5 DEADLY TERMS USED BY A WOMAN ~

July 27, 2011

1. FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when she knows she is RIGHT & YOU need to SHUT UP.

2. NOTHING: Means SOMETHING & you need to be WORRIED.

3. GO AHEAD: This is a dare, not permission , do NOT do it.

4. WHATEVER: A woman’s way of saying FORGET YOU.

5. THAT’S OK: She is thinking long & hard on HOW & WHEN you will pay for your mistake.


To My Beautiful Sisters…

March 8, 2011

A young wife sat on a sofa on a hot humid day, drinking iced tea and visiting with her mother. As they talked about life, about marriage, about the responsibilities of life and the obligations of adulthood, the mother clinked the ice cubes in her glass thoughtfully and turned a clear, sober glance upon her daughter.

“Don’t forget your sisters,” she advised, swirling the tea leaves to the bottom of her glass. “They’ll be more important as you get older. No matter how much you love your husband, no matter how much you love the children you may have, you are still going to need sisters.”

“Remember to go places with them now and then; do things with them.”

“Remember that ‘sisters’ means ALL the women… your girlfriends, your daughters, and all your other women relatives too. You’ll need other women. Women always do.”

“What a funny piece of advice!” the young woman thought. “Haven’t I just gotten married? Haven’t I just joined the couple-world? I’m now a married woman, for goodness sake! A grownup!  Surely my husband and the family we may start will be all I need to make my life worthwhile!”

But she listened to her mother. She kept contact with her sisters and made more women friends each year. As the years tumbled by, one after another, she gradually came to understand that her mother really knew what she was talking about. As time and nature work their changes and their mysteries upon a woman, sisters are the mainstays of her life.

She said this is what she learned:

Time passes, life happens, distance separates, children grow up, jobs come and go, love waxes and wanes, men don’t do what they’re supposed to do, hearts break, parents die, colleagues forget favors, and careers end…

BUT…

Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you. A girl friend is never farther away than needing her can reach.

When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley’s rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley’s end.

Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you…. Or come in and carry you out. Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, Mothers, Grandmothers, aunties, nieces, cousins, and extended family: all bless our life!

The world wouldn’t be the same without women, and neither would I. When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we would need each other.

Every day, we need each other still. Pass this on to all the women who help make your life meaningful.


If a Man Wants You… (Things to Remember)

January 27, 2011

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.

If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay.

Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that’s not meant to be.

Slower is better.

Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can’t “be friends.” A friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend.

Don’t settle.

If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

Don’t stay because you think “it will get better.” You’ll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Avoid men who’ve got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn’t marry them when he got them pregnant, Why would he treat you any differently?

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.

If something bothers you, speak up.

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man’s behavior. Change comes from within.

Don’t EVER make him feel he is more important than you are… even if he has more education or in a better job.  Do not make him into a quasi-god.    He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are.

Never borrow someone else’s man.

Oh Lord! If he cheated with you, he’ll cheat on you.

A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending…compromise is a two-way street.

You need time to heal between relationships…there is nothing cute about baggage… deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you…a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals…look for someone complimentary… not supplementary.

Dating is fun…even if he doesn’t turn out to be Mr.. Right.

Make him miss you sometimes…when a man always knows where you are, and you’re always readily available to him- he takes it for granted.

Don’t fully commit to a man who doesn’t give you everything that you need.

Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

Share this with other ladies….. You’ll make someone SMILE, another RETHINK her choices, and another woman PREPARE.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them.

The WORST Pick Up Lines EVER!

April 9, 2007

So I asked a few folks to gimmee the best…er…worst…pick-up lines they ever heard (or used), and here are the results. Feel free to add on!

“Baby, I bet you’re just like a Snickers… you could really satisfy!”

“If you were a car door I would slam you all night long.”

“Can I please be your slave tonight?”

“So, what are the chances that we can engage in anything more than just conversation?”

“Baby, I would do more things to you than MacGyver in a “Do-It-Yourself Shop”.”

“I don’t know what you think of me, but I hope it’s X-rated.”

“You’re clothes would sure look good on my floor!”

“You remind me of a championship bass–I don’t know whether to mount you or eat you! ”

“Hi, I’m writing a term paper on the finer things in life. Can I interview you?”

