My Book of Bullshit Laws

January 12, 2007

  • The Airplane Law: When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.
  • (Agnes) Allen’s Law: Almost anything is easier to get into than out of. Anderson’s Law: Any system or program, however complicated, if looked at in exactly the right way, will become even more complicated.
  • Baldy’s Law: Some of anything plus the rest of anything equals the whole thing.
  • Becker’s Law: Finding a job is more difficult than keeping a job.
  • Beckhap’s Law: Beauty times brains equals a constant.
  • Benchley’s Law: There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don’t. Berkeley’s Laws: 1) Most problems have either many answers or no answer. Only a few problems have a single answer. 2) An answer may be wrong, right, both, or neither; most answers are partly right and partly wrong. 3) A chain of reasoning is no stronger than its weakest link. 4) An exception tests a rule; it never proves it. 5) If there is an opportunity to make a mistake, sooner or later the mistake will be made. 6) Being sure mistakes will occur is a good frame of mind for catching them. 7) A great many problems do not have accurate answers, but do have approximate answers, from which sensible decisions can be made.
  • Blauw’s Law: Established technology tends to persist in spite of new technology.
  • Bohr’s Law: The crazier the theory, the more likely it’s correct and the harder to understand, the more likely published.
  • Bok’s Law: The cost of education is nothing compared to the cost of ignorance.
  • Boob’s Law: You will always find what you’re looking for in the last place you look.
  • Booker’s Law: An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction (i. e., 16000:1).
  • Boyle’s Laws: 1) The deficiency will never show itself during the dry runs. 2) Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce multiple interpretations. Brooke’s Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
  • Buchwald’s Law: When the economy gets better everything else gets worse.
  • Bucy’s Law: Nothing worthwhile has ever been accomplished by a reasonable man.
  • Camp’s Law: A coup known in advance is one that does not take place.
  • Carson‘s Law: It’s better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.
  • Cayo’s Law: The only time an event will start on time is when you’re not.
  • Cheops’ Law: [aka Pournelle’s] Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
  • Chisholm’s Laws: 2) When things are going well, something will go wrong. 3) Proposals, as understood by the proposer, will be judged otherwise by others.
  • Clarke’s Laws: 1) When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right; when he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong. 2) The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible. 3) Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
  • Clopton’s Law: For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill.
  • Clyde‘s Law: The longer you put off something that needs to be done, the greater the probability that it will be done by someone else.
  • Cohen’s Law: What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on the facts, not the facts themselves.
  • Cole’s Law: [coleslaw] shredded cabbage with slaw dressing
  • Comins’s Law: People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.
  • Considine’s Law: Whenever one word or letter can change the entire meaning of a sentence, the probability of an error will be in direct proportion to the resultant embarrassment.
  • Conway‘s Law: In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on.
  • Cooke’s Law: The amount of relevant information available on which to base a decision is inversely proportional to the importance of the decision.
  • Cook’s Law: Much work, much food; little work, little food; no work, burial at sea.
  • Cooper’s Law: In technical writing, a word not understood may be ignored with negligible loss of comprehension.
  • Cornuelle’s Law: Authority tends to assign jobs to those least capable to do them.
  • Corry’s Law: Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
  • Crane’s Law: There ain’t no such thing as a free lunch. (“tanstaafl”)
