS.
20. REV UP THAT GRILL: STAND BACK ABOUT TWO FEET AND REV UP YOUR CHARCOAL GRILL FIRE WITH A FEW BLOWS!
21. BLOWING UP SKIRTS À LA MARILYN MONROE.
22. WART REMOVAL: INVERT CAN, SPRAY TO FREEZE WART.
23. FREEZE GUM THAT IS STUCK IN THE CARPET OR UPHOLSTERY AND THEN REMOVE WITH A PUTTY KNIFE.
24. REMOVING CATS FROM KEYBOARDS.
25. REMOVING ANNOYING NON-IT COWORKERS (THEY USUALLY THINK IT’S SOME SORT OF HARMFUL CHEMICAL).
26. REMOVING TOILET WATER FROM A CELL PHONE DROPPED THERE BY MY 16-YEAR-OLD.
27. PAPERWEIGHT – PARTICULARLY USEFUL WHILE USING ANOTHER CAN TO DUST DESK.
28. ON SLOW DAYS, DRAW A SHUFFLEBOARD DIAGRAM ON A TABLETOP; USE CANNED AIR TO SHOOT BOTTLE CAPS TO SCORE.
29. CANNED AIR IS PERFECT FOR CLEANING THE CUT WHISKERS OUT OF YOUR ELECTRIC RAZOR.
30. CLEANING RESIDUE FROM COFFEE GRINDER.
31. BLOWING EXCESS CHEESE OUT OF YOUR MAC ‘N CHEESE.
32. INFLATING UNDERSTUFFED RAVIOLI TO CREATE THE ILLUSION OF OVERSTUFFED.
33. PUT A FROTH OF FOAM ON YOUR COFFEE, AND IT’S CHEAPER THAN STARBUCKS.
34. TURN THE CAN UPSIDE DOWN AND QUICKLY COOL YOUR FAVORITE FLAVOR OF JELL-O AFTER BOILING IT IN THE MICROWAVE. PARTICULARLY EFFECTIVE FOR GREEN JELL-O.
35. ALSO GREAT FOR THAT HALF-BOTTLE OF MOUNTAIN DEW ON THE CORNER OF THE DESK WHEN YOU JUST WON’T DRINK IT WARM.
36. FILL CAN WITH MILDLY PRESSURIZED, PURIFIED AIR (NOTHING BUT 78% N2, 21% O2, 0.94% AR2, 0.03% CO2 AND A 0.03% MIX OF OTHER NATURAL ELEMENTAL GASES). THIS RESULTS IN A COLORLESS AND ODORLESS MIXTURE. THEN, WHENEVER YOU TIRE OF THE SMELL AND POISONS OF POLLUTION, JUST SPRAY THE PURE AIR IN YOUR FACE AND BREATHE DEEP!
37. INDOOR MODEL ROCKETRY: TAKE ONE OF THOSE HANDY LITTLE FILM CANISTERS NORMALLY USED FOR HOLDING CASE SCREWS – TAPE ROCKET STYLE FINS TO THE CANISTER. IMPORTANT: THE FAT END OF THE FINS MUST BE AT THE OPEN END OF THE CANISTER. WHILE HOLDING THE CANISTER OPEN END UP INVERT THE CANNED AIR AND SPRAY INTO THE CANISTER FOR SEVERAL SECONDS CREATING A 1/8 INCH DEEP POOL OF PROPELLANT. IMMEDIATELY PLACE THE CAP ON THE CANISTER AND PLACE CAP DOWN ON ANY LEVEL SURFACE. IN A MATTER OF MOMENTS THE “INDOOR ROCKET” IS LAUNCHED AT EXTREMELY HIGH SPEED INTO THE AIR / CEILING TILES / BOSS’S OFFICE.
38. SUPPORT THE WIND POWER INDUSTRY BY KEEPING THE TURBINES GOING WHENEVER THE WIND DROPS.
39. SPRAY LIBERALLY TO COOL THE AIR WHEN GLOBAL WARMING HEATS IT.
40. SPRAY LIBERALLY TO WARM THE AIR WHEN GLOBAL WARMING PRODUCES UNUSUALLY COLD WEATHER.
41. BLOWING BUBBLES; SIMPLY INSERT INTO THE LITTLE BOTTLE AND ZILLIONS OF BUBBLE APPEAR FROM NOWHERE.
42. EMERGENCY CAN OF AIR FOR FISH TANK, WHEN THE FISH TANK PUMP BREAKS DOWN.
43. HELP BLOW MILK OUT OF YOU NOSE.
44. SHOOT PAPER WADS OUT OF STRAW.
45. PLAY AIR HOCKEY AT MCDONALDS WITH TRIANGLE STRAW.
46. TURN PAGES IN YOUR SMART COMPUTING MAGAZINE.
47. CREATING DUST DEVILS – INSERT INTO BAG OF POWDERED SUGAR AND LET IT RIP.
48. EMERGENCY OUTBOARD MOTOR.
49. DEFEATHERING NOISY PARAKEETS.
50. CHOCOLATE MILK STIRRER.
51. BLOW IT IN THE FACE OF YOUR DOG TO CREATE THE ILLUSION OF HANGING HEAD OUT OF WINDOW WHILE DRIVING.
52. BLOW IN YOUR CAT’S FACE SO SHE CAN PRETEND SHE IS BEING CHASED BY THE DOG IN THE CAR.
53. FORCING SAND FURTHER INTO SENSITIVE MACHINERY TO INCREASE WEAR FACTOR.
54. COOLING DOWN THE ARM PITS, ESPECIALLY WHEN HOT AND WET.
