Things I’ve learned from watching horror movies

May 6, 2007

 

• I learned that if the house you are living in tells you to “GO AWAY,” do it. Now.
• If you’re a virgin, stay that way.
• If a killer with a knife is chasing you around the house, do NOT go upstairs. Go out the front door, you idiot!
• For God’s sake, turn on the lights.
• Never split up.
• Never stoop over to see if the killer is dead. He’s not.
• Never get naked in front of a window.
• Avoid the following geographical locations: Amityville, Elm Street, Crystal Lake, Transylvania, many islands, lover’s lanes, most secluded mountain resorts and all small towns in the state of Maine.
• Never pick up hitchhikers.
• If a small town off the highway is deserted, it’s probably for a very good reason.
• If your speedometer suddenly starts turning backward, trade the car. Now.
• Never dig up strange-looking objects in the woods.
• Never bury pets or loved ones in old Native American burial grounds, because they aaaalways come back…. Muahahaha!
• As a general rule, don’t try to solve puzzles that open doorways to Hell.
• Find out what your parents were up to when they were younger. You never know if they burned up a serial killer, had a mysterious “other child,” are not your real parents, or opened up a doorway to Hell.
• Ask yourself seriously, “Do I really want to float?”
• If there is a knock on the door in the middle of the night, but no one appears at the peephole, do NOT open the door and step outside to see who’s there.
• Never turn your back to a door. Ever.
• Never assume it’s your naked boyfriend/girlfriend under the sheet.
• Never mess with DNA. For any reason.
• No sex in graveyards.
• Keep your car filled with gas, tuned up, and for God’s sake keep your keys with you!
• On Halloween, there is no such thing as “coincidence.”
• Never stay overnight in the old house at the end of town that’s supposed to be haunted. Let them think you’re chicken. Even if the prize is one million dollars. It’s not worth it.
• Pig’s blood does not make for a good practical joke.
• The guy conducting an “insomnia study” in the spookiest old mansion in town that no one will approach after dark is not telling you the truth.
• Watch out for the guy with an accent purchasing the abbey next door who works the night shift.
• If you’re alone in the house and something calls out your name, leave immediately through the nearest exit. If there is no exit, make one.
• When you’ve shot the monster six times to no effect, don’t bother throwing the gun at it. It will do you no good.
• Do not answer distress calls from deserted planets that never see daylight.
• Don’t touch the TV that calls your name.
• When the power goes out, do not go into the basement armed only with a candle to see if the fuse is out.
• Reasons to consider moving out of that great house that was such a bargain: bleeding walls, disembodied voices, too many flies, a room in the basement painted red that wasn’t on the blueprints, phone service that seems to come and go, windows that look like eyes, finding out horrible murders were committed in the house, secret passages behind the bookcases, all your neighbors loooove to cook. clean and do housework.
• In fact, when these things start happening, just set fire to the house. It always ends that way anyway and you’ll save time.
• There is no good reason why anyone’s eyes should glow red.
• The crank caller breathing heavily into the phone is already in your house.
• Children speaking in deep, scary voices should be listened to.
• There IS a boogeyman.
• If a kid says, “I see dead people,” believe him.
• If you just ripped your phone out of the wall and it rings anyway, DON’T ANSWER IT!
• Clothing to avoid: capes, high heels, ancient amulets you don’t understand.
• Never break quarantine.
• People wearing hockey masks, ski masks or any Halloween costume that covers the face should be avoided.
• The crazy old guy everybody laughs at knows what he’s talking about.
• Leprechauns really don’t want to grant you three wishes.
• Elevators going up and down by themselves have something wrong with them that a maintenance man can’t fix.
• Do not attempt to kill your spouse for her inheritance/life insurance/to marry your secretary. You will not get the results you seek.
• Reasons you are probably toast: you’re a mayor, sheriff, high school principal or some other person of authority who doesn’t believe in the monster; a lawyer, politician, CEO of a polluting corporation or similar sleazeball; a cop, doctor or similar adult trying to help the kids; you are obsessed with sex and/or drugs; your boobs are bigger than your brain; your name does not appear among the first three in the credits.
• Never open the locked door.
• Don’t go in the water.
• Pay attention to dogs, cats, horses and other more intelligent creatures. If they’re nervous, scram.
• When using a matter transporter, triple-check the pod for flies.
• Don’t mess with the gypsies.
• Never repeat any names while staring into the bathroom mirror.
• Skip the shortcut.
• Never take anything from a clown in a sewer.
• If the price of that really neat knickknack includes “a favor,” you don’t want it.
• You won’t be right back.
• Don’t pick on the miserable geek or the ugly, unpopular girl. You’ll get yours.
• The aliens are not friendly.
• No, it’s not your imagination.

