Cow Tipping: An Arkansas Tradition

October 31, 2010

The stereotypical Arkansas pastime of days gone by. This is what your grandparents did for fun (or at least that’s what the Northerners think).

Don’t try this at home!

Difficulty: Easy

Time Required: 60 minutes

Here’s How:

1. Get extremely drunk or extremely bored. Moonshine whiskey makes for the best cow tipping experience, but extreme boredom (teenagers with nothing to do) will suffice.

2. Bring friends. Cow tipping is no fun without company!

3. Find a pasture with cows. Everyone knows that everyone in Arkansas has cows so that won’t be hard.

4. Go at night so that you won’t see the cow pies as you step in them…oh yeah, the cows will be asleep too.

5. Find an isolated cow and be sure it’s sleeping.

6. Approach the cow against the wind. If you’ve been stepping in cow pies all night, the cow will smell you for sure if you are upwind of her and will run from the stench.

7. Go for the tip! In a creeping motion, walk toward the cow, place both hands on one of its flanks, and push with a hard, but smooth stroke.

8. RUN far away. The cow will wake up and tell all her friends about your stunt and they will stampede. The farmer won’t be happy either (you don’t want a hiney full of buckshot do you?).

9. Go home to whittle or perhaps brew some more moonshine for your next cow tip!

Tips:

1. Be sure the ‘cow’ you are trying to tip is not a bull. It is not wise to tip the bulls.

2. Cows evolved to sleep standing up in order to better evade predators, obviously, since they can be tipped so easily, it didn’t work.

3. Don’t try this at home! Cows have feelings too! Leave cow tipping alone to live in your grandparents memories.

(source)
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How To Speak Southern

October 6, 2010

Addled: Confused, disoriented, as in the case of Northern sociologists who try to make sense out of the South, “What’s wrong with that Yankee? He acts right addled.”

Afar: In a state of combustion. “Call the far department. That house is afar.”

Ahr: What we breathe, also a unit of time made up of 60 minutes. “They should’ve been here about an ahr ago.”

Ar: Possessive pronoun. “That’s AR dawg, not yours.”

Ary: Not any. “He hadn’t got ary cent.”

Awfullest: The worst. “That’s the awfullest lie you evr told me in your life.”

Bad-mouth: To disparage or derogate. “All these candidates have bad-mouthed each other so much I’ve about decided not to vote for any of ’em.”

Baws: Your employer. “The baws may not always be right, but he’s always the baws.”

Best: Another baffling Southernism that is usually couched in the negative. “You best not speak to Bob about his car. He just had to spend $300 on it.”

Braht: Dazzing. “Venus is a braht planet.”

Bud: Small feathered crature that flies. “A robin sure is a pretty bud.”

Cawse: Cause, usually preceded in the South by the adjective “lawst” (lost). “The War Between the States was a lawst cawse.”

Cayut: A furry animal much beloved by little girls but detested by adults when it engages in mating rituals in the middle of the night. “Be sure to put the cayut out-side before you go to bed.”

Chunk: To throw. “Chunk it there, Leroy. Ole Leroy sure can chunk ‘at ball, can’t he? Best pitcher we ever had.”

Clone: A type of scent women put on themselves. “what’s that clone you got on, honey?”

Contrary: Obstinate, perverse. “Jim’s a fine boy, but she won’t have nothin’ to do with him. She’s just contrary, is all Ah can figure.”

Daints: A more or less formal event in which members of the opposite sex hold each other and move rhythmically to the sound of music. “You wanna go to the daints with me Saturday night, Bobbie Sue?”

Danjuh: Imminent peril. What John Paul Jones meant when he said, “Give me a fast ship, for I intend to put her in harm’s way.”

Deah: A term of endearment, except in the sense Rhett Butler used it when he said to Scarlett O’Hara, “Frankly, my deah, Ah don’t give a damn.”