  • Cropp’s Law: The amount of work done is inversely proportional to the amount of office time.
  • Deadlock’s Law: If the law-makers make a compromise, the place where it will be felt most is the taxpayer’s pocket.
  • Deighton’s Law: You can’t make women happy.
  • Dieter’s Law: The best tasting food has the most calories.
  • DeNever’s Law: The simplest subjects are the ones you know nothing about.
  • Donohue’s Law: Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.
  • Donsen’s Law: The specialist learns more and more about less and less until, finally, he knows everything about nothing; whereas the generalist learns less and less about more and more until, finally, he knows nothing about everything.
  • Doorkey Law: A person’s status is equal to the number of doors that person can open divided by the number of keys needed, from those with keys without doors up to those for whom doors are opened without keys.
  • Dow’s Law: The higher the level in a hierarchy, the greater the confusion.
  • Drazen’s Law: The time to unfoul a foul-up is inversely proportional to the time it took to do fouling-up. (see Wolf’s Law)
  • Dror’s Laws: 1) While the difficulties and dangers of problems tend to increase at a geometrically, the knowledge and qualified manpower needed to deal with them tend to increase linearly. 2) While human capacities to shape the environment, society, and human beings are rapidly increasing, policymaking capabilities to utilize them remain the same.
  • Dyer’s Law: Paper flow implies more paper flow.
  • Dykstra’s Law: Everybody’s somebody’s weirdo.
  • Epstein’s Law: An unsolved problem is bad, but a “solved” problem is worse.
  • Faber’s Laws: 1) If there isn’t a law, there will be. 2) The number of errors in any piece of writing rises proportionately to the writer’s reliance on secondary sources.
  • Fairfax‘s Law: [fair facts] Any facts which, when included in the argument, give the desired result, are fair facts for the argument.
  • Fetridge’s Law: Important things that are supposed to happen don’t, especially when others are watching.
  • Finagle’s Laws: 1) If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. 2) No matter what the experiment’s result, there will always be someone eager to: (a) misinterpret it. (b) fake it. or (c) believe it supports his own pet theory. 3) In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. 4) Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
  • Finnegan’s Law: The further away the future the better it looks.
  • Finnigan’s Law: That which is most obviously correct, beyond all apparent need to check, is the mistake.
  • Firestone’s Law: Chicken Little only has to be right once to be right.
  • Fitz-Gibbon’s Law: Creativity is inversely proportional to the number of cooks involved with the broth.
  • Flap’s Law: Any inanimate object, regardless of its composition or configuration, may be expected to perform at any time in a totally unexpected manner for reasons that are either entirely obscure or completely mysterious.
  • Fowler’s Law: In a bureaucracy, accomplishment is inversely proportional to the volume of paper used.
  • Frankel’s Law: Whatever happens in government could have happened differently, and it usually would have been better if it had.
  • Freeman’s Law: Nothing is so simple it cannot be misunderstood.
  • Fried’s Law: Ideas endure and prosper in inverse proportion to their soundness and validity.
  • Frisch’s Law: You cannot have a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
  • Fyfe’s Laws: 1) Information necessitiating a change in plans will be communicated to the planner after — and only after — the plans are complete. 2) The more innocuous the change in plans appears the great the change will actually be. 3) It is always simpler to start over from scratch than make changes in a plan already started. 4) The more carefully and painstakingly a sample is analysed the greater the probablitity it will be found irrelevant.
  • Gadarene Swine Law: Merely because the group is in formation does not mean that the group is on the right course.