•They ARE out to get you and it IS as bad as it seems!

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Some of My Favorite Freeware

February 16, 2007

Did someone say free? Oh wait! That was me!

I am always on the lookout for great freeware. I’m talking totally free, make my life easier, tweak my system, just for fun stuff. With all the free open source alternatives, I just can’t see paying for software in this day and age. The only thing worse is hearing a friend of mine tell me they just spent a STUPID amount of money on something they could have gotten for free (and often, better!) .

While I’m sure there are even better alternatives to the ones I’m gonna list, these are programs that I use almost daily. These are easy to install, work, and most programs are “set ’em and forget ’em”.

For free copyrighting of your material, try common creations at: http://www.commoncreations.com
or
my free copyright at:
http://www.myfreecopyright.com/

Want to add some new fonts?
Check out creamundo at:
http://www.creamundo.com/index.php?lang=en
(you can try out the font before you even download it!)
OR
Fontface
http://www.fontface.com/
OR
wanted fonts
http://www.wantedfonts.com/
OR
betterfonts
http://betterfonts.com/

How about photo tools?
For free brushes at brusheezy
http://www.brusheezy.com/brushes
OR
For the most kick-ass photo tips, DIY projects, and gear : photomojo at:
http://www.photojojo.com/
OR
For photo retouching, image composition, and image authoring: The GIMP at
http://www.download.com/The-GIMP/3003-2192_4-10635470.html?tag=lst-0-1

How about Licensed Software Free For the Taking LEGALLY!
FREE SOFTWARE at give away of the day:
http://www.giveawayoftheday.com/
FREE GAMES at game give away of the day at:
http://game.giveawayoftheday.com/

How often have you carefully selected some text from a Web page and copied it to an email message? Snippy makes this a snap!
http://www.bhelpuri.net/Snippy/default.htm

The ULTIMATE Windows Media Player Plug-In resource:
http://www.wmplugins.com/

Protect your pc for free!
Against spyware:(SPYBOT:search and destroy)
http://www.spybot.info/en/download/index.html
OR
Against adware:(ADAWARE SE PERSONAL)
http://www.lavasoftusa.com/products/ad-aware_se_personal.php
OR
ANTI-VIRUS PROTECTION (I’ve been using this for years!) AVG personal edition:
http://www.download.com/AVG-Anti-Virus-Free-Edition/3000-2239_4-10320142.html
AND
All-in-One SECRETMAKER is designed for everybody who wants to avoid computer crashes and protect their privacy. IT combines several powerful tool and includes a Spam Fighter, Pop-Up Blocker, Cookie Eraser, History Cleaner, Privacy Protector, Banner Blocker and a Worm Hunter. Go to :
http://www.secretmaker.com/

How about free dvd burners/decrypters?
BURN 4 FREE at:
http://www.burn4free.com/
OR
DVD SHRINK at:
http://www.dvdshrink.org/what.html
OR
DVD DECRYPTER
http://www.dvddecrypter.org.uk/
AND FINALLY
IMGBURN is a lightweight CD / DVD / HD DVD / Blu-ray burning application ((CATCH THAT? BLU_RAY BURNER!!!)) get it at:
http://www.imgburn.com/

For the ultimate guide to drivers and firmware go to the driver guide at:
http://driverguide.com/

Want a free auto-expiring telephone number?
CRAIGSNUMBER at:
http://craigsnumber.com/

If you wanna build a remote control lawnmower:
VIDEO

DETAILED INSTRUCTIONS
http://members.iinet.net.au/%7Etnpshow/RCLM/intro.htm

For wasting countless hours doing nothing I give you “PERPETUAL BUBBLEWRAP”. Yes, for the ultimate in time wasting, simply roll your mouse over the bubble wrap to see and hear a satisfying ‘pop’ as the bubble bursts and then reappear. Go to:
http://www.urban75.com/Mag/bubble.html

To send off for totally free crap:
(You wouldn’t BELIEVE the crap I’ve gotten for free from this site!)
http://www.totallyfreecrap.com/

If you have Firefox, these are ESSENTIAL add-ins!

