WARNING: Caffeine level not currently therapeutic. Approach at your own risk!
The stereotypical Arkansas pastime of days gone by. This is what your grandparents did for fun (or at least that’s what the Northerners think).
Don’t try this at home!
Time Required: 60 minutes
1. Get extremely drunk or extremely bored. Moonshine whiskey makes for the best cow tipping experience, but extreme boredom (teenagers with nothing to do) will suffice.
2. Bring friends. Cow tipping is no fun without company!
3. Find a pasture with cows. Everyone knows that everyone in Arkansas has cows so that won’t be hard.
4. Go at night so that you won’t see the cow pies as you step in them…oh yeah, the cows will be asleep too.
5. Find an isolated cow and be sure it’s sleeping.
6. Approach the cow against the wind. If you’ve been stepping in cow pies all night, the cow will smell you for sure if you are upwind of her and will run from the stench.
7. Go for the tip! In a creeping motion, walk toward the cow, place both hands on one of its flanks, and push with a hard, but smooth stroke.
8. RUN far away. The cow will wake up and tell all her friends about your stunt and they will stampede. The farmer won’t be happy either (you don’t want a hiney full of buckshot do you?).
9. Go home to whittle or perhaps brew some more moonshine for your next cow tip!
1. Be sure the ‘cow’ you are trying to tip is not a bull. It is not wise to tip the bulls.
2. Cows evolved to sleep standing up in order to better evade predators, obviously, since they can be tipped so easily, it didn’t work.
3. Don’t try this at home! Cows have feelings too! Leave cow tipping alone to live in your grandparents memories.
Geography Of A Woman
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like , has been through war, doesn’t make the same mistakes twice; takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages…. she has an adventurous spirit and still has a thirst for knowledge, especially spiritual knowledge.
GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 80, a man is like , ruled by nuts.
1. *Cheese* The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.
2. *Mushroom* When all my family get in the car, there’s not mushroom
3. *Shoulder* My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn’t know how to read so I shoulder.
4. * Texas * My fren always Texas me when I’m not home wondering where I’m at!
5. *Herpes* Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
6. *July* Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
7. *Rectum* I had 2 cars but my amigo rectum!
8. *Chicken* I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
9. *Wheelchair* We only have one enchilada left, but don’t worry wheelchair
10. *Chicken wing* My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing
11. *Harassment* My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her “honey, harassment nothing to me.”
12. *Bishop* My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
13. *Body wash* I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
14. *Budweiser* That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?
1. Hitler and Napoleon both had only one testicle.
2. In America you will see an average of 500 advertisements a day.
3. It’s illegal in Newcastle, WY to have sex in a butcher shop’s meat freezer.
4. In ancient Rome, when a man testified in court he would swear on his testicles.
5. Jaguars are frightened by dogs.
6. Holland has the densest population per square mile of any nation in the world.
7. In Alaska it is illegal to whisper in someone’s ear while they are moose hunting.
8. It takes about 48 hours for your body to completely digest the food from one meal.
9. It’s against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband to curse during sex.
10. Honey is the only food that doesn’t spoil.
11. Human tapeworms can grow up to 22.9m.
12. It’s been estimated that one out of every two hundred women is born with an extra nipple.
13. In Atlanta, GA, it is illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.
14. Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
15. It takes 17 muscles to smile and 43 to frown.
16. In Britain, failed suicides were hanged in the 19th century.
17. If a child burps during a church service in Omaha, Nebraska his or her parents may be arrested.
18. It takes a lobster approximately seven years to grow to be one pound.
19. In a lifetime the average US resident eats more than 50 tons of food and drinks more than 13,000 gallons of liquid.
20. In California, animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
21. Hamsters blink one eye at a time.
22. If a person has two thirds of their liver removed through trauma or surgery, it will grow back to the original size in four weeks time.
23. Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.
24. In Arkansas it is illegal to buy or sell blue lightbulbs.
25. If Barbie were life-size her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal humans neck.
26. Hondas and Toyotas are the most frequently stolen passenger cars because they have parts that can be readily exchanged between model years without a problem.
27. In 1386, a pig was executed by public hanging for the murder of a child.
28. Humans are the only animals that use a smile as an emotional response.
29. When a small amount of liquor were placed on a scorpion, it would instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
30. Homosexuality remained on the American Psychiatric Association’s list of mental illnesses until 1973.
Coffee, coffee and then some more coffee. The aroma… the taste.. such bliss! Whether it’s plain black or polluted (my term for adding things like cream n sugar), I can drink it 24/7 in some form or fashion. That being said, I thought I’d share a few of my favorite coffee recipes.
