5 DEADLY TERMS USED BY A WOMAN ~

July 27, 2011

1. FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when she knows she is RIGHT & YOU need to SHUT UP.

2. NOTHING: Means SOMETHING & you need to be WORRIED.

3. GO AHEAD: This is a dare, not permission , do NOT do it.

4. WHATEVER: A woman’s way of saying FORGET YOU.

5. THAT’S OK: She is thinking long & hard on HOW & WHEN you will pay for your mistake.


How To Speak Southern

October 6, 2010

Addled: Confused, disoriented, as in the case of Northern sociologists who try to make sense out of the South, “What’s wrong with that Yankee? He acts right addled.”

Afar: In a state of combustion. “Call the far department. That house is afar.”

Ahr: What we breathe, also a unit of time made up of 60 minutes. “They should’ve been here about an ahr ago.”

Ar: Possessive pronoun. “That’s AR dawg, not yours.”

Ary: Not any. “He hadn’t got ary cent.”

Awfullest: The worst. “That’s the awfullest lie you evr told me in your life.”

Bad-mouth: To disparage or derogate. “All these candidates have bad-mouthed each other so much I’ve about decided not to vote for any of ’em.”

Baws: Your employer. “The baws may not always be right, but he’s always the baws.”

Best: Another baffling Southernism that is usually couched in the negative. “You best not speak to Bob about his car. He just had to spend $300 on it.”

Braht: Dazzing. “Venus is a braht planet.”

Bud: Small feathered crature that flies. “A robin sure is a pretty bud.”

Cawse: Cause, usually preceded in the South by the adjective “lawst” (lost). “The War Between the States was a lawst cawse.”

Cayut: A furry animal much beloved by little girls but detested by adults when it engages in mating rituals in the middle of the night. “Be sure to put the cayut out-side before you go to bed.”

Chunk: To throw. “Chunk it there, Leroy. Ole Leroy sure can chunk ‘at ball, can’t he? Best pitcher we ever had.”

Clone: A type of scent women put on themselves. “what’s that clone you got on, honey?”

Contrary: Obstinate, perverse. “Jim’s a fine boy, but she won’t have nothin’ to do with him. She’s just contrary, is all Ah can figure.”

Daints: A more or less formal event in which members of the opposite sex hold each other and move rhythmically to the sound of music. “You wanna go to the daints with me Saturday night, Bobbie Sue?”

Danjuh: Imminent peril. What John Paul Jones meant when he said, “Give me a fast ship, for I intend to put her in harm’s way.”

Deah: A term of endearment, except in the sense Rhett Butler used it when he said to Scarlett O’Hara, “Frankly, my deah, Ah don’t give a damn.”

Didn’t go to: Did not intend to. “Don’t whip Billy for knockin’ his little sister down. He didn’t go to do it.”

Dollin: Another term of endearment. (darling) “Dollin, will you marry me?”

Dreckly: Soon. “He’ll be along dreckly.”

Effuts: Exertions. “Lee made great effuts to defeat Grant.”

Everthang: All-encompassing. “everthang’s all messed up.”

Everhoo: Another baffling Southernism – a reverse contraction of whoever.”Everhoo one of you kids wants to go to the movie better clean up their room.”

Fahn: Excellent. “That sure is a fahn-lookin’ woman.”

Farn: Anything that is not domestic. “Ah don’t drink no farn liquor, specially Rooshin vodka.”

Fetchin’: Attractive. “That’s a mighty fetchin’ woman. Think I’ll ask her to daints.”

Fixin’ to: About to. “I’m fixin’ to go to the store.”

Foolin’ around: Can mean not doing anything in particular or sex, usually of the extramarital variety. “Sue caught her husband foolin’ around, so she divorced him.”

Fummeer: A place other than one’s present location. “Where do we go fummeer?”

Gawn: Departed. “Bo’s not here. He’s gawn out with somebody else.”

Gone: Going to. “You boys just git out there and play football. We gone make mistakes, but they are, too.”

Got a good notion: A statement of intent. “Ah got a good notion to cut a switch and whale the dickens out of that boy.”