Didn’t go to: Did not intend to. “Don’t whip Billy for knockin’ his little sister down. He didn’t go to do it.”

Dollin: Another term of endearment. (darling) “Dollin, will you marry me?”

Dreckly: Soon. “He’ll be along dreckly.”

Effuts: Exertions. “Lee made great effuts to defeat Grant.”

Everthang: All-encompassing. “everthang’s all messed up.”

Everhoo: Another baffling Southernism – a reverse contraction of whoever.”Everhoo one of you kids wants to go to the movie better clean up their room.”

Fahn: Excellent. “That sure is a fahn-lookin’ woman.”

Farn: Anything that is not domestic. “Ah don’t drink no farn liquor, specially Rooshin vodka.”

Fetchin’: Attractive. “That’s a mighty fetchin’ woman. Think I’ll ask her to daints.”

Fixin’ to: About to. “I’m fixin’ to go to the store.”

Foolin’ around: Can mean not doing anything in particular or sex, usually of the extramarital variety. “Sue caught her husband foolin’ around, so she divorced him.”

Fummeer: A place other than one’s present location. “Where do we go fummeer?”

Gawn: Departed. “Bo’s not here. He’s gawn out with somebody else.”

Gone: Going to. “You boys just git out there and play football. We gone make mistakes, but they are, too.”

Got a good notion: A statement of intent. “Ah got a good notion to cut a switch and whale the dickens out of that boy.”

Grain of sense: An appraisal of intelligence, invariably expressed in negative terms. “That boy ain’t got a grain of sense.”

Gummut: A large institution operating out of Washington that consumes taxes at a fearful rate. “Bill’s got it made. He’s got a gummut job.”

Hahr: That which grows on your head and requires cutting periodically. “You need a hahrcut.”

Hod: Not soft, but meaning stubborn or willful when used to describe a Southern child’s head. “That boy’s so hod-headed it’s pitiful.”

Hot: A muscle that pumps blood through the body, but also regarded as the center of emotion. “That gull (girl) has just broke his hot.”

Hush yo’ mouth: An expression of pleased embarrassment, as when a Southern female is paid an extravagant compliment. “Honey, you’re ’bout the sweetest, best-lookin’ woman in Tennessee. Now hush yo’ mouth, Jim Bob.”

Ignert: Ignorant. “Ah’ve figgered out what’s wrong with Congress. Most of ’em are just plain ignert.”

Ill: Angry, testy. “What’s wrong with Molly today? She’s ill as a hornet.”

Innerduce: To make one person acquainted with another. “Lemme innerduce you to my cousin. She’s a little on the heavy side, but she’s got a great personality.”

Iont: I don’t. “Iont know if Ah can eat another bobbycue (barbecue) or not.”

Jack-leg: Self taught, especially in reference to automobile mechanics and clergy-men. “He’s just a jack-leg preacher, but he sure knows how to put out the hellfire and brimstone.”

Jewant: Do you want. “Jewant to go over to the Red Rooster and have a few beers?”

Ka-yun: A sealed cylinder containing food. “If that woman didn’t have a kay-un opener, her family would starve to death.”

Kerosene cat in hell with gasoline drawers on: A colorful Southern expression used as as evaluation of someone’s ability to accomplish something. “He ain’t got no more chance than a kerosene cat in hell with gasoline drawers on.”

Kin: Related to. An Elizabethan expression, one of many which survived in the South. “Are you kin to him?” “Yeah, He’s my brother.”

Klect: To receive money to which one is entitled. “Ah don’t think you’ll ever klect that bill.”

Laht: A source of illumination. “This room’s too doc (dark). We need more laht in here.”

Lar: One who tells untruths. “Not all fishermen are lars. It’s just that a lot of lars fish.”

Layin’ up: Resting or meditating. Or as Southern women usually put it, loafing. “Cecil didn’t go to work today ’cause of a chronic case of laziness. He’s been layin’ up in the house all day, drivin’ me crazy.”