Free long distance? Free mobile? (OMG! I LOVE THIS DAMN SERVICE!)
http://www.jajah.com/

Do you listen to music while surfing the Web?
FoxyTunes is a free browser add-on that allows you to control your favorite media players without ever leaving the browser and more…
FOXY TUNES at:
http://www.foxytunes.com/

Cooliris Previews is a free browser add-on that lets you preview links without clicking or leaving your current page. It is an AWESOME timesaver! Get COOLIRIS at:
http://www.cooliris.com

If your searching for particular types of programs, I highly suggest :
http://www.giveawayoftheday.com/freeware/
OR
Chris Pirillo (My Hero!)
http://chris.pirillo.com/
(I love this guy!)
OR
http://www.download.com/
OR
GRC’s popular freeware
http://www.grc.com/freepopular.htm

I originally made this list for my freinds, but then I thought, hey…. someone else may need a freebie today. If you know of any super cool freeware you think I should know about…. tell a woman!!!

Enjoy!


My Friends “To Do List” for When I Die

January 31, 2007

OK… so most of you know this already, but it never hurts to reiterate, since we were probably drunk when we had the original conversation…

When I die, do NOT bury me, CREAMATE me. I’d prefer a huge funeral pyre blazing on a make-shift wooden raft right around mdnight in the middle of a picturesque lake located in a beautiful valley and surrounded by rugged mountains, and thanks for asking. Yeah, yeah, yeah….. I know… how often did I ever get exactly what I wanted out of life, and why the hell would I possibly expect it to be any different after I’m dead?

Do NOT put me on some somber display and mourn my death. Don’t cry, or try to be quiet with murmurs and whispers in what some call “respect”. If you love me, and know me at all, then you know I’d hate that. Instead, build a bonfire by the afore mentioned lake, party like you’re 21 again, plaster my picture on one of the kegs or coolers, and celebrate my departure. Be happy for me, ’cause i’ll FINALLY be far away from Wynne, with no chance of ever having to return. I’m pretty sure Amanda can supply you with the appropriate photo. She displayed it on her mom’s fridge for YEARS. Try to do it on some private property somewhere, with permission of the owner, of course, so the cops can’t bother you.

For the music, grab my cd case and crank up the volume. Sarah and Steve know my favorites. Hell, Sarah still has my absolute favorite cd, and Steve has copies of my top 50 tunes. LOL! But for the very last song… the epitaph… the eulogy… the final farewell… I want you guys to raise your glasses, flick your bics, smoke a fatty if ya wanna, and play “I’m moving on” by Rascal Flats. It fit me the first day I heard it, it fits me to this day, and it will still fit me when I’m gone. And yes, kimmie, I’d be thrilled for you to lace a hog-leg with my ashes and smoke me up, so I could be with you “forever and ever”. It might just be the sweetest, smoothest smokin’ thing you ever toked on!

Don’t think for a second you have to talk about “the niceties” of my life, or the rougher times I made it through. Instead, tell the stories of the stupidist things you ever remember me doing. Talk about my dumbass ideas, hair-brained schemes, off-beat ideas, and the goofy quirks I had. I once read “you are only as strong as the tables you dance on, the drinks you mix, and the friends you roll with”, so party hard, drink hard, hugg each other hard, and remember that i loved you, and would do anything for you. I’ll be with you always, and you’ll know when I’m there. I’ll be the thought that makes you laugh out loud in the middle of silence . When you trip over your own two feet, or lose sometthing you just sat down in front of you… that would be me fucking with you. When your watching porn and need to suddenly turn down the volume or go to a black screen because someones suddenly walking in unannounced, I’ll be the reason you can’t find the remote, the volume suddenly blairs and the power button is stuck. When you just can’t believe something that stupid happened… I caused it. I’ll also be the tune you find yourself humming, the $20 you didn’t know you had, and the dumb-luck that saved your ass.

So… don’t miss me when i’m gone, ’cause I won’t be!


I Was Wondering…

January 18, 2007

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would the still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?

If I break the laws of Physics do I go to jail?

Will you die if you get scared half to death twice?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, than who is the fool who said, “Quit while you’re ahead”?