Quick Coffee Recipes
Café Latte: 1 shot espresso with steamed or frothed milk 1:3
Café au Lait: 1 shot of coffee to 1 shot of milk
Cappuccino: equal parts espresso with steamed, or frothed, milk
Americana: 1 shot espresso & hot water (6-8 oz)
Café Moca/ Moccaccino: cappuccino or café latte with chocolate syrup
Espresso con Panna: Espresso with whipped cream
Macchiato: espresso with milk foam on the top, served in espresso cup
Café Breva: cappuccino with half and half
These are copycat recipes Starbucks. They are only approximations. You can purchase all the specialty syrups used in Starbucks’s drinks at any Starbucks coffee shop. For the real thing, visit your local Starbucks.
Java Chip Frappuccino
I N G R E D I E N T S
4 tablespoon chocolate syrup
4 tablespoon chocolate chips
4 cups double-strength freshly brewed dark roast coffee
Chopped or crushed ice
Whipped cream (optional)
Chocolate syrup (for drizzle, optional)
I N S T R U C T I O N S
Fill blender half full with chopped or crushed ice. Add all ingredients (except whipped cream) and blend until thick and still icy. Pour into 4 tall glasses, top with whipping cream and drizzle chocolate over the whipped cream. Serves: 4
I N G R E D I E N T S
6 cups double-strength freshly brewed dark roast coffee
2/3 cup unsweetened cocoa powder, plus additional cocoa powder for garnish
2 cups nonfat milk
I N S T R U C T I O N S
Fill ice-cube trays with half of the brewed coffee and place in the freezer. In a bowl, combine the remaining brewed coffee, cocoa powder and milk and stir to dissolve the cocoa. Cover and chill.
When the ice cubes have frozen, transfer them to a kitchen towel and, using a hammer or mallet, crush the cubes. Fill 4 glasses with the crushed ice and divide the coffee-cocoa mixture evenly among them. Dust the top with cocoa powder and serve. Serves 4.
I N G R E D I E N T S
18 -22 Ice cubes, crushed
7 ounces Double-strength coffee, chilled
2 tablespoons granulated sugar
2 tablespoons flavored syrup of choice (vanilla, hazelnut, -raspberry or other)
Whipped cream, garnish
I N S T R U C T I O N S
Place the ice, coffee, sugar and syrup in a blender. Blend until the frappe is smooth. Pour into a large, tall glass. Garnish with a dollop of whipped cream.
I N G R E D I E N T S
2 tablespoons Starbucks’ Vanilla Syrup
1/2 cup fresh brewed espresso
8 ounces steamed milk
3 to 4 tablespoons Starbucks’ Caramel Sauce
I N S T R U C T I O N S
Add vanilla syrup to 16oz glass. Add steamed milk and caramel sauce and stir well. Serves 1.
Alcoholic Coffee Recipes
New Orleans Coffee: Coffee, cognac, Benedictine, cloves and sugar.
The Nelmes: Thick Turkish coffee layered with cream and dashed with Baileys. Use a glass, pour ingredients individually on a spoon to get colored layers and drizzle with Brown Cow chocolate syrup. Sprinkles are good too.
The Anna Bella Martini: 1 shot of classic Italian espresso, 1 shot of Godiva liquor, 2 shots of chilled vodka… Shake with ice and decorate with a few floating chocolate covered coffee beans.
Toasted Almond: 1 part Starbucks Liquor, 1 Part Amaretto, 1 part cream (or milk).A Winer’s Coffee: Muscadet wine blended with a dash of sugar, coffee, cinnamon and orange peel.
Irish Coffee that clicks its heels: Irish blended whiskey, coffee, brown sugar and whipped cream. Rim the mug with sugar and sprinkle the whipped bundle of love with chocolate crumbles.
The Gabitous: Baileys, Crème de Menthe and Crème de Cacao with a splash of coffee, in a tall glass, rimmed with sugar and filled with ice.
Starbucks Coffee Liquor: It isn’t sold in Starbucks only in places licensed to sell alcohol. Just drink it neat or on the rocks. Or throw it into a Starbucker: Dry vermouth and Starbucks coffee liquor…its rejolting!
Kahlua is the undisputed heavyweight in the arena of coffee liqueurs. Has been for quite some time. Starbucks, however, offers us Starbucks Coffee Liqueur. But when slurping a libation instead of a latte, can coffee drinkers really tell the difference between Starbucks brand and Kahlua, its cheaper ($16), well-known coffee liqueur counterpart? Actually, yes. In a blind taste test conducted by U.S. News, all 10 testers guessed the identity of the Starbucks drink–from the aroma, which is akin to sticking your head into a steaming cup of joe, and the taste, which one tester described as “like biting into chocolate-covered coffee beans.”