  • Galbraith’s Law: Anyone who says he is not going to, four times, definitely will.
  • Gerrold’s Law: A little ignorance can go a long way.
  • Gershwin’s Law: It ain’t necessarily so.
  • Glatum’s Law: The perceived usefulness of an article is inversely proportional to its actual usefulness once bought and paid for.
  • Godin’s Law: Generalized incompetence is directly proportional to hierarchal rank.
  • Gold’s Law: If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.
  • Goodfader’s Law: The few who are best will better the rest.
  • Gordon’s First Law: If a project is not worth doing at all, it’s not worth doing well.
  • Grabel’s Law: Two does not equal three, even for very large values of two.
  • Green’s Law: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
  • Gresham‘s Law: Trivial matters are handled promptly; important matters are never resolved.
  • Grosch’s Law: Computing power is proportional to the square of the cost.
  • Gross’s Law: When two people meet to decide how to spend a third person’s money, fraud will result.
  • Gualtieri’s Law: Where there’s a will, there’s a won’t.
  • Gummidge’s Law: [aka Prof. Corey’s] “Expertise” is inversely proportional to number of statements understood by public.
  • Gumperson’s Law: The probability of anything happening is in inverse proportion to its desirability.
  • Haldane’s Law: The Universe is not only queerer than we imagine, it is queerer than we CAN imagine.
  • Hane’s Law: There’s no limit to how bad things can get.
  • Harden’s Law: Whenever you have a terrific idea, someone else thought of it first.
  • Hardin’s Law: You can never do merely one thing.
  • Harris’ Law: Any philosophy that can be put “in a nutshell” belongs there.
  • Hartley’s Laws: 1) You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back you’ve got something. 2) If you go to bed with anybody crazier than you are, you are crazier than they are.
  • Hart’s Law: In a country as big as the United States, you can find fifty examples of anything.
  • Harvard Law: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, any experimental organism will do as it damn well pleases.
  • Harver’s Law: A drunken man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.
  • Hein’s Law: Problems worthy of attack prove their worth by hitting back.
  • Hellrung’s Law: If you wait, it will go away.
  • Herblock’s Law: If it’s good, they’ll stop making it.
  • Herrnstein’s Law: The total attention paid to an instructor is a constant regardless of the size of the class.
  • Hildebrand’s Law: The quality of a department is inversely proportional to the number of courses listed in its catalog.
  • Hiram’s Law: If you consult enough experts, you can confirm anything, (but too many experts disconfirm it.)
  • Hoare’s Law: Inside every large program is a small program struggling to get out.
  • Hofstadter’s Law: Things take twice as long as expected, even if you have allowed twice as much time.
  • Howe’s Law: Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
  • Iles’s Law: There is an easier way to do it.
  • Imhoff’s Law: In a bureaucracy, like a septic tank, the really big chunks always rise to the top.
  • Jacob’s Law: To err is human, to blame someone else even moreso.
  • Jenkinson’s Law: It won’t work.
  • Juhani’s Law: The cost of a compromise will always be more than that of either of compromised alternatives.
  • Julian’s Law: The one size that fits everyone doesn’t fit anyone.
  • Katz’s Law: Men and women will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.
  • Kelley’s Law: Last guys don’t finish nice.
  • Kelly’s Law: Nothing’s as simple as it seems
  • Kirkland‘s Law: The usefulness of any meeting is inversely proportional to the attendance.
  • Kitman’s Law: Pure drivel drives out ordinary drivel.
  • Klipstein’s Law: Tolerances will accumulate unidirectionally toward maximum difficulty of assembly.
  • Knight’s Law: Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans.
  • Koppett’s Law: The probability of an outcome with the greatest inconvenience for the largest number approaches 100%.
  • <li class=”MsoNormal” style=””>Konigsberg‘s Law: 80% of success is showing up.