Sooner or later doesn’t EVERYONE stop smoking?

Why can’t we make newspapers that don’t smudge?

Why doesn’t onomatopoeia sound like what it is?

If you choke a Smurf what color would it turn?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have a s in it?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation or a murder?

Why does the psychic hotline ask for your credit card number? Shouldn’t they already know it?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone is going to clean them?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

What’s another word for thesaurus?

If you throw your pet cat out the window of your car does it bec0me cat litter?

Why is it called a TV “set” when you only get one?

How did a fool and his money get together?

Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address you turn the radio down?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called a shipment but when you transport something by ship it is called cargo?

If you have an open mind is there a chance your brain might fall out?

If the entire world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Why in a country with freedom of speech are there phone bills?

Why is it that when you tell a person that there are 400 billion stars in the sky and he’ll believe you, tell him a bench is wet and he has to touch it? ,

How do I set my laser printer on stun gun?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Who really took the bite out of the Apple logo?

Why when you say a color a lot does it start to sound really strange?

How many licks does it really take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

If 75% of all accidents occur within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

If the cops arrest a mime do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Isn’t the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?


If it is zero degrees outside today and it is supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

What does Geronimo yell when he jumps out of a plane?


My Book of Bullshit Laws

January 12, 2007

  • The Airplane Law: When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.
  • (Agnes) Allen’s Law: Almost anything is easier to get into than out of. Anderson’s Law: Any system or program, however complicated, if looked at in exactly the right way, will become even more complicated.
  • Baldy’s Law: Some of anything plus the rest of anything equals the whole thing.
  • Becker’s Law: Finding a job is more difficult than keeping a job.
  • Beckhap’s Law: Beauty times brains equals a constant.
  • Benchley’s Law: There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don’t. Berkeley’s Laws: 1) Most problems have either many answers or no answer. Only a few problems have a single answer. 2) An answer may be wrong, right, both, or neither; most answers are partly right and partly wrong. 3) A chain of reasoning is no stronger than its weakest link. 4) An exception tests a rule; it never proves it. 5) If there is an opportunity to make a mistake, sooner or later the mistake will be made. 6) Being sure mistakes will occur is a good frame of mind for catching them. 7) A great many problems do not have accurate answers, but do have approximate answers, from which sensible decisions can be made.
  • Blauw’s Law: Established technology tends to persist in spite of new technology.
  • Bohr’s Law: The crazier the theory, the more likely it’s correct and the harder to understand, the more likely published.
  • Bok’s Law: The cost of education is nothing compared to the cost of ignorance.
  • Boob’s Law: You will always find what you’re looking for in the last place you look.
  • Booker’s Law: An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction (i. e., 16000:1).
  • Boyle’s Laws: 1) The deficiency will never show itself during the dry runs. 2) Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce multiple interpretations. Brooke’s Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
  • Buchwald’s Law: When the economy gets better everything else gets worse.
  • Bucy’s Law: Nothing worthwhile has ever been accomplished by a reasonable man.
  • Camp’s Law: A coup known in advance is one that does not take place.
  • Carson‘s Law: It’s better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.
  • Cayo’s Law: The only time an event will start on time is when you’re not.
  • Cheops’ Law: [aka Pournelle’s] Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
  • Chisholm’s Laws: 2) When things are going well, something will go wrong. 3) Proposals, as understood by the proposer, will be judged otherwise by others.
  • Clarke’s Laws: 1) When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right; when he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong. 2) The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible. 3) Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
