Signs You’ve Had Too Much Coffee!

May 25, 2007

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You’ve worn the finish off your coffee table.

All your kids are named Joe.

Chuck Yeager thinks you need to calm down.

Instant coffee takes too long.

Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

People can test their batteries in your ears.

People get dizzy just watching you.

Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.

The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.

When someone asks ‘how are you’ you say, ‘good to the last drop’.

You buy milk by the barrel.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

You can’t even remember your second cup.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

You chew on other people’s fingernails.

You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.

You don’t get mad, you get steamed.

You don’t need a hammer to pound in nails.

You don’t sweat, you percolate.

You don’t tan, you roast.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.

You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You have a conniption over spilled milk.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

You help your dog chase its tail.

You introduce your spouse as your coffee mate.

You just completed another sweater and you don’t know how to knit.

You lick your coffeepot clean.

You name your cats Cream and Sugar.

You short out motion detectors.

You ski uphill.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.

You speed-walk in your sleep.

You spend every vacation visiting Maxwell House.

You think being called a drip is a compliment.

You think CPR stands for Coffee Provides Resuscitation.

You’d be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

Your life’s goal is to amount to a hill of beans.

Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet & Low.

Your taste buds are so numb; you could drink your lava lamp.

Your Thermos is on wheels.

You’re so wired, you pick up AM radio.

You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.


I bet you didn’t know….

April 24, 2007

Did You Know…..?

Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented.
It was ruled “Gentlemen Only…Ladies Forbidden”…and
thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime
time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. (Lucy and
Ricky were only allowed twin beds. Remember?)

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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the
U.S.Treasury.

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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can
hear better.

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Coca-Cola was originally green.

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It is impossible to lick your elbow.

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The State with the highest percentage of people who
walk to work: Alaska

——————————————-

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now
get this…)

——————————————-

The percentage of North America that is wilderness:
38%

————————————————————————————

The average cost of raising a medium-size dog to the
age of eleven: $6,400

————————————————————————————

The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in
any given hour: 61,000

————————————————————————————

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their
hair.

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The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom
Sawyer.

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The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile
National Monuments.

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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a
great king from history:

Spades – King David

Hearts – Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander, the Great

Diamonds – Julius Caesar

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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
(Awesome)

————————————————————————————

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has
both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air the person
died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the
horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died
of natural causes.

————————————————————————————

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence
on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of
the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature
wasn’t added until 5 years later.

————————————————————————————

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace

————————————————————————————

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most
popular boat name requested?

A. Obsession

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Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you
have to go until you would find the letter “A”?

A. One thousand

————————————————————————————

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield
wipers, and laser printers all have in common?

A. All were invented by women.

————————————————————————————

Q. What is the only food that doesn’t spoil?

A. Honey

——————————————————————————–

Q. Which day are there usually more collect calls than
any other day of the year?

A. Father’s Day

————————————————————————————

In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed
frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the
mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on.
Hence the phrase……… “goodnight, sleep tight.”

————————————————————————————

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years
ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s
father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead
he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their
calendar was lunar based, this period was called the
honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

————————————————————————————

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts..
So in old England , when customers got unruly, the
bartender would yell at them “Mind your pints and
quarts, and settle down.”

It’s where we get the phrase “mind your P’s and Q’s”

——————————————————————————-

Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a
whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their
ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the
whistle to get some service. “Wet your whistle” is the
phrase inspired by this practice.

————————————————————————————

In the 1400’s a law was set forth in England that a
man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no
thicker than his thumb. Hence we have “the rule of
thumb”

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~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

————————————————————————————

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick
their elbow!

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YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when…

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in
years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your
family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next
to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends
and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell
phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in
the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at
the bottom of the screen..

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which
you didn’t even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years
of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn
around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before
getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. 🙂

12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are
going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this
list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there
wasn’t a #9 on this list.


My Friends “To Do List” for When I Die

January 31, 2007

OK… so most of you know this already, but it never hurts to reiterate, since we were probably drunk when we had the original conversation…

When I die, do NOT bury me, CREAMATE me. I’d prefer a huge funeral pyre blazing on a make-shift wooden raft right around mdnight in the middle of a picturesque lake located in a beautiful valley and surrounded by rugged mountains, and thanks for asking. Yeah, yeah, yeah….. I know… how often did I ever get exactly what I wanted out of life, and why the hell would I possibly expect it to be any different after I’m dead?

