• I learned that if the house you are living in tells you to “GO AWAY,” do it. Now.
• If you’re a virgin, stay that way.
• If a killer with a knife is chasing you around the house, do NOT go upstairs. Go out the front door, you idiot!
• For God’s sake, turn on the lights.
• Never split up.
• Never stoop over to see if the killer is dead. He’s not.
• Never get naked in front of a window.
• Avoid the following geographical locations: Amityville, Elm Street, Crystal Lake, Transylvania, many islands, lover’s lanes, most secluded mountain resorts and all small towns in the state of Maine.
• Never pick up hitchhikers.
• If a small town off the highway is deserted, it’s probably for a very good reason.
• If your speedometer suddenly starts turning backward, trade the car. Now.
• Never dig up strange-looking objects in the woods.
• Never bury pets or loved ones in old Native American burial grounds, because they aaaalways come back…. Muahahaha!
• As a general rule, don’t try to solve puzzles that open doorways to Hell.
• Find out what your parents were up to when they were younger. You never know if they burned up a serial killer, had a mysterious “other child,” are not your real parents, or opened up a doorway to Hell.
• Ask yourself seriously, “Do I really want to float?”
• If there is a knock on the door in the middle of the night, but no one appears at the peephole, do NOT open the door and step outside to see who’s there.
• Never turn your back to a door. Ever.
• Never assume it’s your naked boyfriend/girlfriend under the sheet.
• Never mess with DNA. For any reason.
• No sex in graveyards.
• Keep your car filled with gas, tuned up, and for God’s sake keep your keys with you!
• On Halloween, there is no such thing as “coincidence.”
• Never stay overnight in the old house at the end of town that’s supposed to be haunted. Let them think you’re chicken. Even if the prize is one million dollars. It’s not worth it.
• Pig’s blood does not make for a good practical joke.
• The guy conducting an “insomnia study” in the spookiest old mansion in town that no one will approach after dark is not telling you the truth.
• Watch out for the guy with an accent purchasing the abbey next door who works the night shift.
• If you’re alone in the house and something calls out your name, leave immediately through the nearest exit. If there is no exit, make one.
• When you’ve shot the monster six times to no effect, don’t bother throwing the gun at it. It will do you no good.
• Do not answer distress calls from deserted planets that never see daylight.
• Don’t touch the TV that calls your name.
• When the power goes out, do not go into the basement armed only with a candle to see if the fuse is out.
• Reasons to consider moving out of that great house that was such a bargain: bleeding walls, disembodied voices, too many flies, a room in the basement painted red that wasn’t on the blueprints, phone service that seems to come and go, windows that look like eyes, finding out horrible murders were committed in the house, secret passages behind the bookcases, all your neighbors loooove to cook. clean and do housework.
• In fact, when these things start happening, just set fire to the house. It always ends that way anyway and you’ll save time.
• There is no good reason why anyone’s eyes should glow red.
• The crank caller breathing heavily into the phone is already in your house.
• Children speaking in deep, scary voices should be listened to.
• There IS a boogeyman.
• If a kid says, “I see dead people,” believe him.
• If you just ripped your phone out of the wall and it rings anyway, DON’T ANSWER IT!
• Clothing to avoid: capes, high heels, ancient amulets you don’t understand.
• Never break quarantine.
• People wearing hockey masks, ski masks or any Halloween costume that covers the face should be avoided.
• The crazy old guy everybody laughs at knows what he’s talking about.
• Leprechauns really don’t want to grant you three wishes.
• Elevators going up and down by themselves have something wrong with them that a maintenance man can’t fix.
• Do not attempt to kill your spouse for her inheritance/life insurance/to marry your secretary. You will not get the results you seek.
• Reasons you are probably toast: you’re a mayor, sheriff, high school principal or some other person of authority who doesn’t believe in the monster; a lawyer, politician, CEO of a polluting corporation or similar sleazeball; a cop, doctor or similar adult trying to help the kids; you are obsessed with sex and/or drugs; your boobs are bigger than your brain; your name does not appear among the first three in the credits.
• Never open the locked door.
• Don’t go in the water.