  • Clopton’s Law: For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill.
  • Clyde‘s Law: The longer you put off something that needs to be done, the greater the probability that it will be done by someone else.
  • Cohen’s Law: What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on the facts, not the facts themselves.
  • Cole’s Law: [coleslaw] shredded cabbage with slaw dressing
  • Comins’s Law: People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.
  • Considine’s Law: Whenever one word or letter can change the entire meaning of a sentence, the probability of an error will be in direct proportion to the resultant embarrassment.
  • Conway‘s Law: In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on.
  • Cooke’s Law: The amount of relevant information available on which to base a decision is inversely proportional to the importance of the decision.
  • Cook’s Law: Much work, much food; little work, little food; no work, burial at sea.
  • Cooper’s Law: In technical writing, a word not understood may be ignored with negligible loss of comprehension.
  • Cornuelle’s Law: Authority tends to assign jobs to those least capable to do them.
  • Corry’s Law: Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
  • Crane’s Law: There ain’t no such thing as a free lunch. (“tanstaafl”)
  • Cropp’s Law: The amount of work done is inversely proportional to the amount of office time.
  • Deadlock’s Law: If the law-makers make a compromise, the place where it will be felt most is the taxpayer’s pocket.
  • Deighton’s Law: You can’t make women happy.
  • Dieter’s Law: The best tasting food has the most calories.
  • DeNever’s Law: The simplest subjects are the ones you know nothing about.
  • Donohue’s Law: Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.
  • Donsen’s Law: The specialist learns more and more about less and less until, finally, he knows everything about nothing; whereas the generalist learns less and less about more and more until, finally, he knows nothing about everything.
  • Doorkey Law: A person’s status is equal to the number of doors that person can open divided by the number of keys needed, from those with keys without doors up to those for whom doors are opened without keys.
  • Dow’s Law: The higher the level in a hierarchy, the greater the confusion.
  • Drazen’s Law: The time to unfoul a foul-up is inversely proportional to the time it took to do fouling-up. (see Wolf’s Law)
  • Dror’s Laws: 1) While the difficulties and dangers of problems tend to increase at a geometrically, the knowledge and qualified manpower needed to deal with them tend to increase linearly. 2) While human capacities to shape the environment, society, and human beings are rapidly increasing, policymaking capabilities to utilize them remain the same.
  • Dyer’s Law: Paper flow implies more paper flow.
  • Dykstra’s Law: Everybody’s somebody’s weirdo.
  • Epstein’s Law: An unsolved problem is bad, but a “solved” problem is worse.
  • Faber’s Laws: 1) If there isn’t a law, there will be. 2) The number of errors in any piece of writing rises proportionately to the writer’s reliance on secondary sources.
  • Fairfax‘s Law: [fair facts] Any facts which, when included in the argument, give the desired result, are fair facts for the argument.
  • Fetridge’s Law: Important things that are supposed to happen don’t, especially when others are watching.
  • Finagle’s Laws: 1) If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. 2) No matter what the experiment’s result, there will always be someone eager to: (a) misinterpret it. (b) fake it. or (c) believe it supports his own pet theory. 3) In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. 4) Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
  • Finnegan’s Law: The further away the future the better it looks.
  • Finnigan’s Law: That which is most obviously correct, beyond all apparent need to check, is the mistake.
  • Firestone’s Law: Chicken Little only has to be right once to be right.
  • Fitz-Gibbon’s Law: Creativity is inversely proportional to the number of cooks involved with the broth.
  • Flap’s Law: Any inanimate object, regardless of its composition or configuration, may be expected to perform at any time in a totally unexpected manner for reasons that are either entirely obscure or completely mysterious.
  • Fowler’s Law: In a bureaucracy, accomplishment is inversely proportional to the volume of paper used.
  • Frankel’s Law: Whatever happens in government could have happened differently, and it usually would have been better if it had.
  • Freeman’s Law: Nothing is so simple it cannot be misunderstood.
  • Fried’s Law: Ideas endure and prosper in inverse proportion to their soundness and validity.