Do NOT put me on some somber display and mourn my death. Don’t cry, or try to be quiet with murmurs and whispers in what some call “respect”. If you love me, and know me at all, then you know I’d hate that. Instead, build a bonfire by the afore mentioned lake, party like you’re 21 again, plaster my picture on one of the kegs or coolers, and celebrate my departure. Be happy for me, ’cause i’ll FINALLY be far away from Wynne, with no chance of ever having to return. I’m pretty sure Amanda can supply you with the appropriate photo. She displayed it on her mom’s fridge for YEARS. Try to do it on some private property somewhere, with permission of the owner, of course, so the cops can’t bother you.

For the music, grab my cd case and crank up the volume. Sarah and Steve know my favorites. Hell, Sarah still has my absolute favorite cd, and Steve has copies of my top 50 tunes. LOL! But for the very last song… the epitaph… the eulogy… the final farewell… I want you guys to raise your glasses, flick your bics, smoke a fatty if ya wanna, and play “I’m moving on” by Rascal Flats. It fit me the first day I heard it, it fits me to this day, and it will still fit me when I’m gone. And yes, kimmie, I’d be thrilled for you to lace a hog-leg with my ashes and smoke me up, so I could be with you “forever and ever”. It might just be the sweetest, smoothest smokin’ thing you ever toked on!

Don’t think for a second you have to talk about “the niceties” of my life, or the rougher times I made it through. Instead, tell the stories of the stupidist things you ever remember me doing. Talk about my dumbass ideas, hair-brained schemes, off-beat ideas, and the goofy quirks I had. I once read “you are only as strong as the tables you dance on, the drinks you mix, and the friends you roll with”, so party hard, drink hard, hugg each other hard, and remember that i loved you, and would do anything for you. I’ll be with you always, and you’ll know when I’m there. I’ll be the thought that makes you laugh out loud in the middle of silence . When you trip over your own two feet, or lose sometthing you just sat down in front of you… that would be me fucking with you. When your watching porn and need to suddenly turn down the volume or go to a black screen because someones suddenly walking in unannounced, I’ll be the reason you can’t find the remote, the volume suddenly blairs and the power button is stuck. When you just can’t believe something that stupid happened… I caused it. I’ll also be the tune you find yourself humming, the $20 you didn’t know you had, and the dumb-luck that saved your ass.

So… don’t miss me when i’m gone, ’cause I won’t be!