55. SINCE THE CANNED AIR DOESN’T CONTAIN AIR, BUT SOME HEAVIER THAN AIR GAS — IT CAN BE USED TO MAKE “HEAVY BALLOONS” THAT FALL TO THE GROUND LIKE BRICKS. SURE TO AMAZE YOUR COWORKERS!
56. IRRITATE NEXT DOOR’S PIT BULL.
57. SEE JUST HOW BIG YOU CAN INFLATE A BULL FROG BEFORE IT POPS.
58. TURN THE PAGES ON A CALENDAR ONCE A MONTH.
59. WIN EVERY TIME PLAYING BALLOON-KEEP-UP.
60. THERE ARE A LOT OF MACHINES IN THE LAB AND THE WHITE NOISE TENDS TO LULL TIRED TECHNICIANS TO SLEEP. A SQUIRT OF CANNED AIR TO THE EAR WAKES ‘EM RIGHT UP!
61. HUMANE FLY SWATTER.
62. A VERY SHORT SHOT OF AIR WILL FORCE INK INTO A REFILLED CARTRIDGE. INSERT IN FILL HOLE, COVER WITH PAPER TOWEL AND GIVE A BURST. INK WILL FLOW FROM THE JET NOZZLE OF THE CARTRIDGE. TOO MUCH AIR WILL MAKE A MESS!
63. USE TO BLOW OUT WINDSHIELD WIPER HOSE.
64. TAPE CAN TO MODEL BOAT, THEN TAPE DOWN NOZZLE AND PUT IN WATER.
65. USE A LOT OF CASES OF AIR TO BLOW OFF LEAVES FROM YARD.
66. BLOW OUT RAIN GUTTERS.
67. BLOW BUBBLES IN BATH WATER.
68. IRRITATE WASPS.
69. HELP GET KITES OFF THE GROUND.
70. BLOW SAND INTO YOUR BROTHER’S SHORTS.
71. INSERT INTO FRONT OF PANTS AND COOL DOWN.
72. AS A FISHING AID: USE THE CANNED AIR TO SAIL THE LINE OUT.
73. KEEPING THE CAT OFF OF THE SOFA.
74. CHILL A PITCHER OF TEA, PUT CAN INTO TEA AND PULL TRIGGER.
75. IF YOU HAVE NOTHING BUT A WARM CAN OF SODA AND THE ICE TRAY IS EMPTY, YOU CAN FREEZE THE WATER IN THE BOTTOM OF A PAPER CUP…INVERT THE CAN AND SPRAY INSIDE THE CUP.
76. FREEZING BODY PARTS OF UNWELCOME VISITORS IN YOUR OFFICE – INVERT THE CAN, AIM AT BODY PART AND SQUEEZE WHILE INFORMING THE USER THAT YOU DON’T TAKE WALK-IN REQUESTS. IF REPEATED WITH SUFFICIENT FREQUENCY AND CONSISTENCY THIS SHOULD ELICIT A PAVLOVIAN RESPONSE AND CREATE AN AVERSION TO NOT FOLLOWING THE CORRECTION PROCEDURE FOR SUBMITTING A HELP TICKET.
77. COOLING SOLDER.
78. REMOVING CHEWED OFF FINGERNAILS FROM KEYBOARD.
79. CLEANING PIERCINGS.
80. MAKING OBNOXIOUS ARMPIT NOISES – INSERT STRAW IN ARMPIT, SQUEEZE ARM TO SIDE OF BODY AND PRESS TRIGGER.
81. EXPELLING ANTS FROM YOUR WORK AREA.
82. COOLING YOUR COFFEE IN A CAFFEINE EMERGENCY.
83. REMOVING IRRITANTS FROM BRA WITHOUT HAVING TO DISROBE.
84. EJECTING THE FLUFF FROM BETWEEN TOES WHILE AVOIDING ACTUAL CONTACT.
85. COOLING SKIN WITHIN A CAST.
86. AS AN AIR-BRUSH PROPELLANT.
87. PLAYING THE ENGLISH GAME OF “BLOW FOOTBALL” – TRADITIONALLY PLAYED BY BLOWING THROUGH STRAWS, BUT EXPEDITIOUS USE OF CANNED AIR MAKES FOR LONGER AND MORE CHALLENGING GAMES WITH REDUCED RISK OF ASPHYXIATION.
88. RIDDING INFREQUENTLY USED POWER SUPPLIES OF BROWN RECLUSE SPIDERS (THIS HAPPENED…).
89. COOLING YOUR FEET OFF WITHOUT HAVING TO REMOVE SOCKS OR SHOES – INSERT STRAW IN SOCK AND SQUEEZE TRIGGER. BE WARNED THAT THIS HAS THE ADDED BONUS OF LIBERALLY DISTRIBUTING BODY ODOR IF YOU SUFFER FROM THIS PROBLEM (THIS ALSO APPLIES TO 5).
90. ADDING FOAM TO HOT CHOCOLATE.
91. LOCATING PRECISELY WHICH TOOTH IT IS THAT HAS BECOME COLD SENSITIVE.
92. PAINTING WITH HOT AND COLD.
93. BLASTING THE CRUD OUT OF MICE.
94. THE INCREDIBLE GROWING PUTTY BALL.
95. FIRING SMALL MISSILES.
96. SURPRISING A NAPPING CAT.
97. CONFUSING TELEMARKETERS – NOT AS EFFECTIVE AS AN AIR HORN, BUT STILL QUITE ALARMING.
98. DRYING SKATE BEARINGS.
99. CLEARING SINUSES (DON’T TRY THIS).
100. INFLATING BALLOONS.
101. QUICK-DRYING PLAYDOH® SCULPTURES OF MINIATURE DONKEYS MADE AT DESK ON SLOW DAYS.