Let alone: Much less. “He can’t even hold a job and support himself, let alone support a family.”

Let out: Dismissed. “What time does school let out?”

Lick and a promise: To do something in a hurried or perfunctory fashion. “We don’t have time to clean this house so it’s spotless. Just give it a lick and a promise.”

Mahty raht: Correct. “You mahty raht about that, Awficer. Guess Ah WAS speedin’ a little bit.”

Make out: Yes, it means that in the South too, but it also means finish your meal. “You chirren (Children) hadn’t had nearly enough to eat. Make out your supper.”

Mind to: To have the intention of doing something. “Ah got a mind to quit my job and just loaf for a while.”

Nawth: Any part of the country outside the South _Midwest, California or whatever.If it’s not South, it’s Nawth. “People from up Nawth sure do talk funny.”

Nekkid: To be unclothed. “Did you see her in that movie? She was nekkid as a jaybird.”

Nemmine: Never mind, but used in the sense of difference. “It don’t make no nemmine to me.”

Of a moanin: Of a morning, meaning in the morning. “My daddy always liked his coffee of a moanin.”

Ownliest: The only one. “That’s the ownliest one Ah’ve got left.”

Parts: Buccaneers who sailed under the dreaded skull and crossbones. “See that third baseman? He just signed a big contrack with the Pittsburg Parts.”

PEEcans: Northerners call them peCONNS for some obscure reason. “Honey, go out in the yard and pick up a passel of PEEcans. Ah’m gonna make us a pie.”

Pert: Perky, full of energy. “You look mighty pert today.”

Pick at: To pester and annoy. “Jimmy, Ah told you not to pick at your little sister.”

Purtiest: The most pretty. “ain’t she the purtiest thing you ever seen?”

Quar: An organized choral group, usually connected with a church or school. “Did you hear the news? The preacher left his wife and run off with the quar director.”

Raffle: A long-barrelled firearm. “Dan’l Boone was a good shot with a raffle.”

Rahtnaow: At once. “Linda Sue, Ah want you to tell that boy it’s time to go home and come in the house rahtnaow.”

Ranch: A tool used to lossen or tighten nuts and bolts. “Hand me that ranch, Homer.”

Raut: A method of getting from one place to another which Southerners pronounce to rhyme with “kraut”. Yankees, for reasons that remain shrouded in mystery, pronounce “route” to rhyme with “root”. Or worse still, “foot.”

Restrunt: A place to eat. “New Yorker’s got a lot of good restrunts.”

Retard: No longer employed. “He’s retard now.”

Sass: Another Elizabethan term derived from the word saucy, meaning to speak in an impertinent manner. “Don’t sass me, young lady. You’re not too old to get a whippin’.”

Shainteer: Indicates the absence of a female. “Is the lady of the house in?” “Nope. Shainteer.”

Shudenoughta: Should not. “You shudenoughta have another drink.”

Spell: An indetermined length of time. “Let’s sit here and rest a spell.”

Stain: The opposite of leaving. “Ah hate this party, and Ah’m not stain much longer.”

Supper: The evening meal Southererners are having while Yankees are having dinner. “What’s for supper, honey?

Take on: To behave in a highly emotional manner. “Don’t take on like that, Brenda Sue. He’s not the only man in Lee County.”

Tal: What you dry off with after you take a share. “Would you bring me a tal, sweetheart?”

Tawt: To instruct. “Don’t pull that cat’s tail. Ah tawt you better’n that.”

Thank: Think. “Ah thank Ah’ll go to a movie tonight.”

That ole dawg won’t hunt no more: That will not work. “You want to borrow $20 when you still owe me fifty? That ole dawg won’t hunt no more.”

Tore up: Distraught, very upset. “His wife just left him, and he’s all tore up about it.”

Uhmewzin: Funny, comical. “Few things are more uhmewzin than a Yankee tryin’ to affect a Southern accent, since they invariably address one person as ‘y’all when any Southern six-year-old knows ‘y’all is always plural because it means ‘all of you.'”