My Book of Bullshit Laws

January 12, 2007

  • The Airplane Law: When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.
  • (Agnes) Allen’s Law: Almost anything is easier to get into than out of. Anderson’s Law: Any system or program, however complicated, if looked at in exactly the right way, will become even more complicated.
  • Baldy’s Law: Some of anything plus the rest of anything equals the whole thing.
  • Becker’s Law: Finding a job is more difficult than keeping a job.
  • Beckhap’s Law: Beauty times brains equals a constant.
  • Benchley’s Law: There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don’t. Berkeley’s Laws: 1) Most problems have either many answers or no answer. Only a few problems have a single answer. 2) An answer may be wrong, right, both, or neither; most answers are partly right and partly wrong. 3) A chain of reasoning is no stronger than its weakest link. 4) An exception tests a rule; it never proves it. 5) If there is an opportunity to make a mistake, sooner or later the mistake will be made. 6) Being sure mistakes will occur is a good frame of mind for catching them. 7) A great many problems do not have accurate answers, but do have approximate answers, from which sensible decisions can be made.
  • Blauw’s Law: Established technology tends to persist in spite of new technology.
  • Bohr’s Law: The crazier the theory, the more likely it’s correct and the harder to understand, the more likely published.
  • Bok’s Law: The cost of education is nothing compared to the cost of ignorance.
  • Boob’s Law: You will always find what you’re looking for in the last place you look.
  • Booker’s Law: An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction (i. e., 16000:1).
  • Boyle’s Laws: 1) The deficiency will never show itself during the dry runs. 2) Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce multiple interpretations. Brooke’s Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
  • Buchwald’s Law: When the economy gets better everything else gets worse.
  • Bucy’s Law: Nothing worthwhile has ever been accomplished by a reasonable man.
  • Camp’s Law: A coup known in advance is one that does not take place.
  • Carson‘s Law: It’s better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.
  • Cayo’s Law: The only time an event will start on time is when you’re not.
  • Cheops’ Law: [aka Pournelle’s] Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
  • Chisholm’s Laws: 2) When things are going well, something will go wrong. 3) Proposals, as understood by the proposer, will be judged otherwise by others.
  • Clarke’s Laws: 1) When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right; when he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong. 2) The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible. 3) Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
  • Clopton’s Law: For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill.
  • Clyde‘s Law: The longer you put off something that needs to be done, the greater the probability that it will be done by someone else.
  • Cohen’s Law: What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on the facts, not the facts themselves.
  • Cole’s Law: [coleslaw] shredded cabbage with slaw dressing
  • Comins’s Law: People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.
  • Considine’s Law: Whenever one word or letter can change the entire meaning of a sentence, the probability of an error will be in direct proportion to the resultant embarrassment.
  • Conway‘s Law: In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on.
  • Cooke’s Law: The amount of relevant information available on which to base a decision is inversely proportional to the importance of the decision.
  • Cook’s Law: Much work, much food; little work, little food; no work, burial at sea.
  • Cooper’s Law: In technical writing, a word not understood may be ignored with negligible loss of comprehension.
  • Cornuelle’s Law: Authority tends to assign jobs to those least capable to do them.
  • Corry’s Law: Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
  • Crane’s Law: There ain’t no such thing as a free lunch. (“tanstaafl”)
  • Cropp’s Law: The amount of work done is inversely proportional to the amount of office time.
  • Deadlock’s Law: If the law-makers make a compromise, the place where it will be felt most is the taxpayer’s pocket.
  • Deighton’s Law: You can’t make women happy.
  • Dieter’s Law: The best tasting food has the most calories.
  • DeNever’s Law: The simplest subjects are the ones you know nothing about.
  • Donohue’s Law: Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.
  • Donsen’s Law: The specialist learns more and more about less and less until, finally, he knows everything about nothing; whereas the generalist learns less and less about more and more until, finally, he knows nothing about everything.
  • Doorkey Law: A person’s status is equal to the number of doors that person can open divided by the number of keys needed, from those with keys without doors up to those for whom doors are opened without keys.
  • Dow’s Law: The higher the level in a hierarchy, the greater the confusion.
  • Drazen’s Law: The time to unfoul a foul-up is inversely proportional to the time it took to do fouling-up. (see Wolf’s Law)
  • Dror’s Laws: 1) While the difficulties and dangers of problems tend to increase at a geometrically, the knowledge and qualified manpower needed to deal with them tend to increase linearly. 2) While human capacities to shape the environment, society, and human beings are rapidly increasing, policymaking capabilities to utilize them remain the same.
  • Dyer’s Law: Paper flow implies more paper flow.
  • Dykstra’s Law: Everybody’s somebody’s weirdo.
  • Epstein’s Law: An unsolved problem is bad, but a “solved” problem is worse.
  • Faber’s Laws: 1) If there isn’t a law, there will be. 2) The number of errors in any piece of writing rises proportionately to the writer’s reliance on secondary sources.
  • Fairfax‘s Law: [fair facts] Any facts which, when included in the argument, give the desired result, are fair facts for the argument.
  • Fetridge’s Law: Important things that are supposed to happen don’t, especially when others are watching.