After whipping up the drinks listed in the recipe booklet around the Starbucks bottleneck, all of the testers became believers. While coffee liqueur tends to conjure images of heavy winter beverages perfect for sitting by the fire, Starbucks tosses away that notion with the caffe fizz–one part Starbucks liqueur, one part vanilla rum, mixed with ginger ale. (This is a personal favorite of mine) Testers went wild over the pool-party-perfect punch, with one going so far as to deem it “gravity defying.” A similar Kahlua concoction was also a hit but proved slightly heavier. In a face-off between white russians mixed with Kahlua and Starbucks brand, the latter won over the coffee lovers with its Frappuccino-ish taste.
Yesterday was a great day. It was one of those “feel good” days, and came about in a most unexpected way. My friend, Kim, came over and asked me if I would go to the nursing home and trim her grandmother’s hair. So of course, I grabbed the scissors and comb and off we went.
Bless her heart… she really tickles me. You wouldn’t think it to look at her, but she is all vinegar and spice. The thing is, with so little “blood kin”, my freinds ARE my family, and I couldn’t help but notice how easily “grandma” just rolled off the tongue. The real good feel good, though, comes from knowing that too my freinds and their families, I am just another sister, daughter, aunt, or cousin. When you get right down to it, I probably have one of the largest “extended families” on the planet.
I’m a firm believer in “you get what you give”… in work, friendships, relationships… and I thought I’d take a page to express thanks to those who love me… in spite of me… and consider me to be as much a part of their families, as I consider them part of mine.
My friend, Amanda, calls me and says “Can you come over and take a look at the leak under mom’s bathtub? We need a professional opinion because Bill (her brother) says we need to take the entire bathtub out!”
So off I go… and here’s what I found…
See the upper drain hole in the tub?
That would be the hole where, for about 15 years, Amanda’s mother has been shoving wash clothes and pot scrubbers, in an attempt to keep out frogs and snakes. This resulted in a rotten floor and the pipe being pushed back at a 45 degree angle, and subsequently causing the lower pipes to separate. Of course, there was no need to remove the entire bathtub for this job. Amanda’s brother is just an idiot.
Instead, I decided to go in through the kitchen. Yep, cleared out the cabinet, cut out the shelving where I needed to, and because they were tongue-in-groove, solid cedar, and put in with 16 penny nails, I opted for “ease of removal” by using my floor jack to lift the shelving straight pout of the braces. Worked quite well too.
This is inside the kitchen cabinet…
And this is her mother’s handy-work……
After removing the mess…
Amanda… checkin things out….
A view from under the house… (just lovely)
Anyhow….. I did get it repaired and all back together… bathtub still intact….
I have to say though, that crawling under houses is SO not my thing…..
You guys owe this blog to my good friend FoulBastard, who tagged me with this meme. He, in turn, had been tagged by another great friend, Karrielyne. What is a meme? It’s an idea, project, statement or even a question that is posted by one blog and responded to by other blogs. In this case, the topic is “8 Random Things about Me”, and at the end of the post I get to tag 8 more people, and hope they share 8 random facts about them. It’s a great way for us to learn things about each other that aren’t as likely to come up in the usual realms of the Blogosphere. So… here ya go….
1. I was a daddy’s girl and all out tom-boy when I was growing up (and I still am) , however, my mother tried to counteract my “tom-boyism” by having me take years of piano lessons, baton twirling, and tap-dancing, starting at the age of 5 and lasting til my early teens. I’m rusty, but can still pull off an adequate performance of any of them when I feel like it.
2. I’m a music maven, and listen to it 80% of my waking hours. I crank it up, dance around my living room, sing (badly) in my car at the top of my lungs. I apologize to those who actually hear me.
3. When I was 7 years old, the only thing I wanted for Christmas was a 3 Story Barbie Townhouse. What I got was my first telescope, and microscope. Now I’m a forensic science Buff, and amateur astronomer with a MUCH bigger telescope, and I never miss a visible meteor shower. I’ve gotten my son and my friends into watching the meteor showers, and we’ll drive “caravan style” into the middle of nowhere to throw blankets out in the middle of a field to watch one of “God’s Firework Displays”.
4. My feel are so ticklish, it’s a wonder that I can walk on them… really… no shit….
5. I hate anything lemon, including lemon/lime drinks. My theory: if you can see through it, don’t drink it.
6. I am a Java Junkie, and can drink coffee 24/7, and make Starbuck’s coffee taste like sewer water. By the way, my coffee is NOT see through.
7. I do my own car repairs, plumbing, and house remodeling, simply because I could never afford a professional, and had to learn to do it if I wanted it to get done. I’m pretty damned good at it too.
8. I’m in love with a guy who’s 1,000 miles away, but I believe “where there’s a will, there’s a way”. I’ve got the will… and working on “the way”.
And here are the 8 people I would like to learn a bit more about for a variety of different reasons….