• Pay attention to dogs, cats, horses and other more intelligent creatures. If they’re nervous, scram.
• When using a matter transporter, triple-check the pod for flies.
• Don’t mess with the gypsies.
• Never repeat any names while staring into the bathroom mirror.
• Skip the shortcut.
• Never take anything from a clown in a sewer.
• If the price of that really neat knickknack includes “a favor,” you don’t want it.
• You won’t be right back.
• Don’t pick on the miserable geek or the ugly, unpopular girl. You’ll get yours.
• The aliens are not friendly.
• No, it’s not your imagination.
•They ARE out to get you and it IS as bad as it seems!
Did You Know…..?
Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented.
It was ruled “Gentlemen Only…Ladies Forbidden”…and
thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime
time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. (Lucy and
Ricky were only allowed twin beds. Remember?)
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The State with the highest percentage of people who
walk to work: Alaska
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now
The percentage of North America that is wilderness:
The average cost of raising a medium-size dog to the
age of eleven: $6,400
The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in
any given hour: 61,000
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a
great king from history:
Spades – King David
Hearts – Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds – Julius Caesar
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has
both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air the person
died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the
horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died
of natural causes.
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence
on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of
the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature
wasn’t added until 5 years later.
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most
popular boat name requested?
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you
have to go until you would find the letter “A”?
A. One thousand
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield
wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn’t spoil?
Q. Which day are there usually more collect calls than
any other day of the year?
A. Father’s Day
In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed
frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the
mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on.
Hence the phrase……… “goodnight, sleep tight.”
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years
ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s
father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead
he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their
calendar was lunar based, this period was called the
honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts..
So in old England , when customers got unruly, the
bartender would yell at them “Mind your pints and
quarts, and settle down.”
It’s where we get the phrase “mind your P’s and Q’s”
Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a
whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their
ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the
whistle to get some service. “Wet your whistle” is the
phrase inspired by this practice.
In the 1400’s a law was set forth in England that a
man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no
thicker than his thumb. Hence we have “the rule of
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when…
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your
family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends
and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell
phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at
the bottom of the screen..
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which
you didn’t even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years
of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn
around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before
getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. 🙂
12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are
going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there
wasn’t a #9 on this list.
Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.”
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked
Always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
That is what friendship means. Sharing the prejudice of experience.
Give me one friend, just one, who meets The needs of all my varying moods.
My true friends have always given me that supreme proof of devotion, a spontaneous aversion for the man I loved.
Most people enjoy the inferiority of their best friends.
What is a friend? I will tell you it is someone with whom you dare to be yourself.
A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway.
“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.”
“If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we’re apart.. i’ll always be with you.”
“Friends are God’s way of apologizing to us for our families.”
“A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.”
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
“True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.”
“true friendship isn’t about being there when it’s convenient; it’s about being there when it’s not.”
I always felt that the great high privilege, relief and comfort of friendship was that one had to explain nothing.
“Best friends are the ones who can be the farthest away but there the fastest when you call.”
The only thing that lasts longer than a friend’s love is the stupidity that keeps us from knowing any better.
I always felt that the great high privilege, relief and comfort of friendship was that one had to explain nothing.
It is difficult to say who do you the most mischief: enemies with the worst intentions or friends with the best.
Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.
Treat your friends as you do your pictures, and place them in their best light.
A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down.
“No distance of place or lapse of time can lessen the friendship of those who are thoroughly persuaded of each other’s worth.”
No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow.
Sometimes i want to shout to the whole world how lucky i am to have you as my friend but sometimes i want to hush…afraid that somebody might take you away from me.
“Some people go to priests; others to poetry; I to my friends.”
“If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live without you.”
The friendship between a man and a woman which does not lead to marriage or desire for marriage may be a life long experience of the greatest value to themselves and to all their circle of acquaintance and of activity; but for this type of friendship both a rare man and a rare woman are needed. Perhaps it should be added that either the man or the woman thus deeply bound in lifelong friendship who seeks marriage must find a still rarer man or woman to wed, to make such a three cornered comradeship a permanent success.
Did someone say free? Oh wait! That was me!