  • Finagle’s Laws: 1) If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. 2) No matter what the experiment’s result, there will always be someone eager to: (a) misinterpret it. (b) fake it. or (c) believe it supports his own pet theory. 3) In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. 4) Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
  • Finnegan’s Law: The further away the future the better it looks.
  • Finnigan’s Law: That which is most obviously correct, beyond all apparent need to check, is the mistake.
  • Firestone’s Law: Chicken Little only has to be right once to be right.
  • Fitz-Gibbon’s Law: Creativity is inversely proportional to the number of cooks involved with the broth.
  • Flap’s Law: Any inanimate object, regardless of its composition or configuration, may be expected to perform at any time in a totally unexpected manner for reasons that are either entirely obscure or completely mysterious.
  • Fowler’s Law: In a bureaucracy, accomplishment is inversely proportional to the volume of paper used.
  • Frankel’s Law: Whatever happens in government could have happened differently, and it usually would have been better if it had.
  • Freeman’s Law: Nothing is so simple it cannot be misunderstood.
  • Fried’s Law: Ideas endure and prosper in inverse proportion to their soundness and validity.
  • Frisch’s Law: You cannot have a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
  • Fyfe’s Laws: 1) Information necessitiating a change in plans will be communicated to the planner after — and only after — the plans are complete. 2) The more innocuous the change in plans appears the great the change will actually be. 3) It is always simpler to start over from scratch than make changes in a plan already started. 4) The more carefully and painstakingly a sample is analysed the greater the probablitity it will be found irrelevant.
  • Gadarene Swine Law: Merely because the group is in formation does not mean that the group is on the right course.
  • Galbraith’s Law: Anyone who says he is not going to, four times, definitely will.
  • Gerrold’s Law: A little ignorance can go a long way.
  • Gershwin’s Law: It ain’t necessarily so.
  • Glatum’s Law: The perceived usefulness of an article is inversely proportional to its actual usefulness once bought and paid for.
  • Godin’s Law: Generalized incompetence is directly proportional to hierarchal rank.
  • Gold’s Law: If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.
  • Goodfader’s Law: The few who are best will better the rest.
  • Gordon’s First Law: If a project is not worth doing at all, it’s not worth doing well.
  • Grabel’s Law: Two does not equal three, even for very large values of two.
  • Green’s Law: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
  • Gresham‘s Law: Trivial matters are handled promptly; important matters are never resolved.
  • Grosch’s Law: Computing power is proportional to the square of the cost.
  • Gross’s Law: When two people meet to decide how to spend a third person’s money, fraud will result.
  • Gualtieri’s Law: Where there’s a will, there’s a won’t.
  • Gummidge’s Law: [aka Prof. Corey’s] “Expertise” is inversely proportional to number of statements understood by public.
  • Gumperson’s Law: The probability of anything happening is in inverse proportion to its desirability.
  • Haldane’s Law: The Universe is not only queerer than we imagine, it is queerer than we CAN imagine.
  • Hane’s Law: There’s no limit to how bad things can get.
  • Harden’s Law: Whenever you have a terrific idea, someone else thought of it first.
  • Hardin’s Law: You can never do merely one thing.
  • Harris’ Law: Any philosophy that can be put “in a nutshell” belongs there.
  • Hartley’s Laws: 1) You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back you’ve got something. 2) If you go to bed with anybody crazier than you are, you are crazier than they are.
  • Hart’s Law: In a country as big as the United States, you can find fifty examples of anything.
  • Harvard Law: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, any experimental organism will do as it damn well pleases.
  • Harver’s Law: A drunken man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.
  • Hein’s Law: Problems worthy of attack prove their worth by hitting back.
  • Hellrung’s Law: If you wait, it will go away.
  • Herblock’s Law: If it’s good, they’ll stop making it.
  • Herrnstein’s Law: The total attention paid to an instructor is a constant regardless of the size of the class.
  • Hildebrand’s Law: The quality of a department is inversely proportional to the number of courses listed in its catalog.
  • Hiram’s Law: If you consult enough experts, you can confirm anything, (but too many experts disconfirm it.)
  • Hoare’s Law: Inside every large program is a small program struggling to get out.
  • Hofstadter’s Law: Things take twice as long as expected, even if you have allowed twice as much time.
  • Howe’s Law: Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
  • Iles’s Law: There is an easier way to do it.
  • Imhoff’s Law: In a bureaucracy, like a septic tank, the really big chunks always rise to the top.
  • Jacob’s Law: To err is human, to blame someone else even moreso.
  • Jenkinson’s Law: It won’t work.
  • Juhani’s Law: The cost of a compromise will always be more than that of either of compromised alternatives.
  • Julian’s Law: The one size that fits everyone doesn’t fit anyone.
  • Katz’s Law: Men and women will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.
  • Kelley’s Law: Last guys don’t finish nice.
  • Kelly’s Law: Nothing’s as simple as it seems
  • Kirkland‘s Law: The usefulness of any meeting is inversely proportional to the attendance.
  • Kitman’s Law: Pure drivel drives out ordinary drivel.
  • Klipstein’s Law: Tolerances will accumulate unidirectionally toward maximum difficulty of assembly.
  • Knight’s Law: Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans.
  • Koppett’s Law: The probability of an outcome with the greatest inconvenience for the largest number approaches 100%.
  • <li class=”MsoNormal” style=””>Konigsberg‘s Law: 80% of success is showing up.