Grain of sense: An appraisal of intelligence, invariably expressed in negative terms. “That boy ain’t got a grain of sense.”

Gummut: A large institution operating out of Washington that consumes taxes at a fearful rate. “Bill’s got it made. He’s got a gummut job.”

Hahr: That which grows on your head and requires cutting periodically. “You need a hahrcut.”

Hod: Not soft, but meaning stubborn or willful when used to describe a Southern child’s head. “That boy’s so hod-headed it’s pitiful.”

Hot: A muscle that pumps blood through the body, but also regarded as the center of emotion. “That gull (girl) has just broke his hot.”

Hush yo’ mouth: An expression of pleased embarrassment, as when a Southern female is paid an extravagant compliment. “Honey, you’re ’bout the sweetest, best-lookin’ woman in Tennessee. Now hush yo’ mouth, Jim Bob.”

Ignert: Ignorant. “Ah’ve figgered out what’s wrong with Congress. Most of ’em are just plain ignert.”

Ill: Angry, testy. “What’s wrong with Molly today? She’s ill as a hornet.”

Innerduce: To make one person acquainted with another. “Lemme innerduce you to my cousin. She’s a little on the heavy side, but she’s got a great personality.”

Iont: I don’t. “Iont know if Ah can eat another bobbycue (barbecue) or not.”

Jack-leg: Self taught, especially in reference to automobile mechanics and clergy-men. “He’s just a jack-leg preacher, but he sure knows how to put out the hellfire and brimstone.”

Jewant: Do you want. “Jewant to go over to the Red Rooster and have a few beers?”

Ka-yun: A sealed cylinder containing food. “If that woman didn’t have a kay-un opener, her family would starve to death.”

Kerosene cat in hell with gasoline drawers on: A colorful Southern expression used as as evaluation of someone’s ability to accomplish something. “He ain’t got no more chance than a kerosene cat in hell with gasoline drawers on.”

Kin: Related to. An Elizabethan expression, one of many which survived in the South. “Are you kin to him?” “Yeah, He’s my brother.”

Klect: To receive money to which one is entitled. “Ah don’t think you’ll ever klect that bill.”

Laht: A source of illumination. “This room’s too doc (dark). We need more laht in here.”

Lar: One who tells untruths. “Not all fishermen are lars. It’s just that a lot of lars fish.”

Layin’ up: Resting or meditating. Or as Southern women usually put it, loafing. “Cecil didn’t go to work today ’cause of a chronic case of laziness. He’s been layin’ up in the house all day, drivin’ me crazy.”

Let alone: Much less. “He can’t even hold a job and support himself, let alone support a family.”

Let out: Dismissed. “What time does school let out?”

Lick and a promise: To do something in a hurried or perfunctory fashion. “We don’t have time to clean this house so it’s spotless. Just give it a lick and a promise.”

Mahty raht: Correct. “You mahty raht about that, Awficer. Guess Ah WAS speedin’ a little bit.”

Make out: Yes, it means that in the South too, but it also means finish your meal. “You chirren (Children) hadn’t had nearly enough to eat. Make out your supper.”

Mind to: To have the intention of doing something. “Ah got a mind to quit my job and just loaf for a while.”

Nawth: Any part of the country outside the South _Midwest, California or whatever.If it’s not South, it’s Nawth. “People from up Nawth sure do talk funny.”

Nekkid: To be unclothed. “Did you see her in that movie? She was nekkid as a jaybird.”

Nemmine: Never mind, but used in the sense of difference. “It don’t make no nemmine to me.”

Of a moanin: Of a morning, meaning in the morning. “My daddy always liked his coffee of a moanin.”

Ownliest: The only one. “That’s the ownliest one Ah’ve got left.”

Parts: Buccaneers who sailed under the dreaded skull and crossbones. “See that third baseman? He just signed a big contrack with the Pittsburg Parts.”

PEEcans: Northerners call them peCONNS for some obscure reason. “Honey, go out in the yard and pick up a passel of PEEcans. Ah’m gonna make us a pie.”