Unbeknownst: Lacking knowledge of. “Unbeknownst to them, he had marked the cards.”

Usta: Used to. “Ah usta live in Savanah.”

Vaymuch: Not a whole lot, when expressed in the negative. “Ah don’t like this ham vaymuch.”

Wahn: What Jesus turned the water into, unless you’re Babdist who is persuaded it was only grape juice. “Could Ah have another glass of that wahn?”

Wars: Slender strands of coated copper that carry power over long distances. “They’re puttin’ telephone wars underground now.”

Wawk: A method of non-polluting travel by foot. “Why don’t we take an old-fashioned wawk?”

Wear out: An expression used to describe a highly-effective method of behavior modification in children. “When Ah get ahold of that boy, Ah’m gonna wear him out.”

Wender: A glass-covered opening in a wawl. “Open that wender, It’s too hot in here.”

Yat: A common greeting in the Irish Channel section of New Orleans. Instead of saying “hey” in lieu of “hello” the way most Southerners do, they say, “Where yat?”

Yew: Not a tree, but a personal pronoun. “Yew wanna shoot some pool?”

Y’heah?: A redundant expression tacked onto the end of sentences by Southerners. “Y’all come back soon, y’heah?”

Yontny: Do you want any. “Yontny more cornbread?”

Yungins: Also spelled younguns, meaning young ones. “Ah want all you yungins in bed in five minutes.”

Zit: Is it. “Zit already midnight, sugar? Tahm sure flies when you’re having fun.”

Taken from “More How To Speak Southern” written by Steve Mitchell


How Things Are Done In The South!

May 7, 2009

Yep, looks like one of my family members got buck ass wild with the camera again….


Southern Girls & Football Season: North vs. South

April 22, 2007

Just to give some more insight into us Southern girls:

Football Season:
North vs. South

WOMEN’S ATTIRE
Up North: Chapstick in their back pocket and a $20 bill in their front pocket.
Down South: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, powder, mascara (waterproof), concealer, and a fifth of bourbon. Wallet not necessary – that’s what dates are for.

STADIUM SIZE
Up north: College football stadiums hold 20,000.
Down south: High school football stadiums hold 20,000

WEATHER
Up North: Snow and Ice.
Down South: Sunny, highs mid-60s, lows in the teens.

FATHERS
Up North: Expect their daughter to understand Sylvia Plath.
Down South: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.

ATTIRE
Up North: Male and female alike: woolly sweater or sweatshirt, jeans.
Down South: Male – pressed khakis, oxford shirt, cap with frat logo, Justin Ropers. Female – ankle-length skirt, coordinated cardigan, flat riding boots, oxford.

ALUMNI
Up North: Take prospects on sailing trips before they join the law firm.
Down South: Take prospects on fishing trips so they don’t leave for the NFL their senior year.

CAMPUS DECOR
Up North: Statues of Founding Fathers.
Down South: Statues of Founding Fathers and Heisman Trophy winners.

HOMECOMING QUEEN
Up North: Also a physics major.
Down South: Also Miss USA.

HEROES
Up North: Mario Cuomo
Down South: “Bear” Bryant

GETTING TICKETS
Up North: 5 days before the game you can walk into the ticket office on campus and still purchase tickets.
Down South: 5 months before the game you can walk into the ticket office on campus and still be placed on the waiting list for tickets.

FRIDAY CLASSES AFTER A THURSDAY NIGHT GAME
Up North: Students and Teachers are not sure if they are going because they have class on Friday.
Down South: Teachers cancel class on Friday because they don’t want to see the few hungover students that might actually make it to class on Friday.

PARKING
Up North: An hour or two before game time the university opens the campus for game parking.
Down South: RV’s sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend’s festivities. The real faithful begin arriving on Tuesday.