  • Kristol’s Law: Being frustrated is disagreeable, but real disasters begin with getting what you want.
  • Langin’s Law: If things were left to chance, they’d be better.
  • Langsam’s Law: Everything depends.
  • Larkinson’s Law: 100% of laws are basically false.
  • La Rochefoucauld’s Law: Distrusting one’s friends is more shameful than being deceived by them.
  • Last Law: If something did not go wrong, it should have.
  • Leahy’s Law: A thing done wrong enough times becomes right, (but too many times even wronger.)
  • Le Chatelier’s Law: If some stress is brought to bear on a system in equilibrium, the equilibrium is displaced in the direction which tends to undo the effect of the stress.
  • Lord Falkland’s Law: Whenever it is unecessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to make a decision.
  • Lover’s Law: A dandelion from a lover is better than an orchid from a friend.
  • Lowery’s Law: If it jams, it needs to be forced; if it breaks when being forced, it needed replacing anyway.
  • Lubarsky’s Law: There’s always one more bug.
  • Lubin’s Law: If another scientist thought your research was more important than his, he would drop what he is doing and do what you are doing.
  • Luce’s Law: No good deed goes unpunished.
  • Lynch’s Law: When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.
  • Lyon‘s Law: He who hesitates is last.
  • Maier’s Law: If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
  • Malek’s Law: The simpler the idea the greater the complexity with which it will be communicated.
  • Malinowski’s Law: From the safety of a developed civilization, the crudity and irrelevance of magic is most visible.
  • Matsch’s Law: A horrible ending is better than endless horrors.
  • May’s Law: The quality of the correlation is inversely proportional to the density of the control (the fewer the facts, the smoother the curves).
  • McGoon’s Law: The probability of winning is inversely proportional to the amount of the wager.
  • McGovern’s Law: The longer the title the less important is the corresponding job.
  • McGurk’s Law: Any improbable event which would create maximum confusion if it did occur, will occur.
  • McLaughlin’s Law: The length of a meeting is inversely porportional to the length of the agenda.
  • Mencken’s Law: Those who can, do; those who can’t, teach; those who can’t teach, administrate.
  • Mencken’s Metalaw: For every human problem, there is a neat, simple solution which is always wrong.
  • McGee’s First Law: It’s amazing how long it takes to complete something you’re not working on.
  • Meyer’s Law: The best thing to do is the most difficult.
  • Miksch’s Law: If a string has one end it has two.
  • Miller’s Law: You can’t tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it.
  • MIST Law: [man-in-street] The probability of being observed is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
  • Mondale’s Law: If you think you understand, you are actually hopelessly confused.
  • Mosher’s Law: Retiring too soon is better than retiring too late.
  • Mrs. Parkinson’s Law: Heat produced by pressure expands to fill the mind available, from which it can pass only to a cooler mind.
  • Muir’s Law: [aka Commoner’s 1st] Everything is connected to everything else.
  • Munnecke’s Law: If you don’t say it, they can’t repeat it.
  • (Evvie) Nef’s Law: There is a solution to every problem; the only difficulty is finding it.
  • Nessen’s Law: The credibility of a secret source is greater than that of a known one.
  • Nies’ Law: The energy expended by a bureaucracy in minimizing any error is directly proportional to the magnitude of the error.
  • N – 1 Law: The last of a set is the most difficult to find.
  • Obvious Law: It only seems as though you mustn’t be deceived by appearances.
  • Orion’s Law: Everything breaks down.
  • Osborn’s Law: Variables won’t; constants aren’t.
  • Papagiannis’ Law: Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
  • Pareto’s Law (aka The 20/80 Law): 20% of the customers account for 80% of the turnover, 20% of the components account for 80% of the cost, and so forth.
  • Parkinson’s Laws: 1) Work expands to fill the time available for its completion; the thing to be done swells in perceived importance and complexity in a direct ratio with the time to be spent in its completion. 2) Expenditures rise to meet income. 3) Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay. 4) The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done. 5) If there is a way to delay an important decision the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. 6) The progress of science is inversely proportional to the number of journals published.
  • Pascal’s Law: The intelligent with originality see others’.
  • Patton’s Law: A good plan today is better than a perfect one tomorrow.
  • Peer’s Law: The solution to a problem changes the problem, but cannot solve it.
  • The Perversity of Nature Law: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
  • Pierson’s Law: If you’re coasting, you’re going downhill.
  • Plotnick’s Law: The delay in a departure time will is porportional to the square of the number of people involved.
  • Potter’s Law: The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely proportional to that subject’s true value.
  • Poulsen’s Law: When anything is used to its full potential (aka breaking point), it will break.
  • Price’s Law: If everyone doesn’t want it, no one gets it.
  • Pudder’s Law: Anything that begins well ends badly. Anything that begins badly ends worse.
  • Puritan’s Law: Evil is live spelled backwards.