Pert: Perky, full of energy. “You look mighty pert today.”

Pick at: To pester and annoy. “Jimmy, Ah told you not to pick at your little sister.”

Purtiest: The most pretty. “ain’t she the purtiest thing you ever seen?”

Quar: An organized choral group, usually connected with a church or school. “Did you hear the news? The preacher left his wife and run off with the quar director.”

Raffle: A long-barrelled firearm. “Dan’l Boone was a good shot with a raffle.”

Rahtnaow: At once. “Linda Sue, Ah want you to tell that boy it’s time to go home and come in the house rahtnaow.”

Ranch: A tool used to lossen or tighten nuts and bolts. “Hand me that ranch, Homer.”

Raut: A method of getting from one place to another which Southerners pronounce to rhyme with “kraut”. Yankees, for reasons that remain shrouded in mystery, pronounce “route” to rhyme with “root”. Or worse still, “foot.”

Restrunt: A place to eat. “New Yorker’s got a lot of good restrunts.”

Retard: No longer employed. “He’s retard now.”

Sass: Another Elizabethan term derived from the word saucy, meaning to speak in an impertinent manner. “Don’t sass me, young lady. You’re not too old to get a whippin’.”

Shainteer: Indicates the absence of a female. “Is the lady of the house in?” “Nope. Shainteer.”

Shudenoughta: Should not. “You shudenoughta have another drink.”

Spell: An indetermined length of time. “Let’s sit here and rest a spell.”

Stain: The opposite of leaving. “Ah hate this party, and Ah’m not stain much longer.”

Supper: The evening meal Southererners are having while Yankees are having dinner. “What’s for supper, honey?

Take on: To behave in a highly emotional manner. “Don’t take on like that, Brenda Sue. He’s not the only man in Lee County.”

Tal: What you dry off with after you take a share. “Would you bring me a tal, sweetheart?”

Tawt: To instruct. “Don’t pull that cat’s tail. Ah tawt you better’n that.”

Thank: Think. “Ah thank Ah’ll go to a movie tonight.”

That ole dawg won’t hunt no more: That will not work. “You want to borrow $20 when you still owe me fifty? That ole dawg won’t hunt no more.”

Tore up: Distraught, very upset. “His wife just left him, and he’s all tore up about it.”

Uhmewzin: Funny, comical. “Few things are more uhmewzin than a Yankee tryin’ to affect a Southern accent, since they invariably address one person as ‘y’all when any Southern six-year-old knows ‘y’all is always plural because it means ‘all of you.'”

Unbeknownst: Lacking knowledge of. “Unbeknownst to them, he had marked the cards.”

Usta: Used to. “Ah usta live in Savanah.”

Vaymuch: Not a whole lot, when expressed in the negative. “Ah don’t like this ham vaymuch.”

Wahn: What Jesus turned the water into, unless you’re Babdist who is persuaded it was only grape juice. “Could Ah have another glass of that wahn?”

Wars: Slender strands of coated copper that carry power over long distances. “They’re puttin’ telephone wars underground now.”

Wawk: A method of non-polluting travel by foot. “Why don’t we take an old-fashioned wawk?”

Wear out: An expression used to describe a highly-effective method of behavior modification in children. “When Ah get ahold of that boy, Ah’m gonna wear him out.”

Wender: A glass-covered opening in a wawl. “Open that wender, It’s too hot in here.”

Yat: A common greeting in the Irish Channel section of New Orleans. Instead of saying “hey” in lieu of “hello” the way most Southerners do, they say, “Where yat?”

Yew: Not a tree, but a personal pronoun. “Yew wanna shoot some pool?”

Y’heah?: A redundant expression tacked onto the end of sentences by Southerners. “Y’all come back soon, y’heah?”

Yontny: Do you want any. “Yontny more cornbread?”

Yungins: Also spelled younguns, meaning young ones. “Ah want all you yungins in bed in five minutes.”

Zit: Is it. “Zit already midnight, sugar? Tahm sure flies when you’re having fun.”