  • Kristol’s Law: Being frustrated is disagreeable, but real disasters begin with getting what you want.
  • Langin’s Law: If things were left to chance, they’d be better.
  • Langsam’s Law: Everything depends.
  • Larkinson’s Law: 100% of laws are basically false.
  • La Rochefoucauld’s Law: Distrusting one’s friends is more shameful than being deceived by them.
  • Last Law: If something did not go wrong, it should have.
  • Leahy’s Law: A thing done wrong enough times becomes right, (but too many times even wronger.)
  • Le Chatelier’s Law: If some stress is brought to bear on a system in equilibrium, the equilibrium is displaced in the direction which tends to undo the effect of the stress.
  • Lord Falkland’s Law: Whenever it is unecessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to make a decision.
  • Lover’s Law: A dandelion from a lover is better than an orchid from a friend.
  • Lowery’s Law: If it jams, it needs to be forced; if it breaks when being forced, it needed replacing anyway.
  • Lubarsky’s Law: There’s always one more bug.
  • Lubin’s Law: If another scientist thought your research was more important than his, he would drop what he is doing and do what you are doing.
  • Luce’s Law: No good deed goes unpunished.
  • Lynch’s Law: When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.
  • Lyon‘s Law: He who hesitates is last.
  • Maier’s Law: If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
  • Malek’s Law: The simpler the idea the greater the complexity with which it will be communicated.
  • Malinowski’s Law: From the safety of a developed civilization, the crudity and irrelevance of magic is most visible.
  • Matsch’s Law: A horrible ending is better than endless horrors.
  • May’s Law: The quality of the correlation is inversely proportional to the density of the control (the fewer the facts, the smoother the curves).
  • McGoon’s Law: The probability of winning is inversely proportional to the amount of the wager.
  • McGovern’s Law: The longer the title the less important is the corresponding job.
  • McGurk’s Law: Any improbable event which would create maximum confusion if it did occur, will occur.
  • McLaughlin’s Law: The length of a meeting is inversely porportional to the length of the agenda.
  • Mencken’s Law: Those who can, do; those who can’t, teach; those who can’t teach, administrate.
  • Mencken’s Metalaw: For every human problem, there is a neat, simple solution which is always wrong.
  • McGee’s First Law: It’s amazing how long it takes to complete something you’re not working on.
  • Meyer’s Law: The best thing to do is the most difficult.
  • Miksch’s Law: If a string has one end it has two.
  • Miller’s Law: You can’t tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it.
  • MIST Law: [man-in-street] The probability of being observed is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
  • Mondale’s Law: If you think you understand, you are actually hopelessly confused.
  • Mosher’s Law: Retiring too soon is better than retiring too late.
  • Mrs. Parkinson’s Law: Heat produced by pressure expands to fill the mind available, from which it can pass only to a cooler mind.
  • Muir’s Law: [aka Commoner’s 1st] Everything is connected to everything else.
  • Munnecke’s Law: If you don’t say it, they can’t repeat it.
  • (Evvie) Nef’s Law: There is a solution to every problem; the only difficulty is finding it.
  • Nessen’s Law: The credibility of a secret source is greater than that of a known one.
  • Nies’ Law: The energy expended by a bureaucracy in minimizing any error is directly proportional to the magnitude of the error.
  • N – 1 Law: The last of a set is the most difficult to find.
  • Obvious Law: It only seems as though you mustn’t be deceived by appearances.
  • Orion’s Law: Everything breaks down.
  • Osborn’s Law: Variables won’t; constants aren’t.
  • Papagiannis’ Law: Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
  • Pareto’s Law (aka The 20/80 Law): 20% of the customers account for 80% of the turnover, 20% of the components account for 80% of the cost, and so forth.
  • Parkinson’s Laws: 1) Work expands to fill the time available for its completion; the thing to be done swells in perceived importance and complexity in a direct ratio with the time to be spent in its completion. 2) Expenditures rise to meet income. 3) Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay. 4) The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done. 5) If there is a way to delay an important decision the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. 6) The progress of science is inversely proportional to the number of journals published.
  • Pascal’s Law: The intelligent with originality see others’.
  • Patton’s Law: A good plan today is better than a perfect one tomorrow.
  • Peer’s Law: The solution to a problem changes the problem, but cannot solve it.
  • The Perversity of Nature Law: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
  • Pierson’s Law: If you’re coasting, you’re going downhill.
  • Plotnick’s Law: The delay in a departure time will is porportional to the square of the number of people involved.
  • Potter’s Law: The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely proportional to that subject’s true value.
  • Poulsen’s Law: When anything is used to its full potential (aka breaking point), it will break.
  • Price’s Law: If everyone doesn’t want it, no one gets it.
  • Pudder’s Law: Anything that begins well ends badly. Anything that begins badly ends worse.
  • Puritan’s Law: Evil is live spelled backwards.