I bet you didn’t know….

April 24, 2007

Did You Know…..?

Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented.
It was ruled “Gentlemen Only…Ladies Forbidden”…and
thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

——————————————-

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime
time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. (Lucy and
Ricky were only allowed twin beds. Remember?)

——————————————-

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the
U.S.Treasury.

——————————————-

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can
hear better.

——————————————-

Coca-Cola was originally green.

——————————————-

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

——————————————-

The State with the highest percentage of people who
walk to work: Alaska

——————————————-

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now
get this…)

——————————————-

The percentage of North America that is wilderness:
38%

————————————————————————————

The average cost of raising a medium-size dog to the
age of eleven: $6,400

————————————————————————————

The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in
any given hour: 61,000

————————————————————————————

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their
hair.

————————————————————————————

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom
Sawyer.

————————————————————————————

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile
National Monuments.

————————————————————————————

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a
great king from history:

Spades – King David

Hearts – Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander, the Great

Diamonds – Julius Caesar

————————————————————————————

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
(Awesome)

————————————————————————————

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has
both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air the person
died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the
horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died
of natural causes.

————————————————————————————

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence
on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of
the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature
wasn’t added until 5 years later.

————————————————————————————

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace

————————————————————————————

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most
popular boat name requested?

A. Obsession

————————————————————————————

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you
have to go until you would find the letter “A”?

A. One thousand

————————————————————————————

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield
wipers, and laser printers all have in common?

A. All were invented by women.

————————————————————————————

Q. What is the only food that doesn’t spoil?

A. Honey

——————————————————————————–

Q. Which day are there usually more collect calls than
any other day of the year?

A. Father’s Day

————————————————————————————

In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed
frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the
mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on.
Hence the phrase……… “goodnight, sleep tight.”

————————————————————————————

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years
ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s
father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead
he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their
calendar was lunar based, this period was called the
honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

————————————————————————————

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts..
So in old England , when customers got unruly, the
bartender would yell at them “Mind your pints and
quarts, and settle down.”

It’s where we get the phrase “mind your P’s and Q’s”

——————————————————————————-

Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a
whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their
ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the
whistle to get some service. “Wet your whistle” is the
phrase inspired by this practice.

————————————————————————————

In the 1400’s a law was set forth in England that a
man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no
thicker than his thumb. Hence we have “the rule of
thumb”

——————————————- —————————–

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

————————————————————————————

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick
their elbow!

————————————————————————————

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when…

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in
years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your
family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next
to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends
and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell
phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in
the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at
the bottom of the screen..

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which
you didn’t even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years
of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn
around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before
getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. 🙂

12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are
going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this
list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there
wasn’t a #9 on this list.


ABOUT SOUTHERN WOMEN…

April 22, 2007

SOUTHERN WOMEN

Southern women appreciate their natural assets:
Clean skin.
A winning smile.
That unforgettable Southern drawl.

Southern women know their manners:
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Why , no, Billy!”

Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions :
“Y’all come back!”
“Well, bless your heart.”
“Drop by when you can.”
“How’s your Momma?”

Southern women know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity

Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
The beach
The beach

Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August:
Colorful hi-heel sandals
Strapless sun dresses
Iced sweet tea with mint

Southern women know everybody’s first name:
Honey
Darlin’
Shugah

Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind
The Notebook

Southern women know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football

Southern women know their country breakfasts:
Red-eye gravy
Grits
Eggs
Country ham
Mouth-watering home made biscuits with momma’s homemade jelly

Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Chawl’stn,
S’vanah
Foat Wuth
N’awlins
Addlanna

Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform.
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler, of course!

Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the four deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food
Wearing too much makeup in the summer

Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah!

Now…… Shugah, spread this to some girls who were raised in the
South or wish they had been!

If you’re a Northern transplant:
Bless your little heart–fake it. We know you got here as fast
as you could!!!