GAME DAY
Up North: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
Down South: every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting Game Day “Live” to get on camera and wave to the idiots from up North who wonder why game day is never broadcast from their campus.

TAILGATING
Up North: Raw meat on the grill, beer with a lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
Down South: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by Hootie & the Blowfish, who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off your bottle of bourbon.

GETTING TO THE STADIUM
Up North: You have to ask, “Where’s the stadium?” When you find it you walk right in with no line.
Down South: When you’re near it, you’ll hear it. On game day, it becomes the state’s third largest city.

CONCESSIONS
Up North: Drinks served in a paper cup filled to the top with soda.
Down South: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team’s mascot — filled less than halfway to ensure enough room for bourbon.

WHEN THE NATIONAL ANTHEM IS PLAYED
Up North: Stands are less than half full.
Down South: 100,000+ fans sing along in perfect 3-part harmony.

THE SMELL IN THE AIR AFTER THE FIRST SCORE
Up North: Nothing changes.
Down South: Fireworks with a twist of bourbon.

COMMENTARY (MALE)
Up North: “Nice play.”
Down South: “Dammit you slow sumbitch — tackle him and break his legs!!!”

COMMENTARY (FEMALE)
Up North: “My, this is a violent sport.”
Down South: “Dammit you slow sumbitch — tackle him and break his legs!!!”

AFTER THE GAME
Up North: the stadium is empty before the game ends.
Down South: Another rack of ribs on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, planning begins for next year’s party.


A Southerner Knows… (more “Southern-isms”)

April 22, 2007

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don’t “HAVE” them, you “PITCH” them.
_____
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up “a mess.”
_____
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of “yonder.”
_____
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long “directly” is, as in: “Going to town, be back directly.”
_____
Even Southern babies know that “Gimme some sugar” is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
_____
All Southerners know exactly when “by and by” is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
_____
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who’s got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor’s trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
_____
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between “right near” and “a right far piece.” They also know that “just down the road” can be 1 mile or 20! .
_____
Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol’ boy, and po’ white trash.
_____
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
_____
A Southerner knows that “fixin” can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
_____
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, and when we’re “in line” , we talk to everybody!
_____
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they’re related, even if only by marriage.
_____
In the South, y’all is singular, all y’all is plural.
_____
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
_____
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
___
When you hear someone say, “Well, I caught myself lookin’,” you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner !
_____
Only true Southerners say “sweet tea” and “sweet milk.” Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it — we do not like our tea unsweetened. “Sweet milk” means you don’t want buttermilk.
_____
And a true Southerner knows you don’t scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,”Bless her heart” … and go your own way.
_____
To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness:
Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning.
Bless your heart!
_____
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, … bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin’ to have classes on Southernness as a second language!


ABOUT SOUTHERN WOMEN…

April 22, 2007

SOUTHERN WOMEN

Southern women appreciate their natural assets:
Clean skin.
A winning smile.
That unforgettable Southern drawl.

Southern women know their manners:
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Why , no, Billy!”

Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions :
“Y’all come back!”
“Well, bless your heart.”
“Drop by when you can.”
“How’s your Momma?”

Southern women know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity

Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
The beach
The beach

Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August:
Colorful hi-heel sandals
Strapless sun dresses
Iced sweet tea with mint

Southern women know everybody’s first name:
Honey
Darlin’
Shugah

Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind
The Notebook

Southern women know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football

Southern women know their country breakfasts:
Red-eye gravy
Grits
Eggs
Country ham
Mouth-watering home made biscuits with momma’s homemade jelly

Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Chawl’stn,
S’vanah
Foat Wuth
N’awlins
Addlanna

Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform.
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler, of course!

Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the four deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food
Wearing too much makeup in the summer

Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah!

Now…… Shugah, spread this to some girls who were raised in the
South or wish they had been!

If you’re a Northern transplant:
Bless your little heart–fake it. We know you got here as fast
as you could!!!