Taken from “More How To Speak Southern” written by Steve Mitchell


Twitter, Art, and Building Bridges

July 8, 2007

Are You a Twitter Ninja?

OK… so this is a first. I’m writing about a website. Well, a couple actually. This should be interesting.

So, I’m a Chris Pirillo fan. Yep, I’m a hard-core endorser of Pirillo’s Picks, and Chris Pirillo Live. Chris led me to check out www.Twitter.com, which, along with www.Twittermosaic.com, is what I’m writing about.

What is Twitter.com? You mean you don’t know? OMG! Where the hell have you been?

Twitter is: “A global community of friends and strangers answering one simple question: What are you doing?” You can answer on your phone, IM, or right here on the web!”

Yep, it’s that simple… what are you doing? right now? wherever you are …

It’s the craziest thing. It’s like “express blogging”. More than that, people will start following what you have to say. Now that REALLY blew me away. I’ve been on just a couple months, I’ve posted 1,800 lines of… “express blogs”, one-liners, comments, observations… you name it, I think I’ve probably touched on it. I’m up to 63 followers. People follow my meandering on the web, on their IM’s, on their phones. Of course, for the most part, I follow them back. The thing is, when someone adds me, I take a look at their profiles, and most of the time, they sound a lot like me… or at the very least, they sound like someone I would want to be freinds with. There are some very interesting individuals on there.

That would lead me to twittermosaic.com.

One day I get this new follower, named twitter_mosaics. I check out his bio and “twits”… seems interesting enough, so I add him. One day, he posts a link to a site called twittermosaic.com. I check it out, and am amazed to find the most amazing artistic renderings! Actual mosaics… not just plain mosaics, but beautiful artwork mosaics compiled of nothing but the icons of his twitter followers. I was really knocked over when I got to checking them out and found myself in one of the mosaics! (see Cactus followers)

This week, I was humbled and delighted to find myself in yet another of his fantastic renderings called “Blue Marble, Negative” ( See The Blue Marble, Negative)

It makes me feel like I’m part of history, in some way. Not only that, but as I scan through the icons, I find other Twitter friends there too. It’s almost like a snapshot in time. Twitter asks “what are you doing”, and http://www.twittermosaic.com answers with “these guys were twittering”. It’s a really, really cool thing to look at something that is outside, and larger, than yourself.

As for building bridges….

ok, so I mentioned “followers” and “following” in return. While I’m certainly not going to “name name’s” here, I have to say that I’m making some really good freinds on Twitter. Sure, they started out as “interesting folks”, but some of them are so much more than that. I’m making friends with people all over the globe. From housewives, to CEO’s…. we are all just people. Somehow, we find in each other that “one thing” that connects us. That’s all it takes… and the next thing you know, you find one more thing… then another, and another… and soon enough you aren’t just Twittering to the masses… you are sending direct messages… or you are looking forward to checking Twitter periodically just to see what your “freinds” had to say that day. Just like the things I write, some people make observations, some ask questions, some just say what they did for lunch, or what their dinner plans are. Some people make statements, some people make wishes, and some people make no sense whatsoever at times. The bottom line is, that eventually, you feel like you are part of something. You are part of that “global community” Twitter told you about on the welcome page. It’s a nice feeling.

I’m already making plans to see a new friend in person during my next trip to California. She ‘s a really cool lady, and then I found out she makes her own glass beads, which has been an interest of mine as well. I’m going to check out her studio, and take a lesson or two from her while there. Just another bridge I built… from Arkansas to California…. and I built it on Twitter.com.

So check it out. … and if you want to check me out, you’ll find me there as twila_zoned. Throw me a “Twit” sometime!

http://twitter.com/twila_zoned


More stuff to ponder…

July 4, 2007

The Truth Will Set You Free

The only completely consistent people are the dead.

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it’s a pretty good empty experience.

Anything is good if it’s made of chocolate.

I believe in getting into hot water… it keeps you clean.

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won’t have a leg to stand on.

Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

Since it’s the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

The second mouse gets the cheese.