“They say everyone has a star and yours must shine the brightest!”

“Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by you again?”

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I’d like to be holding you tonight”

“Do you have sex with strangers? Then allow me to introduce myself!”

“I’m feeling off today, would you mind turning me on?”

“All those curves and me with no brakes”

“Excuse me…do you have a band aid? I scraped my knees when I fell for you”

“If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I’d be walking in my garden all the time.”

“What do you say we go behind a rock and get a little boulder?”

“Your body must be VISA, because you’re everywhere I want to be.”

“Are you a parking ticket? You got “fine fine fine” written all over you!”

“They say sex is a killer. Want to die happy?”

“Picture this…..you, me a bubble bath and a bottle of champagne”

“Would you meet me in the courtyard at midnight? I’d like to see which is more beautiful, you or the moonlight.”

“I’m a recruiter. Why not come over to my place and be all you can be?”

“You’re so hot you make fire sweat!”

“You may not like me now….but you’re drinking BEER”

“If beauty was crime, you’d be in for life….”

“Wanna go halves on a baby?”

“Hey there, how would you like to wear those clothes to work tomorrow?”

“I love every muscle in your body …..especially mine”

“I couldn’t help but notice I was staring at you….”

“You like Pop Tarts?
Because that’s what we’re having for breakfast tomorrow.”

“Damn girl, you could knock the stuffin’ off an egg McMuffin.”

“HI I AM THE ONE THAT HAS BEEN STALKING YOU FOR THE LAST YEAR AND TRIED TO KILL
YOU 10 TIMES SO GO OUT WITH ME OR DIE.”

“Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you. ”

and even more stupid shit we’ve heard or said…

Excuse me, but I think I dropped something!!! MY JAW!!

If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you.

Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!

Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

Baicarumba…are those real?

Be unique and different, just say yes.

Can I flirt with you?

Damn girl, you have more curves than a race track.

Do you know karate? Cos damn it honey, your body is really kickin.

Excuse me. I’m from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I’m going to have to ask you to assume the position.

Gee, that’s a nice set of legs, what time do they open?

How do you like your eggs in the morning? Scrambled or fertilized?

Just call me milk, I’ll do your body good.

Your body’s name must be Visa, because it’s everywhere I want to be.

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.


Friends Are Like Bras…

April 3, 2007

Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.”

“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked

Always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.

That is what friendship means. Sharing the prejudice of experience.

Give me one friend, just one, who meets The needs of all my varying moods.

My true friends have always given me that supreme proof of devotion, a spontaneous aversion for the man I loved.

Most people enjoy the inferiority of their best friends.

What is a friend? I will tell you it is someone with whom you dare to be yourself.

A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway.

“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.”

“If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we’re apart.. i’ll always be with you.”

“Friends are God’s way of apologizing to us for our families.”

“A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.”

“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”

“True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.”

“true friendship isn’t about being there when it’s convenient; it’s about being there when it’s not.”

I always felt that the great high privilege, relief and comfort of friendship was that one had to explain nothing.

“Best friends are the ones who can be the farthest away but there the fastest when you call.”

The only thing that lasts longer than a friend’s love is the stupidity that keeps us from knowing any better.

I always felt that the great high privilege, relief and comfort of friendship was that one had to explain nothing.

It is difficult to say who do you the most mischief: enemies with the worst intentions or friends with the best.

Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.

Treat your friends as you do your pictures, and place them in their best light.

A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down.

“No distance of place or lapse of time can lessen the friendship of those who are thoroughly persuaded of each other’s worth.”

No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow.

Sometimes i want to shout to the whole world how lucky i am to have you as my friend but sometimes i want to hush…afraid that somebody might take you away from me.

“Some people go to priests; others to poetry; I to my friends.”

“If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live without you.”

The friendship between a man and a woman which does not lead to marriage or desire for marriage may be a life long experience of the greatest value to themselves and to all their circle of acquaintance and of activity; but for this type of friendship both a rare man and a rare woman are needed. Perhaps it should be added that either the man or the woman thus deeply bound in lifelong friendship who seeks marriage must find a still rarer man or woman to wed, to make such a three cornered comradeship a permanent success.