  • Putney’s Law: If a democratic people are allowed the freedom to do so, they will vote away the freedoms essential to that democracy.
  • Putt’s Law: Technology is dominated by two types of people — those who understand what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand.
  • Raspberry Jam Law: The wider any culture is spread, the thinner it gets.
  • Research Law: Enough research will tend to support your theory (but too much won’t).
  • Revelation Law: The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
  • Rawson’s First Law: As soon as you dispose of a book, a pressing need to refer to it will arise.
  • Roemer’s Law: Hospital admissions are vary with the number of beds.
  • Rudin’s Law: In crises that force people to choose among alternate courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible.
  • Runamok’s Law: There are four kinds of people: (a) those who sit quietly and do nothing, (b) those who talk about sitting quietly and doing nothing, (c) those who do things, and (d) those who talk about doing things.
  • Runyon’s Law: The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that’s the higher probability.
  • Ryan’s Law: Three consecutive correct guesses establishs you as an expert.
  • Sattinger’s Law: It works better if you plug it in.
  • Schmidt’s Law: If you mess with a thing long enough, it’ll break.
  • Schuckit’s Law: 100% of interference in human conduct has the potential for causing harm, no matter how innocuous.
  • Schultze’s Law: If you can’t measure output, measuring input is preferable to not measuring at all.
  • Scott’s Laws: 1) The probability of something wrong looking right is greater than that of it looking wrong. 2) When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been correct in the first place.
  • Seay’s Law: Nothing ever comes out as planned.
  • (Seeger’s Law: Anything in parentheses can be ignored.)
  • Segal’s Law: A man with a watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches is never sure.
  • Selective Gravity Law: An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
  • Sells’ Law: The first sample is the best sample.
  • Service’s Law: It’s later than you think.
  • Sevareid’s Law: The chief cause of problems is solutions.
  • Shanahan’s Law: A meeting’s length is inversely proportional to the square of the number of attendees and its productivity inversely proportional to its length. (see Walinsky’s Law)
  • Shirley’s Law: Most people deserve each other.
  • Simon’s Law: Everything that is put together comes apart.
  • Smith’s Law: No real problem has a solution; a solvable problem is not worth solving.
  • Spock’s Law: You know more than you think you know.
  • Stewart’s Law: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
  • Suhor’s Law: A little ambiguity never hurts, (not like none or much.)
  • Sweeney’s Law: The length of a progress report is inversely proportional to the amount of progress.
  • Tacitus’ Law: The unknown always passes for the marvelous.
  • Terman’s Law: The correlation between the quality and cost of education is negligible.
  • Thermodynamics’ 4th Law: If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is almost zero.
  • Thyme’s Law: Everything will go wrong at once.
  • Torquemada’s Law: When you are right, you have a moral duty to impose your will on everyone who is wrong.
  • Turner’s Law: Nearly 100% of public propheesies are wrong.
  • Tylk’s Law: Assumption is the mother of foul-ups.
  • Udall’s Law: If everyone agrees on something, it’s wrong.
  • The Ultimate Law: 100% of general statements are false, including this one.
  • Unnamed Law: If it happened, it was not impossible.
  • Unspeakable Law: As soon as you mention something, if it is good, it goes away. if it is bad, it happens.
  • Valery’s Law: If it’s always been accepted as true, it’s almost certainly false.
  • Van Roy’s Law: A toy that cannot break can break toys that can.
  • Vique’s Law: A man without a religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
  • Walinsky’s Law: Intelligence in a discussion is inversely proportional to the square of the number of people involved. (see Shanahan’s Law)
  • Walton’s Second Law: No one can lose what he never had.
  • Watson’s Law: The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the number and significance of the observer(s).
  • Weiler’s Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it himself.
  • Weinberg’s Laws: 1) Progress is made on alternate Fridays. 2) If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
  • Weisman’s Law: There are no answers, only crossreferences.
  • Weskimen’s Law: There is never enough time to do a thing right, but alway enough time to do it over.
  • Westheimer’s Law: Months in the laboratory is worth hours in the library. (720:1).
  • Whitehead’s Law: The obvious is often overlooked.
  • Wisdom Law: Wisdom is considered a sign of weakness by the powerful because a wise man can lead without power, but only a powerful man can lead without wisdom.
  • Wicker’s Law: Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
  • Wittgenstein’s Law: Of that of which nothing is known nothing can be said.
  • Wolf’s Law: The time and energy to undo a wrong is much greater than that to do one. (see Drazen’s Law)
  • Wyszowski’s Laws: 1) No experiment is reproducible. 2) Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough (but not if you do so too long).
  • Young’s Law: The greatest discoveries are accidental ones.
  • Zimmerman’s Law: No one notices when things go right.
  • Zymurgy’s 1st Law: Once you open a can of worms, the only way to re-can them is to use a bigger can.