When every thing’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Sex is like air. Only becomes really important when you aren’t getting any.

Don’t aspire to become irreplaceable.If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

Remember, no one is listening until you fart.

Never forget that you are unique, like everybody else.

Never test the depth of water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares whatever you are dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

If at first you don’t succeed, avoid skydiving.

Give a man a fish and will eat for a day.teach him how to fish, and he will sit on a boat and drink beer all day.

If you tell the truth,you don’t have to remember anything.

Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreens.

Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgments.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry and we get smacked on our ass. From then on in life gets worse.


I bet you didn’t know….

April 24, 2007

Did You Know…..?

Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented.
It was ruled “Gentlemen Only…Ladies Forbidden”…and
thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

——————————————-

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime
time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. (Lucy and
Ricky were only allowed twin beds. Remember?)

——————————————-

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the
U.S.Treasury.

——————————————-

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can
hear better.

——————————————-

Coca-Cola was originally green.

——————————————-

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

——————————————-

The State with the highest percentage of people who
walk to work: Alaska

——————————————-

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now
get this…)

——————————————-

The percentage of North America that is wilderness:
38%

————————————————————————————

The average cost of raising a medium-size dog to the
age of eleven: $6,400

————————————————————————————

The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in
any given hour: 61,000

————————————————————————————

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their
hair.

————————————————————————————

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom
Sawyer.

————————————————————————————

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile
National Monuments.

————————————————————————————

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a
great king from history:

Spades – King David

Hearts – Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander, the Great

Diamonds – Julius Caesar

————————————————————————————

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
(Awesome)

————————————————————————————

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has
both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air the person
died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the
horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died
of natural causes.

————————————————————————————

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence
on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of
the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature
wasn’t added until 5 years later.

————————————————————————————

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace

————————————————————————————

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most
popular boat name requested?

A. Obsession

————————————————————————————

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you
have to go until you would find the letter “A”?

A. One thousand

————————————————————————————

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield
wipers, and laser printers all have in common?

A. All were invented by women.

————————————————————————————

Q. What is the only food that doesn’t spoil?

A. Honey

——————————————————————————–

Q. Which day are there usually more collect calls than
any other day of the year?

A. Father’s Day

————————————————————————————

In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed
frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the
mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on.
Hence the phrase……… “goodnight, sleep tight.”

————————————————————————————

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years
ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s
father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead
he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their
calendar was lunar based, this period was called the
honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

————————————————————————————

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts..
So in old England , when customers got unruly, the
bartender would yell at them “Mind your pints and
quarts, and settle down.”

It’s where we get the phrase “mind your P’s and Q’s”

——————————————————————————-

Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a
whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their
ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the
whistle to get some service. “Wet your whistle” is the
phrase inspired by this practice.

————————————————————————————

In the 1400’s a law was set forth in England that a
man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no
thicker than his thumb. Hence we have “the rule of
thumb”

——————————————- —————————–

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

————————————————————————————

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick
their elbow!

————————————————————————————

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when…

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in
years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your
family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next
to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends
and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell
phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in
the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at
the bottom of the screen..

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which
you didn’t even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years
of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn
around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before
getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. 🙂

12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are
going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this
list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there
wasn’t a #9 on this list.


Southern Girls & Football Season: North vs. South

April 22, 2007

Just to give some more insight into us Southern girls:

Football Season:
North vs. South

WOMEN’S ATTIRE
Up North: Chapstick in their back pocket and a $20 bill in their front pocket.
Down South: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, powder, mascara (waterproof), concealer, and a fifth of bourbon. Wallet not necessary – that’s what dates are for.

STADIUM SIZE
Up north: College football stadiums hold 20,000.
Down south: High school football stadiums hold 20,000

WEATHER
Up North: Snow and Ice.
Down South: Sunny, highs mid-60s, lows in the teens.

FATHERS
Up North: Expect their daughter to understand Sylvia Plath.
Down South: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.