  • Putney’s Law: If a democratic people are allowed the freedom to do so, they will vote away the freedoms essential to that democracy.
  • Putt’s Law: Technology is dominated by two types of people — those who understand what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand.
  • Raspberry Jam Law: The wider any culture is spread, the thinner it gets.
  • Research Law: Enough research will tend to support your theory (but too much won’t).
  • Revelation Law: The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
  • Rawson’s First Law: As soon as you dispose of a book, a pressing need to refer to it will arise.
  • Roemer’s Law: Hospital admissions are vary with the number of beds.
  • Rudin’s Law: In crises that force people to choose among alternate courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible.
  • Runamok’s Law: There are four kinds of people: (a) those who sit quietly and do nothing, (b) those who talk about sitting quietly and doing nothing, (c) those who do things, and (d) those who talk about doing things.
  • Runyon’s Law: The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that’s the higher probability.
  • Ryan’s Law: Three consecutive correct guesses establishs you as an expert.
  • Sattinger’s Law: It works better if you plug it in.
  • Schmidt’s Law: If you mess with a thing long enough, it’ll break.
  • Schuckit’s Law: 100% of interference in human conduct has the potential for causing harm, no matter how innocuous.
  • Schultze’s Law: If you can’t measure output, measuring input is preferable to not measuring at all.
  • Scott’s Laws: 1) The probability of something wrong looking right is greater than that of it looking wrong. 2) When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been correct in the first place.
  • Seay’s Law: Nothing ever comes out as planned.
  • (Seeger’s Law: Anything in parentheses can be ignored.)
  • Segal’s Law: A man with a watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches is never sure.
  • Selective Gravity Law: An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
  • Sells’ Law: The first sample is the best sample.
  • Service’s Law: It’s later than you think.
  • Sevareid’s Law: The chief cause of problems is solutions.
  • Shanahan’s Law: A meeting’s length is inversely proportional to the square of the number of attendees and its productivity inversely proportional to its length. (see Walinsky’s Law)
  • Shirley’s Law: Most people deserve each other.
  • Simon’s Law: Everything that is put together comes apart.
  • Smith’s Law: No real problem has a solution; a solvable problem is not worth solving.
  • Spock’s Law: You know more than you think you know.
  • Stewart’s Law: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
  • Suhor’s Law: A little ambiguity never hurts, (not like none or much.)
  • Sweeney’s Law: The length of a progress report is inversely proportional to the amount of progress.
  • Tacitus’ Law: The unknown always passes for the marvelous.
  • Terman’s Law: The correlation between the quality and cost of education is negligible.
  • Thermodynamics’ 4th Law: If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is almost zero.
  • Thyme’s Law: Everything will go wrong at once.
  • Torquemada’s Law: When you are right, you have a moral duty to impose your will on everyone who is wrong.
  • Turner’s Law: Nearly 100% of public propheesies are wrong.
  • Tylk’s Law: Assumption is the mother of foul-ups.
  • Udall’s Law: If everyone agrees on something, it’s wrong.
  • The Ultimate Law: 100% of general statements are false, including this one.
  • Unnamed Law: If it happened, it was not impossible.
  • Unspeakable Law: As soon as you mention something, if it is good, it goes away. if it is bad, it happens.
  • Valery’s Law: If it’s always been accepted as true, it’s almost certainly false.
  • Van Roy’s Law: A toy that cannot break can break toys that can.
  • Vique’s Law: A man without a religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
  • Walinsky’s Law: Intelligence in a discussion is inversely proportional to the square of the number of people involved. (see Shanahan’s Law)
  • Walton’s Second Law: No one can lose what he never had.
  • Watson’s Law: The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the number and significance of the observer(s).
  • Weiler’s Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it himself.
  • Weinberg’s Laws: 1) Progress is made on alternate Fridays. 2) If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
  • Weisman’s Law: There are no answers, only crossreferences.
  • Weskimen’s Law: There is never enough time to do a thing right, but alway enough time to do it over.
  • Westheimer’s Law: Months in the laboratory is worth hours in the library. (720:1).
  • Whitehead’s Law: The obvious is often overlooked.
  • Wisdom Law: Wisdom is considered a sign of weakness by the powerful because a wise man can lead without power, but only a powerful man can lead without wisdom.
  • Wicker’s Law: Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
  • Wittgenstein’s Law: Of that of which nothing is known nothing can be said.
  • Wolf’s Law: The time and energy to undo a wrong is much greater than that to do one. (see Drazen’s Law)
  • Wyszowski’s Laws: 1) No experiment is reproducible. 2) Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough (but not if you do so too long).
  • Young’s Law: The greatest discoveries are accidental ones.
  • Zimmerman’s Law: No one notices when things go right.
  • Zymurgy’s 1st Law: Once you open a can of worms, the only way to re-can them is to use a bigger can.