The Mechanic and Me

December 16, 2006

Tales From the Countryside (CH 4)

I was a daddy’s girl, and I grew up southern style. By that, I don’t mean I was a “tom boy”, nor was I a debutante. I blended the two into what I believe to be a perfect balance of eclectic, eccentric, outdoorsy, intelligent, multi-talented femininity.Smiley

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re saying to yourself, “WTF is she talking about???????” Smiley (And here is where i tell you….)

My father was bridge foreman for the railroad (Mo-Pac) for 32 years. He would be gone for two weeks at a time, and only home every other weekend. My father was right up there with God as far I as I was concerned, and when he was home, he belonged to ME. He taught me everything he knew. Probably not because he always wanted to, but more likely it was because he couldn’t get rid of me for an instant. I think he figured as long as he taught me something new, and sent me to practice whatever it was he imparted to me, he could breathe for a minute. It never took long however, because I never wanted anything more than to see my father smile, and I learned quickly, from pouring concrete to construction. One of my earliest recollections is of the only fight I ever knew my parents to have. I remember like it was yesterday, sitting in the kitchen on a stool when i was 8 years old, and my father lacing up hiking boots on my feet. He was on one bended knee, and he had a coil of rope on the floor next to him. My mom walks in, stops dead in her tracks and says “Clovis, just what the hell do you think you are DOING!!?!?!?” My father turned to my mother with the most confused look on his face and says “what?” My mother says… “Clovis, you are NOT taking that child up on the ROOF with you!!!”, and my dad says “But Val, I have a rope! I’m gonna tie her to me while I replace the shingles, so she won’t fall off, and she can hand me the nails!” Smiley

Yeah. I thought she was gonna choke him to death with that rope. When she picked it up, I swear…. it kinda looked like a hangman’s noose there for a second. Really. It did….

Anyhow… the point of that retrospective is this. Thanks to my daddy, I also know a wee bit about cars. Not a whole lot, mind you, but enough to get by. I can rebuild a Holly 4-barrel quadrajet, drop in a 350 or a 327 4 bolt main,
replace my own brakes, and change a starter, flywheel, or alternator. So, when I have a damn car with OBD, I know how the hell to read it. OK?

For those of you who DON”T have a CLUE what an OBD stands for “On Board Diagnostic”.
OBD serves as an early warning system that alerts you to the potential need for vehicle repair through the “Check Engine” light on the dashboard of your vehicle. It flashes codes that tell you what ‘s wrong with your ride. You can read them, look them up, and diagnose your own damned car, without having to rely solely on what some “mechanic” tells you.

Now then… Chapter 4 really begins with me, and my OBD the night I got back from night of terror in Tulsa. Yep, I got home, and checked it. The only code it’s flashing is a 41. i go inside, look it up on the internet, and there it is. It’s the EGR valve, and guess what that means? I was right. It’s electronic, and will make my car run like it’s constipated when it’s f****d up. I crawl under the car at midnight with a flashlight in hand and start tracing. yep. It’s F*****D!

Soooooo….. the next AM I call my grandpa and the mechanic, and tell them what the problem is. But noooooooo…… “that’s not it” they say. GRRRRRRRRR!!!!! They will NOT listen to me. I “don’t really need it” they say.

Soooooooo…. I have spent the last 4 days waiting in this God-forsaken 7th circle of hell. (Oklahoma is no longer OK to ME!!!!!) In the interim, the “mechanic” has checked the pressure on my fuel pump, replaced the fuel filter, totally removed the catalytic converter, and a few other various waste of time things.
He tells me yesterday, “must be that EGR valve”.

Smiley Smiley Smiley Smiley Smiley Smiley Smiley Smiley Smiley
YA THINK?!?!?!?!?!?!?
HOLY SHIT!
Smiley Smiley Smiley Smiley Smiley Smiley Smiley Smiley Smiley

By now, my grandpa has sunk so much into that car, it’s all pretty much new under the non-existent perverbial hood. He just doesn’t wanna spend the $250 it’s gonna take to get it fixed. I’m thinking at this point that Old Man Murphy won.

But Wait~~~~~~

The trumpet sounded last night (by way of the telephone) and I was informed I would be getting the money western union from people at home who love me and want my ass BACK there. I bolt to the shop, tell the mechanic I am picking up the part in the AM, have the car ready to install it. He tells me he’ll have it done by the afternoon, and I can go home on Sunday.