ATTIRE
Up North: Male and female alike: woolly sweater or sweatshirt, jeans.
Down South: Male – pressed khakis, oxford shirt, cap with frat logo, Justin Ropers. Female – ankle-length skirt, coordinated cardigan, flat riding boots, oxford.

ALUMNI
Up North: Take prospects on sailing trips before they join the law firm.
Down South: Take prospects on fishing trips so they don’t leave for the NFL their senior year.

CAMPUS DECOR
Up North: Statues of Founding Fathers.
Down South: Statues of Founding Fathers and Heisman Trophy winners.

HOMECOMING QUEEN
Up North: Also a physics major.
Down South: Also Miss USA.

HEROES
Up North: Mario Cuomo
Down South: “Bear” Bryant

GETTING TICKETS
Up North: 5 days before the game you can walk into the ticket office on campus and still purchase tickets.
Down South: 5 months before the game you can walk into the ticket office on campus and still be placed on the waiting list for tickets.

FRIDAY CLASSES AFTER A THURSDAY NIGHT GAME
Up North: Students and Teachers are not sure if they are going because they have class on Friday.
Down South: Teachers cancel class on Friday because they don’t want to see the few hungover students that might actually make it to class on Friday.

PARKING
Up North: An hour or two before game time the university opens the campus for game parking.
Down South: RV’s sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend’s festivities. The real faithful begin arriving on Tuesday.

GAME DAY
Up North: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
Down South: every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting Game Day “Live” to get on camera and wave to the idiots from up North who wonder why game day is never broadcast from their campus.

TAILGATING
Up North: Raw meat on the grill, beer with a lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
Down South: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by Hootie & the Blowfish, who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off your bottle of bourbon.

GETTING TO THE STADIUM
Up North: You have to ask, “Where’s the stadium?” When you find it you walk right in with no line.
Down South: When you’re near it, you’ll hear it. On game day, it becomes the state’s third largest city.

CONCESSIONS
Up North: Drinks served in a paper cup filled to the top with soda.
Down South: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team’s mascot — filled less than halfway to ensure enough room for bourbon.

WHEN THE NATIONAL ANTHEM IS PLAYED
Up North: Stands are less than half full.
Down South: 100,000+ fans sing along in perfect 3-part harmony.

THE SMELL IN THE AIR AFTER THE FIRST SCORE
Up North: Nothing changes.
Down South: Fireworks with a twist of bourbon.

COMMENTARY (MALE)
Up North: “Nice play.”
Down South: “Dammit you slow sumbitch — tackle him and break his legs!!!”

COMMENTARY (FEMALE)
Up North: “My, this is a violent sport.”
Down South: “Dammit you slow sumbitch — tackle him and break his legs!!!”

AFTER THE GAME
Up North: the stadium is empty before the game ends.
Down South: Another rack of ribs on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, planning begins for next year’s party.


A Southerner Knows… (more “Southern-isms”)

April 22, 2007

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don’t “HAVE” them, you “PITCH” them.
_____
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up “a mess.”
_____
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of “yonder.”
_____
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long “directly” is, as in: “Going to town, be back directly.”
_____
Even Southern babies know that “Gimme some sugar” is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
_____
All Southerners know exactly when “by and by” is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
_____
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who’s got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor’s trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
_____
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between “right near” and “a right far piece.” They also know that “just down the road” can be 1 mile or 20! .
_____
Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol’ boy, and po’ white trash.
_____
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
_____
A Southerner knows that “fixin” can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
_____
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, and when we’re “in line” , we talk to everybody!
_____
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they’re related, even if only by marriage.
_____
In the South, y’all is singular, all y’all is plural.
_____
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
_____
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
___
When you hear someone say, “Well, I caught myself lookin’,” you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner !
_____
Only true Southerners say “sweet tea” and “sweet milk.” Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it — we do not like our tea unsweetened. “Sweet milk” means you don’t want buttermilk.
_____
And a true Southerner knows you don’t scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,”Bless her heart” … and go your own way.
_____
To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness:
Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning.
Bless your heart!
_____
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, … bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin’ to have classes on Southernness as a second language!