  • Frisch’s Law: You cannot have a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
  • Fyfe’s Laws: 1) Information necessitiating a change in plans will be communicated to the planner after — and only after — the plans are complete. 2) The more innocuous the change in plans appears the great the change will actually be. 3) It is always simpler to start over from scratch than make changes in a plan already started. 4) The more carefully and painstakingly a sample is analysed the greater the probablitity it will be found irrelevant.
  • Gadarene Swine Law: Merely because the group is in formation does not mean that the group is on the right course.
  • Galbraith’s Law: Anyone who says he is not going to, four times, definitely will.
  • Gerrold’s Law: A little ignorance can go a long way.
  • Gershwin’s Law: It ain’t necessarily so.
  • Glatum’s Law: The perceived usefulness of an article is inversely proportional to its actual usefulness once bought and paid for.
  • Godin’s Law: Generalized incompetence is directly proportional to hierarchal rank.
  • Gold’s Law: If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.
  • Goodfader’s Law: The few who are best will better the rest.
  • Gordon’s First Law: If a project is not worth doing at all, it’s not worth doing well.
  • Grabel’s Law: Two does not equal three, even for very large values of two.
  • Green’s Law: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
  • Gresham‘s Law: Trivial matters are handled promptly; important matters are never resolved.
  • Grosch’s Law: Computing power is proportional to the square of the cost.
  • Gross’s Law: When two people meet to decide how to spend a third person’s money, fraud will result.
  • Gualtieri’s Law: Where there’s a will, there’s a won’t.
  • Gummidge’s Law: [aka Prof. Corey’s] “Expertise” is inversely proportional to number of statements understood by public.
  • Gumperson’s Law: The probability of anything happening is in inverse proportion to its desirability.
  • Haldane’s Law: The Universe is not only queerer than we imagine, it is queerer than we CAN imagine.
  • Hane’s Law: There’s no limit to how bad things can get.
  • Harden’s Law: Whenever you have a terrific idea, someone else thought of it first.
  • Hardin’s Law: You can never do merely one thing.
  • Harris’ Law: Any philosophy that can be put “in a nutshell” belongs there.
  • Hartley’s Laws: 1) You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back you’ve got something. 2) If you go to bed with anybody crazier than you are, you are crazier than they are.
  • Hart’s Law: In a country as big as the United States, you can find fifty examples of anything.
  • Harvard Law: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, any experimental organism will do as it damn well pleases.
  • Harver’s Law: A drunken man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.
  • Hein’s Law: Problems worthy of attack prove their worth by hitting back.
  • Hellrung’s Law: If you wait, it will go away.
  • Herblock’s Law: If it’s good, they’ll stop making it.
  • Herrnstein’s Law: The total attention paid to an instructor is a constant regardless of the size of the class.
  • Hildebrand’s Law: The quality of a department is inversely proportional to the number of courses listed in its catalog.
  • Hiram’s Law: If you consult enough experts, you can confirm anything, (but too many experts disconfirm it.)
  • Hoare’s Law: Inside every large program is a small program struggling to get out.
  • Hofstadter’s Law: Things take twice as long as expected, even if you have allowed twice as much time.
  • Howe’s Law: Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
  • Iles’s Law: There is an easier way to do it.
  • Imhoff’s Law: In a bureaucracy, like a septic tank, the really big chunks always rise to the top.
  • Jacob’s Law: To err is human, to blame someone else even moreso.
  • Jenkinson’s Law: It won’t work.
  • Juhani’s Law: The cost of a compromise will always be more than that of either of compromised alternatives.
  • Julian’s Law: The one size that fits everyone doesn’t fit anyone.
  • Katz’s Law: Men and women will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.
  • Kelley’s Law: Last guys don’t finish nice.
  • Kelly’s Law: Nothing’s as simple as it seems
  • Kirkland‘s Law: The usefulness of any meeting is inversely proportional to the attendance.
  • Kitman’s Law: Pure drivel drives out ordinary drivel.
  • Klipstein’s Law: Tolerances will accumulate unidirectionally toward maximum difficulty of assembly.
  • Knight’s Law: Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans.
  • Koppett’s Law: The probability of an outcome with the greatest inconvenience for the largest number approaches 100%.
  • <li class=”MsoNormal” style=””>Konigsberg‘s Law: 80% of success is showing up.