Sooooooo… this AM I get up early, go to the shop, and tell him I’m headed to OKC for the part, and he says “cool”. I get back, and guess what??????? The mother fucker (excuse da language, but really… WTF??Smiley has closed the shop up tight, left early, with my car locked up INSIDE, and no one has heard from him since. Did I mention, he lives BEHIND the shop, and sure as hell wasn’t there either?

The S.O.B. RAN and HID!!!!!!! Smiley

That’s ok. I got something for the mechanic. You just hide and watch…

Don’t fuck with a southern woman who has been held hostage in hell for two weeks, and wants nothing in the world but to get home to her son.

Oh yeah….the “mechanic” and me… uh-huh…

Guess no one ever told him that hell hath no fury like a single southern mother scorned.

Murphy may be tough, Karma may be a bitch, and my Dogma may be dead, but they ain’t got SHIT on me!!!!

To be continued…

And where the hell is a disgruntled Smiley carrying a baseball bat????


Me, My Car, and Murphy’s Law

December 10, 2006

Me And Murphy’s Law Current mood: indescribable

Old Man Murphy and his freakin’ Laws. Gotta love ’em, aye? Have I mentioned that my personal sanity is almost threadbare at this point?

So, I’m in Oklahoma where I have just picked up the car my grandfather gave me. It’s a great ride for a 94 Probe. Sunroof, automatic everything, electric seats, gray leather interior, cruise control, perfect alignment, and wheels/tires on it that are worth as much as the car. Best of all…. it was a freebie!

Then, coming home from the store with my mom, she makes the comment “yeah, well it’s ok, but you haven’t hit the interstate yet”. To which I reply with a tenative laugh ,”mom, shut the hell up and don’t jinx me”. Mom says with utter sincerity, “old man Murphy doesn’t care if you say it aloud or not”.

Either way, we met Mr. Murphy about 10 minutes later, when he bashed my freakin’ car with his freakin’ law.

Yes, at 60 mph, Mr Murphy decides I don’t really need my car hood, or headlamps.

I’m just drivin’, chattin’, and laughin’ with mom when WHAM !!! We hear a clattering sound, the hood flies up, disengages, goes soaring over the top of the car (missing the windshield and back glass, thank God) and SMACKS into my trunk before sailing like a frisbee into the adjacent lane in front of oncoming traffic.

Yes, it’s just another day in my life.

I whip the car around and go after the hood. I pull up in front of it, stare it down like something that should be slaughtered, and get out of the car.
My mother… she’s speechless…bless her heart…
I walk up to the perfectly unmarked hood, stare it down for a moment longer, pick it up , and walk back to check out the car-nage. (Get it!? Carnage!? LMAO!) ((Shut up. It was funny to me.))

I can’t help myself, standing there, holding the hood, looking at the opening where my v-6 is proudly(?) displaying itself. I start smiling. Then the giggles kick in. It is only when my mom gets out of the car and hold the door open saying “honey, quick, stick it in the back seat!”, that I totally lose my composure, and erupt into eye-watering, side-splitting laughter. A few cars slowly manuveured around us, but I’m fairly certain they were afraid to stop, fearing that I must have lost my mind somewhere. I can’t stop laughing! It was just the funniest thing in the world to me. My mom is starting to look at me in a most concerned fashion, and takes a step back from me, which makes me literally double over and HOWLLLLLLLLLL with laughter.

This one truck finally stops and two guys ask if they can help… my mom is looking from them to me, like “OMG HELP HER”…… and all I can do is laugh and laugh and laugh!!!! My mom asks them to put the hood in thier truck and plz follow us home. I guess it was adrenilin cause that hood felt like a feather to me, but it kinda seemed to be given that one guy a hard time.

We did finally make it home and figured out the hood had never actually been fastened to the car. It was simply “resting” there, and had been held in place by the thick sheet of ice that had weighed it down and had also been attached to the wiper blades. No latch, no hinges, no nothing. Just a hood with some ice that decided to melt.

I love my life…..every day is an adventure….

Tomorrow begins my adventure in car hood replacement…..