I am always on the lookout for great freeware. I’m talking totally free, make my life easier, tweak my system, just for fun stuff. With all the free open source alternatives, I just can’t see paying for software in this day and age. The only thing worse is hearing a friend of mine tell me they just spent a STUPID amount of money on something they could have gotten for free (and often, better!) .
While I’m sure there are even better alternatives to the ones I’m gonna list, these are programs that I use almost daily. These are easy to install, work, and most programs are “set ’em and forget ’em”.
Want to add some new fonts?
Check out creamundo at:
(you can try out the font before you even download it!)
How about photo tools?
For free brushes at brusheezy
For the most kick-ass photo tips, DIY projects, and gear : photomojo at:
For photo retouching, image composition, and image authoring: The GIMP at
How about Licensed Software Free For the Taking LEGALLY!
FREE SOFTWARE at give away of the day:
FREE GAMES at game give away of the day at:
How often have you carefully selected some text from a Web page and copied it to an email message? Snippy makes this a snap!
The ULTIMATE Windows Media Player Plug-In resource:
Protect your pc for free!
Against spyware:(SPYBOT:search and destroy)
Against adware:(ADAWARE SE PERSONAL)
ANTI-VIRUS PROTECTION (I’ve been using this for years!) AVG personal edition:
All-in-One SECRETMAKER is designed for everybody who wants to avoid computer crashes and protect their privacy. IT combines several powerful tool and includes a Spam Fighter, Pop-Up Blocker, Cookie Eraser, History Cleaner, Privacy Protector, Banner Blocker and a Worm Hunter. Go to :
How about free dvd burners/decrypters?
BURN 4 FREE at:
DVD SHRINK at:
IMGBURN is a lightweight CD / DVD / HD DVD / Blu-ray burning application ((CATCH THAT? BLU_RAY BURNER!!!)) get it at:
For the ultimate guide to drivers and firmware go to the driver guide at:
Want a free auto-expiring telephone number?
If you wanna build a remote control lawnmower:
For wasting countless hours doing nothing I give you “PERPETUAL BUBBLEWRAP”. Yes, for the ultimate in time wasting, simply roll your mouse over the bubble wrap to see and hear a satisfying ‘pop’ as the bubble bursts and then reappear. Go to:
To send off for totally free crap:
(You wouldn’t BELIEVE the crap I’ve gotten for free from this site!)
If you have Firefox, these are ESSENTIAL add-ins!
Free long distance? Free mobile? (OMG! I LOVE THIS DAMN SERVICE!)
Do you listen to music while surfing the Web?
FoxyTunes is a free browser add-on that allows you to control your favorite media players without ever leaving the browser and more…
FOXY TUNES at:
Cooliris Previews is a free browser add-on that lets you preview links without clicking or leaving your current page. It is an AWESOME timesaver! Get COOLIRIS at:
If your searching for particular types of programs, I highly suggest :
Chris Pirillo (My Hero!)
(I love this guy!)
GRC’s popular freeware
I originally made this list for my freinds, but then I thought, hey…. someone else may need a freebie today. If you know of any super cool freeware you think I should know about…. tell a woman!!!
He’d be able to laugh with me at the silly things I do. (I’m a natural clutz!) He’d respect my values and morals even if his differed from mine. He’d not only know the meaning of MONOGAMY, but firmly believe in it as well. He’d be honest, confident, and assured of his own self-worth. He would enjoy learning about new things, and discussing them with me over coffee. He would tell me his thoughts, ideas, and opinions with ease, and want me to do the same. He would find humor and enjoyment in the little things and realize that life doesn’t deal in black and white, but has a thousand shades of gray in between…
Someone who’d move the hair away from my eyes, and then kiss me. Someone who would sing to me at random moment, no matter how bad he sounds. Someone who would slow dance with me, even when there’s no music. We’d make out in the pouring rain. Someone would never be afraid to say “I love you” in front of his freinds. Someone who will lay back with me and count the stars, or stay home with me on a Friday night just to help me make dinner and watch movies together under the same blanket. Someone who will tell me I’m beautiful, but not to often. Someone who would talk with me and laugh with me like no one else could, and be my best freind.
I guess that’s why I read romance novels though…….