My Friends “To Do List” for When I Die

January 31, 2007

OK… so most of you know this already, but it never hurts to reiterate, since we were probably drunk when we had the original conversation…

When I die, do NOT bury me, CREAMATE me. I’d prefer a huge funeral pyre blazing on a make-shift wooden raft right around mdnight in the middle of a picturesque lake located in a beautiful valley and surrounded by rugged mountains, and thanks for asking. Yeah, yeah, yeah….. I know… how often did I ever get exactly what I wanted out of life, and why the hell would I possibly expect it to be any different after I’m dead?

Do NOT put me on some somber display and mourn my death. Don’t cry, or try to be quiet with murmurs and whispers in what some call “respect”. If you love me, and know me at all, then you know I’d hate that. Instead, build a bonfire by the afore mentioned lake, party like you’re 21 again, plaster my picture on one of the kegs or coolers, and celebrate my departure. Be happy for me, ’cause i’ll FINALLY be far away from Wynne, with no chance of ever having to return. I’m pretty sure Amanda can supply you with the appropriate photo. She displayed it on her mom’s fridge for YEARS. Try to do it on some private property somewhere, with permission of the owner, of course, so the cops can’t bother you.

For the music, grab my cd case and crank up the volume. Sarah and Steve know my favorites. Hell, Sarah still has my absolute favorite cd, and Steve has copies of my top 50 tunes. LOL! But for the very last song… the epitaph… the eulogy… the final farewell… I want you guys to raise your glasses, flick your bics, smoke a fatty if ya wanna, and play “I’m moving on” by Rascal Flats. It fit me the first day I heard it, it fits me to this day, and it will still fit me when I’m gone. And yes, kimmie, I’d be thrilled for you to lace a hog-leg with my ashes and smoke me up, so I could be with you “forever and ever”. It might just be the sweetest, smoothest smokin’ thing you ever toked on!

Don’t think for a second you have to talk about “the niceties” of my life, or the rougher times I made it through. Instead, tell the stories of the stupidist things you ever remember me doing. Talk about my dumbass ideas, hair-brained schemes, off-beat ideas, and the goofy quirks I had. I once read “you are only as strong as the tables you dance on, the drinks you mix, and the friends you roll with”, so party hard, drink hard, hugg each other hard, and remember that i loved you, and would do anything for you. I’ll be with you always, and you’ll know when I’m there. I’ll be the thought that makes you laugh out loud in the middle of silence . When you trip over your own two feet, or lose sometthing you just sat down in front of you… that would be me fucking with you. When your watching porn and need to suddenly turn down the volume or go to a black screen because someones suddenly walking in unannounced, I’ll be the reason you can’t find the remote, the volume suddenly blairs and the power button is stuck. When you just can’t believe something that stupid happened… I caused it. I’ll also be the tune you find yourself humming, the $20 you didn’t know you had, and the dumb-luck that saved your ass.

So… don’t miss me when i’m gone, ’cause I won’t be!


I Was Wondering…

January 18, 2007

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would the still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?

If I break the laws of Physics do I go to jail?

Will you die if you get scared half to death twice?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, than who is the fool who said, “Quit while you’re ahead”?

Sooner or later doesn’t EVERYONE stop smoking?

Why can’t we make newspapers that don’t smudge?

Why doesn’t onomatopoeia sound like what it is?

If you choke a Smurf what color would it turn?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have a s in it?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation or a murder?

Why does the psychic hotline ask for your credit card number? Shouldn’t they already know it?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone is going to clean them?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

What’s another word for thesaurus?

If you throw your pet cat out the window of your car does it bec0me cat litter?

Why is it called a TV “set” when you only get one?

How did a fool and his money get together?

Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address you turn the radio down?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called a shipment but when you transport something by ship it is called cargo?

If you have an open mind is there a chance your brain might fall out?

If the entire world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Why in a country with freedom of speech are there phone bills?

Why is it that when you tell a person that there are 400 billion stars in the sky and he’ll believe you, tell him a bench is wet and he has to touch it? ,

How do I set my laser printer on stun gun?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Who really took the bite out of the Apple logo?

Why when you say a color a lot does it start to sound really strange?

How many licks does it really take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

If 75% of all accidents occur within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

If the cops arrest a mime do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Isn’t the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?


If it is zero degrees outside today and it is supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

What does Geronimo yell when he jumps out of a plane?