  • Kristol’s Law: Being frustrated is disagreeable, but real disasters begin with getting what you want.
  • Langin’s Law: If things were left to chance, they’d be better.
  • Langsam’s Law: Everything depends.
  • Larkinson’s Law: 100% of laws are basically false.
  • La Rochefoucauld’s Law: Distrusting one’s friends is more shameful than being deceived by them.
  • Last Law: If something did not go wrong, it should have.
  • Leahy’s Law: A thing done wrong enough times becomes right, (but too many times even wronger.)
  • Le Chatelier’s Law: If some stress is brought to bear on a system in equilibrium, the equilibrium is displaced in the direction which tends to undo the effect of the stress.
  • Lord Falkland’s Law: Whenever it is unecessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to make a decision.
  • Lover’s Law: A dandelion from a lover is better than an orchid from a friend.
  • Lowery’s Law: If it jams, it needs to be forced; if it breaks when being forced, it needed replacing anyway.
  • Lubarsky’s Law: There’s always one more bug.
  • Lubin’s Law: If another scientist thought your research was more important than his, he would drop what he is doing and do what you are doing.
  • Luce’s Law: No good deed goes unpunished.
  • Lynch’s Law: When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.
  • Lyon‘s Law: He who hesitates is last.
  • Maier’s Law: If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
  • Malek’s Law: The simpler the idea the greater the complexity with which it will be communicated.
  • Malinowski’s Law: From the safety of a developed civilization, the crudity and irrelevance of magic is most visible.
  • Matsch’s Law: A horrible ending is better than endless horrors.
  • May’s Law: The quality of the correlation is inversely proportional to the density of the control (the fewer the facts, the smoother the curves).
  • McGoon’s Law: The probability of winning is inversely proportional to the amount of the wager.
  • McGovern’s Law: The longer the title the less important is the corresponding job.
  • McGurk’s Law: Any improbable event which would create maximum confusion if it did occur, will occur.
  • McLaughlin’s Law: The length of a meeting is inversely porportional to the length of the agenda.
  • Mencken’s Law: Those who can, do; those who can’t, teach; those who can’t teach, administrate.
  • Mencken’s Metalaw: For every human problem, there is a neat, simple solution which is always wrong.
  • McGee’s First Law: It’s amazing how long it takes to complete something you’re not working on.
  • Meyer’s Law: The best thing to do is the most difficult.
  • Miksch’s Law: If a string has one end it has two.
  • Miller’s Law: You can’t tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it.
  • MIST Law: [man-in-street] The probability of being observed is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
  • Mondale’s Law: If you think you understand, you are actually hopelessly confused.
  • Mosher’s Law: Retiring too soon is better than retiring too late.
  • Mrs. Parkinson’s Law: Heat produced by pressure expands to fill the mind available, from which it can pass only to a cooler mind.
  • Muir’s Law: [aka Commoner’s 1st] Everything is connected to everything else.
  • Munnecke’s Law: If you don’t say it, they can’t repeat it.
  • (Evvie) Nef’s Law: There is a solution to every problem; the only difficulty is finding it.
  • Nessen’s Law: The credibility of a secret source is greater than that of a known one.
  • Nies’ Law: The energy expended by a bureaucracy in minimizing any error is directly proportional to the magnitude of the error.
  • N – 1 Law: The last of a set is the most difficult to find.
  • Obvious Law: It only seems as though you mustn’t be deceived by appearances.
  • Orion’s Law: Everything breaks down.
  • Osborn’s Law: Variables won’t; constants aren’t.
  • Papagiannis’ Law: Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
  • Pareto’s Law (aka The 20/80 Law): 20% of the customers account for 80% of the turnover, 20% of the components account for 80% of the cost, and so forth.
  • Parkinson’s Laws: 1) Work expands to fill the time available for its completion; the thing to be done swells in perceived importance and complexity in a direct ratio with the time to be spent in its completion. 2) Expenditures rise to meet income. 3) Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay. 4) The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done. 5) If there is a way to delay an important decision the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. 6) The progress of science is inversely proportional to the number of journals published.
  • Pascal’s Law: The intelligent with originality see others’.
  • Patton’s Law: A good plan today is better than a perfect one tomorrow.
  • Peer’s Law: The solution to a problem changes the problem, but cannot solve it.
  • The Perversity of Nature Law: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
  • Pierson’s Law: If you’re coasting, you’re going downhill.
  • Plotnick’s Law: The delay in a departure time will is porportional to the square of the number of people involved.
  • Potter’s Law: The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely proportional to that subject’s true value.
  • Poulsen’s Law: When anything is used to its full potential (aka breaking point), it will break.
  • Price’s Law: If everyone doesn’t want it, no one gets it.
  • Pudder’s Law: Anything that begins well ends badly. Anything that begins badly ends worse.
  • Puritan’s Law: Evil is live spelled backwards.
  • Putney’s Law: If a democratic people are allowed the freedom to do so, they will vote away the freedoms essential to that democracy.
  • Putt’s Law: Technology is dominated by two types of people — those who understand what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand.
  • Raspberry Jam Law: The wider any culture is spread, the thinner it gets.
  • Research Law: Enough research will tend to support your theory (but too much won’t).
  • Revelation Law: The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
  • Rawson’s First Law: As soon as you dispose of a book, a pressing need to refer to it will arise.
  • Roemer’s Law: Hospital admissions are vary with the number of beds.
  • Rudin’s Law: In crises that force people to choose among alternate courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible.
  • Runamok’s Law: There are four kinds of people: (a) those who sit quietly and do nothing, (b) those who talk about sitting quietly and doing nothing, (c) those who do things, and (d) those who talk about doing things.
  • Runyon’s Law: The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that’s the higher probability.
  • Ryan’s Law: Three consecutive correct guesses establishs you as an expert.
  • Sattinger’s Law: It works better if you plug it in.
  • Schmidt’s Law: If you mess with a thing long enough, it’ll break.
  • Schuckit’s Law: 100% of interference in human conduct has the potential for causing harm, no matter how innocuous.
  • Schultze’s Law: If you can’t measure output, measuring input is preferable to not measuring at all.
  • Scott’s Laws: 1) The probability of something wrong looking right is greater than that of it looking wrong. 2) When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been correct in the first place.
  • Seay’s Law: Nothing ever comes out as planned.
  • (Seeger’s Law: Anything in parentheses can be ignored.)
  • Segal’s Law: A man with a watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches is never sure.
  • Selective Gravity Law: An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
  • Sells’ Law: The first sample is the best sample.
  • Service’s Law: It’s later than you think.
  • Sevareid’s Law: The chief cause of problems is solutions.
  • Shanahan’s Law: A meeting’s length is inversely proportional to the square of the number of attendees and its productivity inversely proportional to its length. (see Walinsky’s Law)
  • Shirley’s Law: Most people deserve each other.
  • Simon’s Law: Everything that is put together comes apart.
  • Smith’s Law: No real problem has a solution; a solvable problem is not worth solving.
  • Spock’s Law: You know more than you think you know.
  • Stewart’s Law: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
  • Suhor’s Law: A little ambiguity never hurts, (not like none or much.)
  • Sweeney’s Law: The length of a progress report is inversely proportional to the amount of progress.
  • Tacitus’ Law: The unknown always passes for the marvelous.
  • Terman’s Law: The correlation between the quality and cost of education is negligible.
  • Thermodynamics’ 4th Law: If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is almost zero.
  • Thyme’s Law: Everything will go wrong at once.
  • Torquemada’s Law: When you are right, you have a moral duty to impose your will on everyone who is wrong.
  • Turner’s Law: Nearly 100% of public propheesies are wrong.
  • Tylk’s Law: Assumption is the mother of foul-ups.
  • Udall’s Law: If everyone agrees on something, it’s wrong.
  • The Ultimate Law: 100% of general statements are false, including this one.
  • Unnamed Law: If it happened, it was not impossible.
  • Unspeakable Law: As soon as you mention something, if it is good, it goes away. if it is bad, it happens.
  • Valery’s Law: If it’s always been accepted as true, it’s almost certainly false.
  • Van Roy’s Law: A toy that cannot break can break toys that can.
  • Vique’s Law: A man without a religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
  • Walinsky’s Law: Intelligence in a discussion is inversely proportional to the square of the number of people involved. (see Shanahan’s Law)
  • Walton’s Second Law: No one can lose what he never had.
  • Watson’s Law: The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the number and significance of the observer(s).
  • Weiler’s Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it himself.
  • Weinberg’s Laws: 1) Progress is made on alternate Fridays. 2) If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
  • Weisman’s Law: There are no answers, only crossreferences.
  • Weskimen’s Law: There is never enough time to do a thing right, but alway enough time to do it over.
  • Westheimer’s Law: Months in the laboratory is worth hours in the library. (720:1).
  • Whitehead’s Law: The obvious is often overlooked.
  • Wisdom Law: Wisdom is considered a sign of weakness by the powerful because a wise man can lead without power, but only a powerful man can lead without wisdom.
  • Wicker’s Law: Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
  • Wittgenstein’s Law: Of that of which nothing is known nothing can be said.
  • Wolf’s Law: The time and energy to undo a wrong is much greater than that to do one. (see Drazen’s Law)
  • Wyszowski’s Laws: 1) No experiment is reproducible. 2) Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough (but not if you do so too long).
  • Young’s Law: The greatest discoveries are accidental ones.
  • Zimmerman’s Law: No one notices when things go right.
  • Zymurgy’s 1st Law: Once you open a can of worms, the only way to re-can them is to use a bigger can.